18 Wheels and a Dozen Roses

[AJM80]

Hi - Thanks guys! I think I am with OMW lately, just sort of wanting off the roller coaster...more of an emotional thought to flee than an actual practical decision.

I also think it is probably very female of me...or maybe just me of me. I just keep talking about/floating my 2-3 options out there and someday one of them will feel right. It would drive my dad and H's nuts when my mom/sisters/I do that (my mom takes it to a whole other level, makes me nuts too). I try not to do it much with H, other than ocassionally asking his opinion on something specific and finite(from a how do you think this would work with custody/visitation/raising the kids perspective).

I do think I am a bit more detached, but then I realize it is 1 am and I am on here! Actually so tired, but I wanted to check in on things.

We had a fun time at the playground all together tonight. Last night I pretty much ignored H and the kids and did my thing while he was here.

[AJM80]

Ok, a few weird things. 1st, I've been busier/less interactive with H during his visits here and overall.

The other day he emailed me about something and asked me if I'd seen the Cherie/Mitch Daniels stuff in the news (he's maybe running for president and his wife left him for 3 years/remarried/came back) Interesting topic.

Then Friday night D left him a message about going swimming (she'd asked to call him when we got done at the pool). He called at 10, a little drunk from a work event, volunteered that he'd been at a work party when we called. He heard D (fluke, but she was still awake) and asked to talk to her. I don't know what he was calling about initially, because she shouldn't have been up.

We kept trading calls today - I sent some pics of D on a pony ride and in an interactive story time/play thing. We never did talk. I finally just sent an email asking for his visitation plans for the next week. It's midnight and still nada from him about whether he is coming tomorrow. Annoying. I'm tempted to just leave town after D's morning class, maybe run to a state park or something if the weather is nice.

[AJM80]

OMW - remember that convo we had about your wife's reactions meaning she still cared? I was worried since H just seemed to accept things. Well, the last few visits I realized he's watching me. If I make an annoyed face or seem upset, he's asking what is wrong. For example, today my computer locked up as I was looking something up and he immediately was asking what was the matter.

Today when he came by I was very straightforward and said I needed help. Laundry/dishes/getting the house in order. He said, sure, just let me know where I should start. So I ended up taking D to class and he/baby stayed home and did laundry/dried dishes/etc.

He's also mentioned a few times that he's eating cheap burritos for dinner, since they'll fill him up and are cheap/hot food. That comment made me sit down and really look at my own finances today. I have to move at the end of my lease (out of state or nearby, regardless) OR ask him to kick in more money if we're going to maintain the status quo. I'm going to cut costs where I can, so it won't be a crazy issue in the next few months (other than eating more savings).

Any thoughts on how/when to bring that up? I'd rather just delay it till I have no choice (landlady sends lease renewal).

Overall, an interesting few days. H is alternating acting weird and attentive, then drops off the earth. I don't care much, but I think that may mean he's still with OW, but conflicted about what ending his marriage really means. I think he changes his visitation schedule because her work schedule changes. I should probably think about being a little firmer about visitation, since that keeps coming up in my posts and seems to be bothering me. I told him today I would like to know his weekend visit plans earlier than the morning when he plans to show up. (said it nicely - just asked for more notice) He agreed. next is probably planning some things for me/my friends and asking him to be here for those nights to care for the kids.

The kids and I had a few adventures this weekend/last week. It's fun to see them blossoming and growing. They love the sun and attention from me and other people around them. We've been gardening and swimming, etc.

I'm happy overall, but a little sad tonight, it seems. I really didn't think I might be unable to stay here due to the costs, but with gas, food, energy, etc all rising it's becoming more of an issue. We're still so blessed and in such a lucky position to have the freedom/flexibility that we do have. Wish me luck on buckling down a bit and seeing if my number crunching can work something out.

Have a great next week everyone, almost to memorial day weekend and the summer!

[OnMyWay]

Overall, an interesting few days. H is alternating acting weird and attentive, then drops off the earth.

Classic WAS activity and it doesn't necessarily mean the OW is still around. My W does this a lot. It's like they put themselves out there and then realize they've exposed themselves too much and pull back. It certainly appears as if he's "fishing" here. That's a good sign.

From what you say, it may be time to have your little talk because finances and timing will require you to. That's fine. Logistics will always trump desire. Find some time when it is just the two of you where you can sit and talk. Sort of "decide together" type of thing. Don't corner him or he'll run. Perhaps you simply have a problem and you want the opinion of a "friend" style discussion.

Somewhere in there, you must tell him what YOU want and let him know, you'll do what is necessary. I'm not sure he knows what he wants, so are you leaving the door open or are you closing and locking it.

When my W moved out, she took some moves in D direction and pushed hard. I finally said "Ok, but it wasn't what I wanted and it would be all on her to do. Apparently, all she wanted was for me to say ok to something she thought she wanted. Never heard another word about it. WAS are strange people.

[AJM80]

Thanks! This is so tough. My Dad called today and said he would come out and get me during his work vacation at the end of the summer, that I'd just need to let him know in a few weeks. He asked if I was coming "home" or staying out here and I said I just didn't know yet. Regardless of all the H stuff, I miss my family and friends and wish I could see them more. That was part of the trigger for all this. H couldn't get a job back there and just felt like a failure.

