OK my friend. I admit to beating this into the ground but have you read the 5 love languages book yet? It sounds very much like her love languages are words of affirmation (we've covered this previously), and perhaps quality time.
When you compliment her, she beams. When you snap, she becomes very upset. When she is hurt she spews. They say we tend to feel love AND hurt according to our love languages. We also hurt others according to our love languages.
The quality time, it seems, she seeks with you but when she cannot get it, she goes elsewhere. This is probably gross over-simplification as I only joined here in 2007 so missed the earliest years of your posting. Still it may not completely miss the point.
I have no solution but food for thought. I don't think you can be a perfectly patient, eggshell dancer all the time, nor should you have to be. That said, if you had your words of affirmation working better, (more compliments etc...) she may feel more loved and more secure and not take it so badly when one of you has had a bad day or moment.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
