After what? After After!

[♪CS♪]

It's been a week and a half since FIL passed away. I can tell you, it has been an experience for me. It's not just the loss of FIL of course, it's a bit of everything. 

As my last thread was over 100 posts, and as I am now a day removed from the service, I figured it was the right time to start a new thread. 

Yesterday was a LONG day, afterwards I was exhausted. 

I got to the service about 45 minutes early, I couldn't believe how many people were already there. I figured it would just be immediate family and it would be time for W to see D. Well, I ended up beating W there. I said hi to several family members, they were all happy to see D. A lot of red eyes, but overall people handle these things better than you would expect. I was impressed with the friendliness I was treated with by everyone. Really, it was not as awkward as I'd thought it would be. 

I got to MIL and she immediately thanked me for coming and we hugged and talked for a bit. W then got there and she was glad to see D. She looked so beautiful. MIL then asked me to sit with the family, I was honored. She asked W if she would mind, if she would like me sitting next to her. W did a little double take, but agreed. 

The service was in a large theater on the local state campus (my school). The family, me included headed back to the green room. I'll be honest, this part was a little awkward for me. I just tried to stay busy, helping with D, looking at things etc. I probably shouldn't have, but I said to W, if me being there made her uncomfortable, I understood and could give them time alone. She said it was fine. 

As we were getting close to going in, SIL made a comment that she would like to sit next to W. W had her tissues in her purse. I heard this, so as we walked in, I let SIL go ahead of me, she sat next to W, the BIL, then I sat next to him. 

W started out with D, but that didn't last long. D go squirmy so I looked at W, she gestured (yes) and I took D. I had to get up and walk D out a couple times as she got fussy. Then about half way though, as I was walking up the isle with D, I saw my mom who offered to take her out for me. That was nice, I was able to sit for the rest of the service. It was really well done. The hardest part was the slide show. I know everyone got choked up for that part. 

When it was over I went out and got D. She had pooped (yay) so I took her back and changed her. Then I took her over to some grass and let her run around a bit. 

We then went back to the reception. I saw W and we hugged (pretty good hug 9 ). First thing she said was that I could have sat by her. I was surprised by this, in a good way. The way she said it, it was nice. I wish I had of I guess, but I don't think it did any damage. Nice to know she thought of it, and that she mentioned it. 

I stood with her for a while as different family and friends came up to her to offer condolences. One person asked, "is this your H?"  W said "yes, this is CS"  Another person complimented me on how I handled D during the service.  I won't over analyze it.  I then told her I would give her some time with D and meet with family, and left for about a 10 minute walk around campus. 

When I got back, I saw and talked to BIL for a bit. The only time "the sitch" came up. He said both he and SIL had been pulling for me, and had talked to W, although not since she first left. I didn't really know what to say. All I got out as I remember was "I appreciate it". Then I said, this was a choice she had to make on her own. I then changed the subject and the rest of the convo was good.  

W came up to me as we were talking (I liked this, I definitely didn't want to be chasing her at all). We had some good time together. I realized how nice it was to have both of us together with D. Just wiping her nose is SO much easier when you have two. 

At this point I was planning on finding MIL to say goodbye, but it took a long time to find a good time to see her. Obviously she was busy with many people. While I waited I talked to several other family members, again everyone was very nice. 

I had D and let her run around. It was cute and she gave everyone quite a kick. I chased her around as she explored EVERY nook and cranny. I caught my W watching us and smiling a couple times.  D made a friend with a little boy, that was cute. 

W and I finally went up to MIL and I said my goodbyes. They both thanked me for coming.  I talked to MIL about coming up to visit her, she really appreciates it. As I left W says "send pics!"  I said I would. 

All in all it went as well as I could have hoped. Everyone was very friendly, and only the one very brief discussion of the sitch. W was very friendly with me, and I know is very appreciative of everything I've done. 

I'll see W tomorrow morning to drop off D and things should slowly get back to normal. 

I must admit, all of this has added some hope for me. Who knows, they say everything for a reason. Maybe FIL's passing will prove to open up some positives for W and I. Only time will tell. 

RIP FIL

[BeTheMan]

Country: I have read a lot of your posts and have never commented. But, I need to tell you not to look for too much in the apparently positive things that happened the last few days. Nothing your W says or does during such an emotional time is an indication in any way of what she may see and do in a week, month or year. There is also the danger of what you will feel the next time things go the other way. I've made the mistake of false hope literally hundreds of times over the last 6 years and every time I was hurt more than the last. Just a word of caution...nothing more.

