May the force be with you young Ericmsant2.....

[ericmsant2]

Update:

A very emotional and interesting weekend for me…..

I spent it at home cleaning and watching movies, with the exception of going out to an arcade with my friend and his daughters. The kids were with their mother and her sister this weekend so I did not get to see them. It was the first Saturday that I did not have at least one of them and although it was a nice break – I really miss them.

Emotionally, I seem to be experiencing a host of emotions. One minute I feel at peace, one minute I feel anxious and nervous, one minute I am angry, one minute I am sad at exactly where I am. One minute I feel compassion for my STBXW, one minute I want to strangle her. One minute I feel totally depressed, one minute I feel so pissed at myself. A true emotional rollercoaster ride!

The difference between now and post bomb (in 2009) is the feelings of peace that can come over me. I soooo wished they would last longer. I also NOW know that whatever happens I will indeed make it. The panic attacks….are quick to pass.

Anywhoo…..A good friend of mine ask me two questions that I thought I would respond to….

Question 1 - How you envision your life now?

My life RIGHT now is VERY different than it was just a few weeks ago – Allow me to get a little more specific. I envision in my life now as …..

1) I am finally, facing my deep rooted fears of being alone. For a long long time I have avoided facing this fear. Too long actually. For the first time in my life I am facing it head on and with a renewed focus. Ya know I finally realized how much I NEEDED the opposite sex as a distraction to help me avoid looking at the fear. Some of you know that I have dated quite a bit during this process and although I think some of it was needed, I would say that it stopped me from continuing the work on myself. So I have made a choice to stop…stop playing the field, just stop and deal with it. Being alone at least from an emotional connection to someone else perspective, has allowed me to really take a step back and realize just how big of a role I played in the demise of my M and really just how f’d up I was. It has also helped me to realize some of the positive that have come out of this nightmare. For one, I know myself much better now than at any other point in my life.

FTR, when I say I am realizing my role in the demise of the M, I am not swimming in guilt per se – just spending time realizing my role over the entire 18 year M. I am also spending time reflecting on the past 20 months, which has helped me to have a bit more compassion towards STBXW (though I still have bouts of rage and anger towards her). As I said in a previous post, often we do and I know I DID….some work and then stood on my soap box and point out how much work my MLC spouses needed to do….INSTEAD of taking my focus off of her and placing it on myself where I am/could make the changes needed. I have laundry list of things that I KNOW I still need to work on. The work will never stop and I have finally realized just how LONG it takes.

2) Trying to repair the R between my oldest son and myself. Right now we do not have one. none. As much I understand that he needs to process and feel his anger, it still hurts. Hurts like nothing I have felt. My son had made comments that 1) he will never ever come to my house again 2) that he has taken on the role of “man of the house” since dad left him 3) that HE is now responsible for his younger brother and sister.

Some of what he says I know is pure anger….normal – yes – hurtful – more than one can imagine unless you have lived it. I have tried to apply basic DB principals i.e. validation, detaching, etc. BUT man…it is hard. Some of this I assume is a normal behavior for a 17 year old – some I think is the result of the sitch. STBXW, does not help and I no longer expect her to, what I guess I expected early on (yes I know…I should have no expectations) was that she would stop making it worse or adding fuel to the fire. I have realized that what she says or does not say is outside of my control and the only thing I can do is be there for him, when and if he decided to finally take a step towards me. As much as I wish I could explain to whole thing to him, I know that he is NOT in a place where he would understand. I have accepted that he will (if he ever does) come to understand what happened when and if he is ready to.

3) I envision my life as a single parent. My kids are my highest priority and I need to continue to allow them the time and room that they need to heal. I have to put some of my needs on the back burner for now. My middle son has adapted very well to me being out of the house. As a matter of fact he just text me asking to come over cause he “misses me” (it is my STBXW day with the kids). The time I spend with them is great. My house is always full of kids and most if not all of their friends (at least the two younger ones) love to come over. I continue to be called “daddy” by oh…..about 15 kids. The other day I took my two youngest to the movie theater with 5 friends. One lady looked at me and said….”are these all of your kids”. I said No just these two. “did you bring all of these kids with you then” – My response – “yep – I always have a few with me” – Her response “WOW – I am not sure how ya do it”. It was a nice exchange and as I look back on my life…really shows me just how much of a parent I have become.

4) Right now, my life is also focused on the legal matters so for now, I need to focus on trying to address the numerous legal issues that have been raised by STBXW and her attny. Legally it is going to be a fairly painful process. My attny [censored] but at this point I really do not have the cash to change. I have a ton of motions that have been filed. As much as I tried (maybe a little too much…actually make that tried to control) to settle this nicely – it does not appear that it will go that route. I have finally realized that the only person that will be able to end this and explain to stbxw what the divorce details WILL be are her attny or a judge. Either way, the legal process has been an eye opener for me. I will say, that the damage caused by the process can seem overwhelming at times. So the short answer to the original questions is….my life is getting through the process right now.

5) I also envision my life right now as a rollercoaster. I understand that to some extent I can try and choose what feeling I focus on – it is so easier said then done. Pain, hurt, disappointment, anger, rager….All of these feeling will need to be processed. I do not want to come across as a downer – no – I KNOW that I will make it…but the reality is that these emotion must be dealt with.

6) Right now my life is also about trying to resurrect my career, while also continuing to keep my kids needs first. I have done a much better job. The balance between work and family life will is something that I think I am doing pretty good at.

Okay on to Question 2 – What goals do you have for YOU?

a. Continuing to be the best parent I can be (and FTR, I think I’m actually a much better parent now than at any other point in my life) but also finding the right balance.
b. Healing first and foremost
c. Keeping a roof over the kids and my head
d. Getting through the divorce process so that custody and finances are finalized
e. Coming up with a budget
f. Getting through the next few months.
g. Longer term goals….
i. Healing….
ii. Finding a true place of peace

Okay back to work…..

Eric