WAW, and a bisexual open marriage part 2

[25yearsmlc]

GB,

Oh man, on one hand I want to slap you for putting up with all this, OTOH, I want to just hug you for trying so hard to be a good man...so that, in a sentence, is my dilemma. How to DB in this situation. I REALLY would like a moderator to step in here or for you to get a DB coach...let's check a few things I do feel fairly confident about...

Quick update
The last 24-48 hours have been very hurtful. Last night she tried to force herself to ml to me, and turned right around before I even realized that's what she wanted.

Not clear. She "allowed" it to begin but made it clear she did not "want" it. That hurt you...is this accurate? If so, ouch. Dang...


It was turn off to find me reading card related articles,

IOW, she was turned off by what YOU were reading? Card game info? Why on earth do you have to care what she thinks of it? Why does she care? I mean, it's not porn. I don't get it.


and then when I got up to stop her, she said my breath was terrible. (Appearantly my breath was a deal breaker twice last night). She then asked if she could have the bedroom to herself and went in to take care of herself. (At least she did it by herself...)

Geez...ouch!!


Of course that really HURT! Then again based on all the mean things she had said all weekend I wasn't surprised. I swear when she is in the mood and doesn't want me she can be so mean...

evidently.

On the other hand, as Young at Heart said sex between us would not have been a good thing. It would just have been forced, and thus reinforced the notion that we have bad sex. We need real make up sex t[i]he type a couple has when all they can think of is being with each other, not "I have no choice, but you" sex. Were not ready.....[/i]


how about sex that just feels loving and connected? Doesn't have to be all the fireworks of July 4th each & every time, but at least an act of love.
She has spent all weekend being moody, and even when I was gone for 6 hours GALing and came back she was still moody.

Clearly you are NOT the reason she is moody.

So yeah I SUPER detached..... I have been reading by myself, (and not DB books and such) on the computer on my own, and watching TV. Last night she threw a fit because I didn't have exciting plans for us. I told her there was nothing I can do, the town was boring, but we could find something for us to do. She got all moody, so I found something for ME to do. More reading....

QUESTION: WHY ARE YOU RESPONSIBLE FOR HER BOREDOM?? Why are you the entertainment master? When you guys move and have all these expectations that EXTERNAL FACTORS will make you both happy, well, what it if rains overseas? What if she doesn't like the people? What if the culture or language makes her feel alienated? What if she hates museums or the winters are hard? Won't that be your fault too?
To that way of thinking, you could just as likely turn it on her and say "Hey Why haven't YOU created an entertaining night for ME?"

It's not a healthy or fair dynamic. You were not forcing her to listen to you lecture about the history of pottery or card playing, were you? ..You were reading, TO YOURSELF...wth?

(The last part was not a blow by blow as I have been doing before, but I am too exhausted and hurt to do a long entry)

So yeah I have super detached, today she asked me if I was ok. I told her in a peppy voice I was fine. She said I seemed depressed. I told her I wasn't but that I was very hurt because of the way she had been treating me all weekend, and just thought it would be better if we didn't spend much time together. After all she had said she couldn't stand being around me. (She has said a lot of mean things, from insulting me to calling me useless, and it goes on and on)
\

This looks passive aggressive, or worse. First, she knowingly insults you and really goes for the low blows, & cuts you to the core as a man.

Then she acts as if she's concerned, or curious, and she asks if you are ok and she says you seem depressed? WHAT?? You're not depressed in the clinical sense (she might be) but no one in their right mind would feel good about the interactions you two had that weekend. For her to act As if she has nothing to do with it, seems cruel. Or at least really odd. Has she been diagnosed with any psych label? Why'd she get out of the service? Oh, and her threats to become a prostitute, are so out of whack and overtly manipulative, the only thing I can't wrap my brain around is her damn goal in saying it. What am I missing? why would she say that to you?

I've spent most of the day reading, and getting my stuff ready for the big move. She on the other hand keeps trying to get my attention. I politely give it to her temporarily and then detach again.

I don't know what that means...getting your attention? You mean she's bored?