[~¤DG¤~]

Country,

If my exh's (from my 1st marriage) father died or anyone in his family for that matter I would have gone to their service also. I wouldn't have sat with the family, since we are both remarried, but I still would have been there. I am still very fond of his family and always will be. They do a lot for our kids.

I think you did a great job in how you handled things, but I also caution about false hope. Your W is going through a lot right noW, and I am sure her emotions are all over the place.

I think the next days, weeks, months are going to be especially hard for your W because reality will set in. When they first pass there are so many details to attend to, people to meet with, it's a whirlwind.
Once she is alone in her thoughts and processes that this is final, that might make her react in a completely different way.

I know you don't need me to tell you to just be there for her, because I know you know that...just try to not get your hopes up too much.

[ninelives]

Again Country , you handled everything with the dignity that we have come to expect. I really dont have to say this because I know you know, but I echo BTM. Remember, NO expectations because that is where dissappointment comes into play.

I hope things go well for you, you and the BITS are always on my mind and i have talked to some of my friends about you. Its a shame we will probably never meet.

Glad she hugged you well; ( you werent kidding you are a smart A$$) and also glad that her family wants to see things work out between you.

What is your next step? IMO, just be there for her and nothing more. She will dictate everything for awhile. You need to be pleasant and friendly which of course you will be.

Keep it up Country. I m sure she did notice some differences about you.

9

[♪CS♪]

Thanks guys.

Hope is a strange thing. Sometimes I think it is necessary thorough all of this. Sometimes I think it makes matters worse.

Expectations in check.

W and I texted a little bit today. She had asked I send a pic so I did.

She thanks me and then brings up the weather (I know, but it has been strange here with thunder storms.)

She doesn't usually bring up small talk like this. Usually we stick to D.

She thanked me AGAIN for being there yesterday.

I opened up a bit here. The service was in a theater that held 500. It was FULL. Then my mom told me when she took D outside there was another 200-300 people outside, and they had it mic'd. I told her this, didn't know if she knew. Said some other things about FIL.

She thanked me again with a "so much"

TBH, I'm looking forward to things slowing down a bit. It can be hard with so much contact. I know I shouldn't, but I can get the feeling of walking on eggshells.

As 25 said, seeds have been planted. Now I need to give them time to germinate.

[islander]

Country, you definitely planted seeds. Buy if you try to open them up a little to help them, you know nothing will grow. Just be patient. You have a great demeanor about you, and I know your W definitely notices.

[♪CS♪]

Thanks islander, I really appreciate it.

Something happened this weekend that made me feel really good.

After the service I went back to my parents house. Parents, brother and SIL drove separately. They didn't stick around for the reception and instead went and got dinner. When I left I called and asked if they were on their way home yet. Said they were just leaving.

Well, turns out I beat them to the house by about 10 minutes. I was locked out and D had pooped on the way home and I had to change her.

I was able to get in the backyard and I changed D on the outside table.

Later that night, my mom and I were talking. My mom and I have always been able to have some really good conversations. She's someone I look to for good judgement and a "thinker."

Just a note, we have not talked about DB'ing, or a lot of what I am doing. I have kept the subject pretty generic.

Anyways, she says she has seen me change. She brought up the situation of them being late back to the house. She says "you know, the old CS would have gotten angry and been P'd off the rest of the night."

It really made me think. Maybe these changes ARE real. I didn't even think about it when it happened. But when she brought it up I realized she was right.

I guess what it comes down to.

Don't sweat the small stuff.

[jbnati]

Country, you did a great job with all of this. Like islander said, you definitely planted some seeds. They will need some time to grow.

It sounds like you are a fantastic Dad, too. You are doing incredibly well with your D.

[LITB]

Hope is a strange thing. Sometimes I think it is necessary thorough all of this. Sometimes I think it makes matters worse.

Country, as I've said before, the way you have handled yourself throughout this ordeal speaks volumes of your character. You are a class act. Keep on keeping on.

Since you brought up hope, I wanted to share some quotes I came across last week.

“Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark.”

“Hope is the feeling that you have isn't permanent.”

“In all things it is better to hope than to despair”

“When you say a situation or a person is hopeless, you are slamming the door in the face of God.”

“Never let go of hope. One day you will see that it all has finally come together. What you have always wished for has finally come to be. You will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself... 'How did I get through all of that?”

[♪CS♪]

Thanks LITB, love the quotes!

I think the truth is, if we did not hold onto some hope, most of us would not be here.

The balance seems to be managing the hope and not letting it create unrealistic expectations.