I think when he comes this week, I will say that I ran some numbers/show him what our costs have been the last 4 months. Rather than being negative/just stating it won't work, I'll just say I don't feel comfortable signing another year's lease based on income/expenses and see if he has any suggestions. It's a pretty clear picture and he's a numbers guy, so the friendly approach should probably go over well.

H also hasn't said anything about divorce for a long time. A month or two ago he made a comment about not emailing about something because it could be used against him IF I decided to hire an atty. He was the one who just wanted to get it over with and end the uncertainty. I do think you are right that early on, they wanted permission and agreement (and someone to share the blame).

He's said I have full permission to move away, but "of course he wants us to stay". This actually came up when I mentioned my dad was remodeling his rental house and I thought that he might be doing it with us in mind. He was very against the idea (even though it would make his visitation much easier) and actually said it was because he didn't want us to move at all. A year ago, when I was pregnant, he was telling me to take the kids and move away, get a nice house, and he'd commute home for the weekends. That's a big change too.

Argh, I could just save about 2500/month by moving. That's life changing stuff and is making this decision harder.

[OnMyWay]

Well, that's positive for sure. That speaks volumes and may be a good approach to get him moving in some sort of direction.

If he doesn't want you to move that's a good sign, however, what plans/suggestions does he have to help solve a potential budget crisis? How does he see the future and your place in it? Has he considered alternatives that would better position the family for the future, etc., etc.

My W made a teary apology to me the other day, however, it fell on deaf ears. Sorry just doesn't cut it anymore. If you're sorry, fine, but do you plan to do anything about it? Or, are you just gonna sit there and be sorry for the rest of your life?

Where do you go from here? I'm actually envious of your sitch, now, as you seem to be getting close to a place of some sort of resolution - or at least changing the playing field, which will yield different results. Make me consider alternative myself.

Best of luck. Keep up posted.

[AJM80]

Well, if he wants us to stay (not to sound mercenary) he's going to have to cough up more cash to meet the budget shortfall. I'm not sure he's willing or able to do that...and I don't really care (since I have an amazing safety net with my family). But I am very interested in what the reaction to his realization of the financial cost of his cheating/moving out will be. I don't mind cutting costs and trying to meet him partway on us staying here, but right now I could cut cable, cellphone, and most of our food budget...that doesn't leave much room for doing anything or eating anything. Let alone saving for college, paying health insurance premiums for me if we D, emergency fund, etc. I had savings, gifts, and some income coming in from leave and my head in the sand, so neither of us really had a sense of where I was money-wise.

He's said he'll have to downgrade his apartment regardless of where we live. He's taken a temporary loan from his parents to help him get through this year. We have avoided talk about the future and my place in it. If I pushed, he'd probably say he still wanted a divorce, I think. He's not nearly as broken as your wife seems to be. He's isolating himself from things and just avoiding dealing with it all.

In my mind, he moves into a cheap apartment nearby, we start working towards counseling and reconcilation - if we stay here. That would be what we worked towards. He's got to ask for it, though. It isn't what he wants yet. Oh God, then the hard part would really start.

My question for you - what do you want from your wife? What do you want her to do and what is her goal in apologizing? If she is just doing that bs, I don't want you to be mad at me, I want us to be friends, you're probably reacting in the right way. Goes back and forth, doesn't it? A couple months ago that apology would have meant the world. We're all on such a rollercoaster.

[OnMyWay]

My question for you - what do you want from your wife? What do you want her to do and what is her goal in apologizing? If she is just doing that bs, I don't want you to be mad at me, I want us to be friends, you're probably reacting in the right way. Goes back and forth, doesn't it? A couple months ago that apology would have meant the world. We're all on such a rollercoaster.

I wish I could answer these questions. I'm starting to feel like you and I want some sort of progress in some direction. I'm guessing her reason for apologizing was the bs - the I don't want you to be mad at me, etc. I would like her to simply be honest. I just don't want to waste anymore of my time. I feel like I'm starting to loose myself in this process. GAL is great, but sooner or later, we have to make progress toward or away from our goals to learn the correct path.

[AJM80]

Funny - you were posting on me while I was reading/posting on yours.

I understand what you are saying about needing to have goals in order to keep sight of who you are and where you are heading. DBing you make goals, but they do really seem to sort of include putting a lot of things on hold to deal with spouse.

Just got off the phone with my dad. He's ready for me to move back and thinks I need to wrap up the D/financial side of things so that I am protected and things are settled.

That, of course, makes me want to call H and either 1) scold him for being an idiot and putting me/us in this position or 2) passive aggressively make a few comments.

Instead, I think I'll just send him a short budget. That way he won't be blindsided tomorrow when he sees that $-wise the kids and I can't stay here as things are now.

[OnMyWay]

One thing I have learned through this process is everyone has their own opinions on our sitch. I've also learned to appreciate, yet politely ignore those opinions. It all comes down to W being so deeply influenced by others, I don't want the same for me. I decided at the beginning of this, I would work towards what I wanted, not what everyone else said I should do. I've had people pushing from both sides.

Ironically, my parents are split. My D says to keep talking, yet my M says this is no way to live. They are both right. In the end, it's up to me to decide what's best for me.

You D is understandably trying to watch out for you. In the end, though, it all comes down to you and H. Do what's right for you both.