Rollercoaster of love

[LearningPatience]

My GAL activities have not only been keeping me super busy, but they seem to be getting me back to the person I was before meeting W; actually an even better version of that person.

Started last bit of siding work on W's (our) house yesterday. Been dreading it a bit, not for the work but for the feelings that I don't belong at the house anymore. Didn't feel that way at all once I got there, it felt completely natural. I was also hoping not to run into W, but she came home for lunch while I was working. It was nice to take a break and talk to her, very pleasant and friendly. She went off after lunch to take a certification test for work, I tore off more siding, and she came back two hours later. I'd worn myself out by then, so I left (without offering or accepting a hug, I was work slimy by then). W initiated a couple of text/IM conversations, but we seemed to keep missing each other. No biggie.

Went to party/bonfire last night where I only knew a couple of people. Met several other people and talked to them for a couple of hours. If I hadn't had a race this morning I would have stayed longer. It was fun to meet and open up to new people (maybe a 90 instead of 180, I can be social but am shy around new people).

Ran a 5K this morning in 24 something. Several times I felt like giving up, but wouldn't let myself...kinda like the whole DBing thing

Now, finding something to do with my boys this afternoon/evening that doesn't involve movement by me...

While I'm pretty confident that W and I will eventually get back together, I'm very confident that I'll be ok no matter what. I'm turning into that person that only a fool would leave. OK, minus the hubris, but you know what I mean. The trick now is to remember this on those inevitable days when life catches up to me.

[LearningPatience]

Journal time again.

Saturday was pretty relaxed. Sore from running/working outside, so boys and I had a Lost marathon, played board games and went out for boneless wings. First night almost all week where I didn't go out, was probably in bed by 9-9:30.

Sunday also started out relaxing. Puttered around the apartment and MIL called late morning. Gave me some suggestions for S14 and his issues. I mentioned being tired from doing siding on our house and MIL said something to the affect of not sure why you are doing anything for W. I know MIL loves her D, but she also calls it as she sees it.

Picked up W and went to dinner before the show. We planned on wine flights and cheese but neither of us bothered checking to see if the restaurant was open. Whoops! Had to come up with plan B quickly, so we just rolled with it and ordered wine and appetizers at the bar across the street instead. Had more good convo, told her my college adviser is sending my resume to a colleague in Toronto. W wanted to know if it was an American company, but it's not. Doubt anything would happen as I'm the insurance provider for our family, and I'm not sure how Canadian insurance would work for my American family. W joked about moving to Canada herself depending on how the next presidential race turned out.

W 'slipped' once or twice in calling the house and stuff ours. She also mentioned how empty the house would be if I took all my stuff. Didn't try to read anything into that. She seemed genuinely surprised I plan on going to an electronic music festival over Memorial Day, one that many of our mutual friends are going to. She has some things coming up also, but left the door open for me to do some things w/ her in the near future. Said she'd go see a certain movie again that I hadn't seen and talked about riding together to her uncle's wedding in November (in Philadelphia, 10 hours away). Went to our musical (Chicago) and both enjoyed it. I was probably sitting a little too close to her but she didn't seem to mind. Caught her looking at me and smiling a few times. Dropped her off at home, initiated a big hug myself and left. W texted goodnight and thank you a few minutes later. Told her goodnight also and went off to bed.

It's funny, in some ways I feel like I'm the one walking away from her. I still want her around and enjoy her, but I'm starting to lose that 'feeling' for her. I'm sure it will come back, and I know that love is a choice, but it's starting to really *feel* like a choice now, one that I can make for myself. Don't know how else to describe it...

[LearningPatience]

Not really a lot to add today. My allergies are taking a toll on me the past day or so. They make me very tired, to the point I went to bed around 8 last night and slept til almost 6 this morning. Part of that might also be mood. I'm feeling a little down today. Realized W and I have plans separate from each other every weekend until the end of June, and she has her own plans all but one weekend in July.

Part of me is ready to pack it up, but I know that ultimately W is the one I want to spend my life with. Still, right now I'm hurting that we'll go at least another two-three months without any significant quality time (one of her LLs) and that I'm missing out on my LLs (affirmation and physical touch).

I'm sure I'll feel more upbeat later. I just have to allow myself to feel like this from time to time rather than stuff my feelings away.

[Denver_2010]

Hi LP. Just read some of your thread to get familiar with your sitch. Hang in there. Sounds like you are doing really well at 'learning patience'!

BITS
Denver

[LearningPatience]

OK, I know better, but I had to go and email/text W the last two days and expect some sort of conversation. I guess my rationale was that she had opened up a little and had initiated some small talk. That and realizing just how little I'll be seeing her the next couple of months.

W did email looking for dental information for her D, but other than the info requests didn't respond to my light hearted, 'hey how are you doing' emails.

