ISO WAW Decoder

[25yearsmlc]

Not to beat a dead horse, but let me paste part of your old post and see if you can see your words, through her eyes, (or mine) and if your perspective has changed at all.

My wife did not want a 3rd baby, but did and stated to me after in 2007 was when she started not to have feelings for me. I wanted a 4th baby, she did not, but had 4th in 2009 and is REALLY angry at me, bacause as she regularly states that having all the kids ruined her life... Obviously I know she loves them, but feels locked in. She began to withdraw from me more, less affection, less connection, depressed, began to threaten divorce literally every week. Began creating her own little circle of friends. She would always say I feel caged, trapped. She kept complaining about everything, I'd fix a problem, she'd find a new one. I stopped working as planned, and began to focus on her and try to make up for my lack of being there. Began to take on the majority of house chores, to reduce her stress, cared for the children 50% or more at times, went out more, planned more trips, allotted for more spending money for her. Seriously everything you can think of that goes wrong in a marriage, I fixed. She would still continue to threaten divorce. In the past year, she asked for a nanny and a cleaner and I was like, that's enough of this.

Does this strike you differently now? HOW SO? What does "enough of this" mean? ...enough of what? The words "allotted her money" struck me too. As in you controlled the money and when YOU "allotted" HER money it means it's your money, and you "gave" some more to her or rather, you "allotted". Man that sounds so corporate.

The words "depressed", "trapped", "locked in" were SOS's to me, red flares into the universe...and of course, having 2 children she did not want then...

Is it possible at all, that you wanted to lock her in, and that the more children she had, the less likely you thought it was that she'd leave?

Or did you just think her not wanting more kids then, wasn't a big deal? I ask this even now, b/c it's such a huge question that you have to answer someday. IT's a key factor in so much, sleep deprivation and the housework and the relentless demands on time. ONE toddler is a lot to handle. You never eat your food when it's warm, you can't think to yourself unless the baby is sleeping and then you have to clean up and have zero "me" time unless you hire help. Our housekeeper has reduced conflict in my home by about 80%. Yes, that's worth it. But if you don't understand your part there, it'll hinder your future Rs with her, or a recon, or just interacting with her. It may also affect your r with another woman down the road.

Dig deep. Be brave. Most of our journey on DBing, and in life, is an inward one.