Some others with more experience that me have been giving you some great advice.
A couple of thoughts.
"Actions and not words" You might want to memorize that and say it every time you feel frustrated. Your wife seems to need to lash out with words in ways that are designed to try to make you angry. As others have said, you can get sucked into that, or you detach your emotional response and examine what she is saying and maybe even why she is saying what she does. I am unsure of why your wife is doing that, but mine did it whenever she felt things were too comfortable and she needed to try to create emotional distance.
As usual, you have good insights, "...I need to learn to not let her tantrums control me.... not sure how I can do this, but this is important."
Another good insight was that sex with her would have probably not ended up well, as much as you may have wanted it.
One of the things that MWD says, that I really believe in is that forgiveness is a gift that you give yourself. Right now you sound like you are angry with your wife. Remember that she is in an MLC, confused about her sexuality, marriage, and all kinds of things. While the way she is handling it (or not handling the situation) is causing you a lot of stress, she is the one who is really lost (not you). She is probably not trying to hurt you as much as she is trying to make herself feel better.
As to a plan, how about some goals related to the following topics:
What will you be doing the first week toward GAL in your new duty station? Have you found a bicycle tour/trip you would like to take (with or without your wife that she is in shape to do)?
Have you found a standard or sprint Triathlon that is within a couple months of your arriving that you can start thinking about, training for, and looking forward to competing in?
Have you identified the relationship books you want to read over the next 3 months and figured out how to get them from the libraries or purchase them?
Have you lined up an IC for yourself once you get to your new station and the move is over? Moving is stressful and your wife is likely to react badly to the stress, so having an IC lined up to talk to might be very helpful and one less stress for you to deal with then.
Have you asked about a sex therapist at your new station who might be able to help you and your wife, once she is ready for that?
Are there any kick-ass music concerts near your next posting this summer that you want to try to plan into your summer activities and get tickets for?
How long do you think you should give your wife to get her act together? One year from now, two years, 18 months? You don't have to tell her yet and you don't have to cast it in concrete, but you should be thinking about it for your happiness.
What have you thought about "boundaries" in regards to your wife? Thinking about boundaries and working them into your plan would probably be good.
Again, others are probably in a better position to advice you that I am, but these were just a few things I thought of that might help.
While I would not try to talk about the R, I would try to make sure that she was feeling loved in her languages of love. Again, others may know better, but to me a NMMNG is strong, makes sure he gets what he and his family needs and doesn't either get pulled into being needy around his wife nor chasing her; but he also is a pillar of support for her emotional health (i.e he makes her feel like she is valued).
One of the strangest things I was told was to not take my wife's sexual rejections personally, that she wasn't trying to hurt me. It sure felt personal and aimed at hurting me, but later I understood that she too was hurting and her lashing out at me was not a personal attack (even if it felt that way at the time.)
Good luck. Figure out how to add some fun to your life. Figure out how to not get pulled into her roller coaster rides. I thought you did a great job when she discussed a possible career on porn.
Keep up the good work, you will find happiness.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