Ok so I have been getting asked for a plan:

1. Get the house ready for the move.

2. Will do more alone reading time, one of things I gave up for her was reading. She is always complaining about being bored, so I always felt like I had to give up all my free time to keep her entertained. (It has partially been a jealousy thing too since I have always worried that she may use my GAL time to cheat on me).

What?? You won't get a life b/c if you do, she might cheat. But if you don't, then she might cheat, b/c she's bored and dissatisfied and you are not bringing much to the table except your needs. What a catch 22 you have created.. You simply have to give DBing a real chance, and GAL is key. Don't let so many of your choices be dictated by your FEARS...fear based choices are our worst ones, and it's no way to live.


3. Will do my best not to cave in when she is "bored". We always get into fights because I am trying to please her and nothing is good enough for her.

This is good in theory but you are phrasing it as a "do NOT do" rather than what you WILL do instead...make sense? Come up with pro=active ways to keep her from sucking you in.


I need to take an attitude of this is what it is, so accept me for who I am, and what I can do for you. Me trying so hard to keep her entertained does not make her appreciate me. If she is so bored she can just leave on her own. (I super worry she will use this time to cheat, but oh well after how mean she has been I just don't care). Ultimately though I think she will just throw a fit, and stay home....

Try to word this as an affirmative goal. Not a complaint or description of more of her behavior. I mean I know you're hurting a lot. But this isn't so much a GOAL here, and if you want it to be, let's structure it like one, okay?
4. I need to learn to not let her tantrums control me.... not sure how I can do this, but this is important.

Once again, this is a "do NOT do" task, as opposed to a goal of action. Re=structure it so it's more like, for instance, "I will leave the room when discussions spiral downward" or "I will remain calm in my discussions and if I find that too difficult, I will leave the room"...



5. Need to tell her how I feel....by this I mean if something is bothering me I need the guts to tell her, specially to stop.

This is very good. When you do it, try to keep the feedback specific to what she did THEN and THERE. Sometimes we start to pile on, and then we lose the argument b/c we over did it. But most of us can handle being told that something we did was inappropriate, hurtful, came out wrong, wasn't kind, etc...but none of us can handle being blamed for everything and getting negative feedback x 369 and a list of grievances that the other person has been making for 8 years...see the difference? Keep it simple and manageable for her to apologize for, and for you to let it go.


The goal right now is detach.... I just find it so hard, after all were trying to get along again right? So ignoring her seems so counterintuitive. Then again after all she has said I am reminded how unappreciated I am, so despite my fears that detachment will further driver her away I think it needs to be done.

I know that after I told her that I was upset about the hurtful things she said, she got real quiet and started to think to herself. She has been trying to "cute herself up to me" again. She has done this before, but I guess it is only a temporary measure to win me back, and not indicative of permanent change. SIGH

I swear I think I'm starting to know what a lot of WAS feel.

Yes I bet you do. I hope you won't wait til you have no love for her left at all, before you let her know she's going to lose you. IOW, my mil left my fil years ago. BEFORE I knew them...but she told me she had stayed with him as long as she could..."until I hated him"...so when she left him, He was hit by a ton of bricks and suddenly he WOKE UP and he changed and stopped drinking and went to counselling etc etc...but it was too late. SHe had nothing left for him. So in THAT situation, had she left him before she hated him, then maybe she'd have returned upon seeing the changes he did make. But she waited too long. She thought that staying til the bitter end" was the right thing to do but really, if she'd left him earlier they might have worked it out. Don't know if this is clear, but in your case, I think your w will treat you this way as long as it's tolerated. True, she might mistreat you no matter what. But if she knows you might plan a life without her and move on and she risks losing you, it might be what is needed for her to get help and start trying. Your friend said "something had to happen" and in that sense, I agree. I don't see her spontaneously improving for no apparent reason...sorry.

6. Tomorrow I will go to the music store, and see if I can get that cable I have been needing to hook up my guitar to my computer. It's time to finally start learning.

7. Will continue coffee with my buddy daily, and I will continue getting her a cup afterwards. I am detaching but need to show her somehow I still care.

That's all I have for now.... God she has me upset this weekend. It's like it finally has given me the impetus to truly detach.... I know it's not good to use resentment, but it will help for now. I know she will try to make things better, I hope I can stick to the changes, until she truly deserves me.

Good luck, soldier on.