Won't stand for a broken family

[25yearsmlc]

but see, I am NOT telling you to give up. I am saying he's cake eating. The difference between your IC and me is that MAYBE ( to be fair, I have not met HER either)

But imo, what she SEEMS to be saying is that it's hopeless, get out of the M, whereas I am saying, what you are doing is NOT working out so well. He's leaning away from coming back IF TODAY's messages are to be believed...(fyi, my h never said he wanted a div, he just acted like he was single and had blinders on)...Also, from where I"m sitting, isn't there a bit of "enabling" on your end too? (I mean, "what's for dinner?"....)

I wonder if you were to do something that gets him to see what he risks losing, whether it would wake him up. But it has to be something you mean to do, as opposed to merely a tactic.

IF we had a crystal ball and knew you were eventually going to file for div, I'd argue that he ought to be given the best "warning" possible b/c sometimes, women wait to file or do any legal or financial action, until they are so worn out they have NO motivation to work on things. Then, like my fil and his ex w, the h gets hit with a ton of bricks on the head and suddenly gets it and wants to work on things and maybe they DO CHANGE but oops, too late...his ex w simply waited til she had zero love for him, b/c as long as she felt something positive, she stayed. But in hindsight, had she left him while she still loved him, they might be m today. Do you see my point?

So I'm saying if you are getting tired of this, and I can see why you would, just don't wait til you hate the guy before you do something. B/C if he can change, it's probably only going to be b/c he HAS to... So far, he has not had to, really. You can tell by his questions..."What's for dinner"? (I might have said, "I dont' know, where are you eating tonight?")

As Lotus said, and she's not proud of it, she would NOT have changed for her m or h, until she saw her h making moves to a new life b/c he was so unhappy being mistreated. The idea that he was planning to leave her for his own happiness and was making a new life (poss with OW I don't know) and that she REALLY WAS PROBABLY GOING TO LOSE HIM...[b]woke her up.
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Food for thought. I tend to believe we treat people as badly as they'll allow. Sounds terrible but it's a rut most of us fall into. IN that regard, my "ordeal" was good for us as a couple. I am a better w now than before.

From what I'm seeing/hearing now, I cannot say your h is coming closer, he is just enjoying all the ups of married life and none of the duties, all the rights, none of the responsibilities.

His purchase of a 3k dog when you have kids in college is...honestly, terrible BUT you know, he probably never thought of her needs vis a vis what he wanted. IOW he did not consciously say "let me spend it HERE instead of there..."he didn't think about anything other than what HE wanted...see my point? Nothing intentionally selfish...just oblivious. Is that something you can handle the rest of your life?

They are not intentionally jerks. (NO ONE IS) But that doesn't mean they aren't jerks. SIGH...it's not hopeless but man, when I dropped the rope with my h, and started applying for work ELSEWHERE, other states and a one year gig in ITaly, and h had moved away up NORTH to the tundra/land of adventures and immortality and unicorns and gold rush and blah blah blah....ANYHOW, I had a feeling once he achieved the goal he had set, (passing the boards, getting the DREAM JOB and setting things up, he might wonder about us)...THAT NIGHT, after the boards, he called and said he missed us...(I swear he opened his eyes, looked around and said 'where is everyone?" Oh, oops, 3000 miles away...Damn"

Then he called daily and more, for a year, before I joined him and we worked it out and returned here...talk about work!

But yes, he "gets it" and he regrets it and is working hard on his R with d22...they have dinner once a month and do really seem closer, but she's been deeply frightened of marriage. Says she's clear on why I made my choices but does not know if she could ever make and keep vows like I did. Says she is proud of me for it, etc. My goal this year is to show her my happiness with her dad so she sees I'm no martyr...Just lucky. Make sense?

Sorry about your sitch. I have a feeling something will have to "scare your h straight" like the show does...(no, not scared straight by jail, But by the fear of losing YOU and the homelife he SO takes from granted.....