It makes me sad that I failed to HEAR her, and even when I posted that I don't think I really grasped it. It was too much to deal with too fast! Although I did try and intended my positive changes to be permanent, she made mention that I only changed when she threatened to leave. I would agree some things may not have changed had she stayed, because I was blind until my pain caused me to reflect, and eventually SEE. Even now I notice things I didn't before!
I did control the money, and there was a time I was really focused on building a family, planning for the future... I thought I was providing well! I did pay off the house, 2 cars, maxed out both IRAs, started saving for kids college. I had no idea then, I'd be here today... I should have! Being responsible for the money stressed me out alot and I did ask W many times to take over, so I could just take a break from it... I got to the point I HATED sitting down to look at money... She refused... So I maintained "control". In 2008 I began to see how blinded by saving I had become... I began to realize what was REALLY important, so I did save less, decreased IRA contributions, more trips, spent more, did not flip out about money she spent. I think the damage was done at that point and again everything I did was probably viewed as temporary and as a result of her threats to go.
What I meant by enough of this was I had literally spent years addressing her concerns, one after another after another (just describing how I felt then) I felt pushed to my limit... Like a doormat... I just felt that last demand was the last straw... I don't think it was so much about the help... I felt weak! I felt I had to stand up to her at some point... I felt as she probably did or does now. So I said enough! Looking back... I wish I had tried that... I would feel better now having tried EVERYTHING. To hear you say getting help reduced conflict in your house by 80%... WOW! I screwed up big! I made SO MANY mistakes... I have ALOT of regret. I can't beat myself up though... I won't... I am human and I did REALLY try hard... I'm still trying!
I missed the red flares... I just kept telling myself she's having a breakdown... I'll do all I can and it will pass. It was never my intention to trap my W into staying by having any of the kids, I wanted them because I loved the idea of a big family as soon as I saw my first precious baby... I was hooked. There was a time, months before she left that she mentioned she thought of quitting her job to focus on us and our family. I'm not sure now if she really meant it or not or just testing me... Idk... Doesn't matter now. I told her I was flattered that she would do that for us because I know how hard she worked to get there and how happy she was being at work instead if home all day with kids. I know how her mind changes alot, so I suggested she think about it, whatever she wanted to do was fine by me. I did mention that if she was unsure of our relationship, quitting her job may not be a wise choice because you wouldn't have the financial means to leave, and I didn't want her to stay with me because she had no choice... I wanted her to stay because she loved me. So no I did not want to trap her. I just figured she didn't want another right then... I could have been fine with 3, but sometimes she would come to me and say ok I'll do it, so I thought she had thought it through.
I know very well how it feels to live the life my W did when I was working alot. I've been overwhelmed myself for many years. I'm now alone mostly living that exhausting life. I feel for her now that I've experienced it. This will be my life for a very long time, I'm fine with it... I knew what I was getting into... I love my babies and I'm willing to sacrifice myself and even a chance at a relationship for them.
I should have hired a housecleaner! I won't make that mistake again... It's just me now, so I deal with it. In a future relationship, I will be getting one long before having to be asked.
Just a question... It bothers me a bit. I realize my mistakes and I'm not making excuses I just wanna know how you feel... At what point does a man become a doormat? I mean if he tries and tries and tries as I did, but it's never good enough what should a guy do? I just feel if you just keep doing every single thing your told you become viewed as a pushover, weak, "whipped". At what point do you say enough!? I guess in my case I felt a bit humiliated, like she was just toying with me knowing I had no chance.
I'm glad I can see now where things went wrong and how I contributed. It is important to accept responsibilty for mistakes first in order to begin fixing them. I know I'll be a better person and a better husband one day.
