The big punch

[25yearsmlc]

If you make this trip about being a great dad, & time with her, getting reacquainted, and being the best dad you can be, then the apprehension will be lowered. Your w cannot fault you for being a good dad, and you won't have to worry about R talk. Would this be a 180 for you?

ALso, understand that D will miss her mother. She's used to her 24/7 so please anticipate this coming up. Maybe you'll have to ask w to stick around awhile til D gets used to you more.

That may hurt but it's normal even in intact families. My h and I were active duty in Desert Storm, and each of us would be gone for weeks/months at a time. d2 (from age 2-5) literally feared h, like a stranger. She'd get used to him but always ran to me for comfort. When I returned after a long trip (spoke to kids every night) the kids would always feel closer to the parent at home until they were used to me being around again. IT HURT...but I stopped taking it personally fast enough. Besides, adding guilt to a toddler isn't helpful and makes the other parent angry. So, all you are aiming for is renewing your r with d. Make sense? Then begin making these trips regular, reliable.


Let's address your biggest fears...
as in, what if some ugly words comes your way from w? Well, you'll have 2 choices. If you think she is revising the marriage too much, or just lying, You can say "Wow, I'm sorry you recall it that way b/c I sure don't" and change the topic or walk away (UNLESS SHE HAS A POINT), at which time you say "yes w, I can see why you'd be upset by that. If I had it to do over, I'd do things differently" and then you END that topic. No wallowing in your "Wrongness" b/c guess what? YOU GET IT! You are changing now, so there's no need to beat a dead horse...problem solved...next...

but if she barrages you with a bunch of hostile comments or you really feel attacked, you can say, "Excuse me but I flew out here to see D, not fight with you. If you think this is really important, let's have the L's work it out, so I don't have to spend my daddy time, arguing with you. I'm here making up for lost time with our d..." and end the talk. You may have to use your feet to walk away...Don't forget that she had no LEGAL OR MORAL right to take her away...but there's no need to say that unless she pushes too much.

I bet none of this happens but if it does, and these answers feel authentic, then you are "armed"...nothing to worry about.

Remember the image you'll project. You were deeply hurt, but you picked yourself up, dusted yourself off, got some insights, and now you are a changed man.

You are an upbeat man, looking forward to his future, (NOT obsessing or freaking or worrying or collapsing), but confidently moving forward in his life, you learned from the mistakes in the m and are now much better equipped to be the man you were meant to be.

As for the pending div, you are resigned to her choice. You accept it, although you think it's regrettable. In fact down deep, you think it's HER loss mostly. Why? Oh, b/c you are a changed improved man and now you'll be a great h for someone, but evidently not w... and you know that w won't find anyone who loves her or D like you do... so, since you're addresssing those issues that she cited, they aren't "problems" anymore, and you are NOT wallowing or self pitying, etc.....IOW, you're a good catch/all she had hoped for, etc.

BTW, don't worry about the "I fell down and can't get up" scenario and that you'll always be alone, no one will discover you til you've rotted away, etc. (That's the same fear right out of the film "Brigitte Jones Diary" btw....She refers to herself and single friends as "singletons" and it's a "condition to be avoided" b/c she doesn't want to die alone, undiscovered until dogs find her...it may be a chick flick-- but it's hilarious. Put it on your netflix list) ANd you were right to identify it as self pitying and UNattractive behavior so, good for you dropping it.

But besides, It's not your w's duty to baby sit you. MYK, you have to Make some friends. Seriously, it's a basic in life. Some of the GAL stuff has to involve other people right? Can you join a church support group? They don't all require you to believe all their tenets. Like a lot of churches have AA meetings in their basements & they don't have to join the congregation.Or a club & then meet someone for a drink, lunch, movie, whatever. Start small & build, and say YES to every invitation you get for the next year.

Anyhow, good luck this coming weekend. Hope this helps. Can you make yourself a mantra or theme song to get you through? (Hey, whatever helps!)

Here was my voice mail message when h was gone, and would call...

(Happy voice) "Hi, we're busy meeting fascinating people, going to exciting places, and doing fun, interesting things. Leave a message at the beep & have a GREAT day!"....and then mykarma, start living that way.

(( ))