85 Days

[Denver_2010]

I just think your time line has been...well...puny.

It is hard to see that when you are in the middle of the sh!t 25... but I KNOW that someday, in hindsight, I will see this.

who Enters my work place, but , a charming Kevin Costner lookalike. Uber charming and pleasant and kind...Immediate connection. OM has NORMAL hours, home at night...wth??? What's that like?? OMG...

When I opened a show (I perform as an avocation)...so H didn't remember this and was on call that night, refusing to ask anyone to cover for him b/c then they might not like him. H would NOT make waves at work that really were not "waves"....No one would have cared if he had taken THAT night off and it meant so much to me...at the last minute, h "remembered the night OF" and took 2 hours off to rush around missing 3/4 of the show, to see PART of the show and brought our then S5...I wasn't mad, I was diasspointed. Then I got flowers...from Kevin Costner lookalike who shows up opening night AND other nights, brings flowers and champagne "thanking me" for a wonderful evening.

Denver, I'm NOT proud of this but I learned a lot. If I had not had this experience I know I'd never forgive h for an A, but seeing how close I came, makes it easier.

Here's the point. I never told h b/c I worked it out. I told a sister then a chaplain and I went to see a shrink. Oddly, I also told my dad and he was really helpful. He thought it all out with me...

The image of my kids and h crying b/c of me killed me. But it took months of me "working" on this to get OM out of my mind. I even thought I "loved" him, which is pretty crazy since we didn't know each other well and realistically, we had little in common....to this day, I shake my head and wonder how this same brain could be the brain I had then...

Point #2 is, IF my h had learned of my struggle and "outed" me, I'd have left his butt on the curb. SORRY but You see, in my mind, I was nearly totally justified.
In my mind, at that time, I felt so neglected and lonely (hell, I WAS NEGLECTED AND LONELY!! I know it's not the worst thing in the world but at the time, being a 29 y/o woman surrounded by men and missing my own h, and getting orders to combat b/c of HIS choices...so I felt h had pushed me away and I really struggled to find ways to have passion in my life (hence the theater and films) in a safe way.

IF H had tried to humiliate ME, or SHAME ME with it....I'd have made sure I was "proved right" by filing for divorce or at least, leaving him. Plus I'd say that the humiliation was all mine, all those hundreds of nights he was GONE at work and I was alone or alone with the kids, OR he was home but not in the mood b/c apparently he was too tired or his next case was more interesting/important than time with me and or our young children..God he missed SO MUCH...

This was now about 20 years ago. It was a crisis, in me. If my h had a similar one and worked it out, choosing me, frankly I don't want to know.

My "EA" or whatever it was, was the result of how h and i were NOT connecting, my needs were so UNmet and for so long. I can blame him for his career choices, and neglect and poor coping skills (temper issues so bad that D2 was afraid of him then)

So much of what you describe above resonates with me and my situation. I did so many similar things as your H did... and I KNOW that my W felt much the way that you describe of yourself.

Thank you so much for sharing that! It literally has me in tears, but it is so nice to hear someone else talk about their experience that I can relate to... and actually have a happy ending. Thank you... thank you.

I am very tired now and don't know if any of this helps. It's just that I don't think the OM is as big a deal as you do and I sort of know what I'm talking about.

I know that you do 25. And I value what you are saying sooo much.

But ... what I am experiencing hurts sooo much too.

I was out with friends... and while talking about my sitch to one of them, I told him that I am certain of 2 things: 1) that if my W and I make it through this, our M will be stronger and healthier for it... and 2) that if my M does NOT make it, that I will be stronger and healthier as a result of this.

I truly believe that. But its the distance between point A (where I am now) and point B (either of the two possibilities above) that is just so difficult to get through.

