Things are so much better than before, BUT they aren't great. I'm pretty sad about it really.
I guess you think, "if we could just get some traction everything would fall into place." Well it hasn't. don't get me wrong, things are much much better. But this past week has been kinda rough. Last Tuesday my wife and I had a kind a big talk. Basically it boiled down to my wife wondering if I felt like something was missing from our marriage and I didn't want to be married. So I started my craziness last year because I didn't have the balls to split. (think WAH or MLC)
While I don't 100% agree with this, I did acknowledge that I wasn't happy with things. We talked and talk and she said she wanted me to think about what was missing in our marriage.
I did for a few days and on Saturday another big talk. Basically, I felt like that she didn't really need me anymore after our second son was born. I don't know if she quite believed that, but I really feel like we both took our relationship for granted. I also got the feeling (I know, I know) that she thinks I might ahve cheated on her and that's what drove things.
We also talked about the current state of the M. I told her the biggies were time together and affection. I also said that I feel like something is missing. A spark, a connection, intimacy whatever you want to call it. She agree and said that she felt like something was missing too and that's why the physical affection doesn't seem natural to her or wasn't as much. We both had no real answers on what it means and where to go from here. We ended up cutting the convo short because it was getting late.
So yesterday was fine, actually really nice. I mean I started to feel hope that we might get back. Last night, I went out. I had dinner with a mutual friend and I went to a concert. I felt a lot better. When I got home, I look at my wifes's phone (she was having some issues with it)
She had texted the friend I had dinner with. The friend, who kinda knows what's going on, said that I seemed to be in a much better place. My wife then said a couple of things to the friend. 1) She doesn't think we will ever get back to where we were & 2) things aren't great now.
The friend said something like "Well thats good because you can build a better relationship." My wife said back "I hope, but I don't know really. We are both still reeling from the last year." Seemed to be overall pessimistic.
I was crushed. I mean my wife said at times during our convo that she didn't know if we could get "it" back and we'd have to decide what to do if we couldn't. Meaning separate. She didn't know how long she wanted to wait. But then it comes back to the kids. I want her to be optimistic about us, but I just don't see it. Part of me is also scared as what if she can't give me what I need.
We are so burned out on the subject. Of course, if we are burned out, she wants to retreat and not be intimate and not have sex. That is no way to get any spark back.
I was so depressed about it this morning, I don't know what to do. I guess we will talk tonight too
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