I also decided to include W in the life insurance money I got from my mom. It wasn't a lot to begin with, and I split the money four ways (3 kids and W). More of a token, my mom would have wanted me to share with them gesture, and I think she would have. No expectations there other than a thank you.

Today's theme song is Radiohead's Just

You do it to yourself, you do
And that's what really hurts
You do it to yourself, just you
You and no one else
You do it to yourself

[LearningPatience]

OK guys, I was reading through some of the new postings where there was a lot of desperation and hopelessness (that's ok, we're all there from time to time). While reading, I was also listening to some Toadies and this song came up. Sounds like some of us could take this to heart (I include myself in this).

Toadies- I am a Man of Stone

I saw you hanging on the arm of some other guy
Like a drummer who's been banging steady beat in 4/4 time

Now you're flicking at your cigarette
Batting eyes and pouting lips
Giving him the loving I need

But I can tell those eyes
Have an emptiness behind them
You don't look so happy to me

You're so lost, you're so alone
And I'm standing here, I am a man of stone, oh

You said baby don't change and I did not change
You said give me all your lovin' and I did every day, yeah

Now you're tattooed on my skin
And my chest is caving in
From the weight of the pain you bring

Now you got me branded
Broken but sill standing
Watching you wreck everything, oh

You're so lost, you're so cold
And I'm standing here, I am a man of stone

My feet are stuck to the ground, my love has bound me here
I am a statue now, I gave you my last tear
Someday you'll wake up and you'll think of me and you'll know
I am a man, a man of stone

You're so lost, you're so alone
And I'm standing here, I am a man of stone

[~¤DG¤~]

Those lyrics are really sad

[LearningPatience]

Yeah, sad but also strong and stoic in a way. Kinda like me these days

[LearningPatience]

OK, I think I'm done.

I've realized (maybe) the reason I've been so emotional lately is that it was around this time last year I started feeling that something was wrong in our relationship.

I promised W that I would help reside the rest of the house this summer. No matter what, I will do this, my word is the most important thing I have. Still, W has been hanging out with OM a lot and not talking to me, not even responding to emails/IM from me.

Ran into W today, I thought she was going from work to airport but stopped at home first. Was nice to see her, but wouldn't let me help her carry suitcase to MIL van for trip to airport or give a hug. OK I figured.

After more siding work, took a break and noticed that W had a list of joint assets underneath a list on the counter. Between that and random receipts between her and OM, I've had enough.

She can have him. I'm done with her. I deserve better than I've received (and yes, I understand the things I've done to drive us apart). Talked to MIL this afternoon and even she is frustrated with how much W brings up OM.

I *love* my inlaws and hope to never lose them, but I cannot go on any longer as the OM in my own M. I'm ready to find a L and start the D process myself. I hate it and wish I were not in this position.

I'm just so freaking angry right now. Angry, upset, disillusioned, hurt... why the f is this happening to me?! I was no where near perfect but I would have given *anything* for my W and our R.

Today's musical selection: Nine Inch Nails - the Fragile

[Denver_2010]

LP - I'm really, really sorry to hear that you are feeling like you are today. I COMPLETELY understand the emotions that you are experiencing and why your mind is drifting towards the thought that you may be ready to be done.

Your first sentence: "I [i]think[/i] I'm done"... why did you include the word 'think'? Or, why didn't you the word 'know'? ....

My guess... bc you still aren't anywhere close to be sure.

My point? Do NOT do anything drastic until you have a chance to process this new information and the new emotions that you are feeling.

Again, I understand completely. Over the past couple of weeks, I have gone back and forth bw being 'done' with my sitch to wanting to keep fighting. I go back and forth. And I've strongly considered that maybe I should start dating. Have even perused match. But the fact that I keep going back and forth tells me that I am not ready to do anything.

I asked myself this multipart question this afternoon:

1. Do I believe that if I continue the fight and continue to wait this out that my W will ultimately come back to me?

2. If so, how long am I willing to fight and to wait?

3. If so, am I willing to do so even if that means that W may resume A with OM during that time?

My answers:

1. Yes.

2. Indefinitely

3. I don't know.

The third part of that question is the hardest part to answer. Why? Bc the idea of W having an active A makes me violently ill and violently p!ssed. BUT, I have experienced having THAT conversation with W where she has told me that she has slept with someone else... I have experienced going through learning that after the fact... and I have learned that I do have the capability to forgive her.

All of that, combined with the knowledge that I played a HUGE part in why all of this is happening ... well, makes me extremely confused on the third part of my question to myself.

If I walk away when I am confident that W will come back eventually, when I know that I can wait indefinitely for that to happen... and when I know that I am capable of forgiving her for what happens in the meantime ... will I regret it??

Maybe that's the ultimate question?

Just some thoughts LP. We each have to come to our own answers to these questions.

BITS
Denver