Comparing them...OM was cuter at the time, "newer" and built differently but h has always been in shape, or within 10lbs. I like that. He's A bit of a health nut.
H was comparable in looks though I did find OM more exciting for the novelty, My h was smarter, more educated, more accomplished and much higher ranking-we had much more in common in almost every way. But h was gone, literally or physically not available to me for so long. Even when next to me in bed, the intimacy was so lacking and to an extent that went off & on, for years. The 4 yrs/med school/4 yrs residency and I had just had a baby when med school began AND just finsihed law school. So our lives were tough and b/c I had the responsibility for the kids AND a job, and house, etc. I felt unfairlyburdened for YEARS and there wasn't any end in sight Denver...when was I going to have romance or passion in my life? Was I going to lose it before turning 30?

Again, I think that so much of your story is comparable to what has occurred, and is occurring, in my sitch. W has given me some insight on her comparisons bw me and OM. She has said that I am 'way cuter' ... she has said that he is 'dirt poor' ... but it is the lack of intimacy that we had in the last year of our M/R ... and all of the BAD history with me ... that scares W ... and how OM makes her feel that she is out of his league ... whereas she says that I always made her feel like she should think that she was out of my league.

It is tough to compete with this.

So whatever your issues were prior to all this, whatever your w thinks was missing and that OM provides, let her find out that his IQ isn't as "fun" to discuss movies with, and his morals might not be quite what she likes...
and the good times you have had in the past, WILL RESURFACE IN TIME...

I think so too. When W broached the subject of reconciling back in February, she told me that she was not in love with OM, that he was over the top and smothering with how he wanted to treat her.

And there she was... admitting that feelings for me had resurfaced in mid-January. After 2 1/2 months of being separated.

Do I think that will happen again? Yes. I do.

W has 'feelings' for OM... and doesn't know if she can find the 'in love' feelings for me that she buried when she left. So again, this comment resonates.

What my W needs to figure out is that love is a choice... not something that just strikes us out of the blue like lightening. And the 'in love' feelings that she feels she is missing for me NOW are cyclical. I just don't know if she will figure this out in time for us to make it.

Again, it is good to hear that you, as the WAW, were able to figure this out and find those 'in love' feelings for your H eventually.

[quote=25yearsmlc] if someone had pushed me "TO CHOOSE", it would not have pushed me home.
So Give her time and space, let her figure this out and get your ego out of the way.

Okay 25... thank you. Your post has brought me to tears multiple times as I have read it multiple times. Not just bc your story resonates with me so much, and not just because it is filled with hope... but bc I just feel so exhausted by everything. And I am realizing that I still have a very long road to go... and I have to find the strength to do it.

I have come this far... my timeline is puny ... 6 months, 12 months, whatever, is such a short period of time in the grand scheme of things... and I will be, my M may be, stronger when I have finished traveling this road.

I add you to my list of people to thank for saving me and possibly my M when all of this is over 25. Thank you. This post is one that I know that I will refer to often.

Not all the sex with him is great. You worry that she's NEVER FAKING IT...ALWAYS HAVING GREAT PERFECT SEX...A LOT...OM SOMEHOW KNOWS WITHOUT WORDS, EXACTLY WHAT SHE LOVES AND HATES...TELEPATHICALLY THEY DO NOT HAVE TO SPEAK, HE JUST READS HER MIND...THERE ARE NO MEMORIES OF DENVER, NO SONGS, PLACES, EVENTS THAT REMIND HER OF ANYTHING GOOD...

really Denver? You believe that?

Rationally? No. But the demons creep in 25... they creep in a lot when you don't KNOW what is happening... hell, I don't even know how much my W is even talking to OM... but the demons creep in... My W has told me that she just needs space from everyone... but the demons creep in... my W has told me that she doesn't want to date anyone... but the demons creep in...

Of course not...back off my friend. If you had a marriage that you felt happy in, then I guess I say yes for now, I say it's worth it. I think. Better to hang in a bit too long, than to quit a bit too soon, don't you think?

When it's time to quit, IF that time comes, I think you will just know.

Thank you for not being afraid to offer me a true opinion. I will do my best to do what you are advising me to do 25. I will try to drop the rope for a while.

Denver