Quick update The last 24-48 hours have been very hurtful. Last night she tried to force herself to ml to me, and turned right around before I even realized that's what she wanted. It was turn off to find me reading card related articles, and then when I got up to stop her, she said my breath was terrible. (Appearantly my breath was a deal breaker twice last night). She then asked if she could have the bedroom to herself and went in to take care of herself. (At least she did it by herself...)
Of course that really HURT! Then again based on all the mean things she had said all weekend I wasn't surprised. I swear when she is in the mood and doesn't want me she can be so mean...
On the other hand, as Young at Heart said sex between us would not have been a good thing. It would just have been forced, and thus reinforced the notion that we have bad sex. We need real make up sex the type a couple has when all they can think of is being with each other, not "I have no choice, but you" sex. Were not ready.....
She has spent all weekend being moody, and even when I was gone for 6 hours GALing and came back she was still moody.
So yeah I SUPER detached..... I have been reading by myself, (and not DB books and such) on the computer on my own, and watching TV. Last night she threw a fit because I didn't have exciting plans for us. I told her there was nothing I can do, the town was boring, but we could find something for us to do. She got all moody, so I found something for ME to do. More reading....
(The last part was not a blow by blow as I have been doing before, but I am too exhausted and hurt to do a long entry)
So yeah I have super detached, today she asked me if I was ok. I told her in a peppy voice I was fine. She said I seemed depressed. I told her I wasn't but that I was very hurt because of the way she had been treating me all weekend, and just thought it would be better if we didn't spend much time together. After all she had said she couldn't stand being around me. (She has said a lot of mean things, from insulting me to calling me useless, and it goes on and on)
I've spent most of the day reading, and getting my stuff ready for the big move. She on the other hand keeps trying to get my attention. I politely give it to her temporarily and then detach again.
Ok so I have been getting asked for a plan:
1. Get the house ready for the move. It's moving time again and a lot of work has to get done. I will get started now, it'll keep me busy and away despite being in the same house.
2. Will do more alone reading time, one of things I gave up for her was reading. She is always complaining about being bored, so I always felt like I had to give up all my free time to keep her entertained. (It has partially been a jealousy thing too since I have always worried that she may use my GAL time to cheat on me).
3. Will do my best not to cave in when she is "bored". We always get into fights because I am trying to please her and nothing is good enough for her. I need to take an attitude of this is what it is, so accept me for who I am, and what I can do for you. Me trying so hard to keep her entertained does not make her appreciate me. If she is so bored she can just leave on her own. (I super worry she will use this time to cheat, but oh well after how mean she has been I just don't care). Ultimately though I think she will just throw a fit, and stay home....
4. I need to learn to not let her tantrums control me.... not sure how I can do this, but this is important.
5. Need to tell her how I feel....by this I mean if something is bothering me I need the guts to tell her, specially to stop.
The goal right now is detach.... I just find it so hard, after all were trying to get along again right? So ignoring her seems so counterintuitive. Then again after all she has said I am reminded how unappreciated I am, so despite my fears that detachment will further driver her away I think it needs to be done.
I know that after I told her that I was upset about the hurtful things she said, she got real quiet and started to think to herself. She has been trying to "cute herself up to me" again. She has done this before, but I guess it is only a temporary measure to win me back, and not indicative of permanent change. SIGH
I swear I think I'm starting to know what a lot of WAS feel.
6. Tomorrow I will go to the music store, and see if I can get that cable I have been needing to hook up my guitar to my computer. It's time to finally start learning.
7. Will continue coffee with my buddy daily, and I will continue getting her a cup afterwards. I am detaching but need to show her somehow I still care.
That's all I have for now.... God she has me upset this weekend. It's like it finally has given me the impetus to truly detach.... I know it's not good to use resentment, but it will help for now. I know she will try to make things better, I hope I can stick to the changes, until she truly deserves me.
