Mission 25. I Really Mean it this time>

[25yearsmlc]

9, You wanted some feedback...get a helmet.

Okay , just got back from Church. Felt good, got to go in with low expectaions and just let things happen. It was good to be around the positive energy that church provides.

That comment about having low expectations of church really struck me. It's as if you feel great about not expecting an instant fix. Well, um, yeah.

lady...told me how much I meant to her daughter as a teacher. Im not trying to sound egotistical but I hear that alot, even heard it later from another parent when I was at the grocery store. Makes me feel good, Like I am making a difference.

Good for you

That used to bother my Wife when parents stopped me and told me things like that.

Oh come on...really? She hated that you did well at work? She wanted you to get fired? What??? Keep up the negative mind reading. It's so helpful.


She mentioned that I should have put that type of effort into our family.


OH THAT'S DIFFERENT ISN'T IT?? She's saying that at HOME you are not the hero and she needs more than you are giving HER.
You're saying that people praising your work, bothered your w? Why do I sense a whole lot of mind reading? You taught, you graded papers at home I assume, and you coached how many teams? You like sports. You were away a lot. Your attention was not on the M...and btw, Does your w love sports?

I can see how she would feel that way , but I dont think I neglected my family because I put everything into my school,

re-read that sentence and ask yourself if you might be missing something...when you add in what SHE TOLD YOU, with this comment, there's a gem of insight that you are skipping by...too painful??? Then look at it. Get brave. The real journey in DBing is an inward one.
I did coach alot however was still home by 5:30 ish.. I could have been home earlier and maybe helped with supper and the like.

You're getting closer to the truth but after all this time you still sound so defensive. Like your insights into yourself are immediately explained away. You have a scorecard and for every thing you concede not doing well, you add in something SHE Did bad, or you pat yourself on the back for something else...Hard to get an accurate read on things. Lose the dang scorecard. It's blocking you from moving forward in a big way. Do you have any idea what I mean?


I just thought I was being a dedicated teacher. I look at what I did with the family and it was as much as anybody. I coached both my sons on their teams, played with them, cooked some of the meals. IDK. COuld she be jealous of some of my success?

NO. But I bet she felt neglected. Or unfulfilled in her career. There's a big difference. See scorecard comment above.



ONe thing I didt help enough with for sure was the laundry. Could have and should have helped way more with that.

That's a small tiny thing and you know it. Is that supposed to show insight here? Come on, dig a lot deeper.

Anyway, getting back to the Church thing, I lit a candle and took communion today in honour of forgiveness. I am trying to recognize that she was unhappy and frail and doesnt always make good decisions.

She was hospitalized for psychiatric reasons...Christ, have you forgotten that? And who ALWAYS makes good decisions. You? Come on...Oh, and btw, according to "Psychology Today", 90% of women who take AD's, feel they have critical husbands...just thought I'd mention that.


I am not for ONE second condoning what she did ,

Yeah, we KNOW!!! The whole world knows.


but Im trying to let go of the anger.


Really? How?

That is all I can do and maybe it will help.

"maybe it will help"...the one guarantee I can make in your situation is that IT WILL CERTAINLY HELP....OMG...

It wont be a quick fix either, its going to take me a great deal of time to truly forgive and Im not sure If I can totally , but its a start.

9

If you cannot forgive, then move on now and own that.Otherwise, You'll just make yourself into a martyr or victim, and her into the evil one.

I'm betting she fears that You'll hold it over her head forever, or throw it in her face every time you fight and that is fatal to a good marriage.
Single biggest reason WAS's don't come home when they want to, is b/c they believe the LBSer won't forgive or will micromanage under the guise of "rebuilding trust" and their lives will be endless shame and punishment. What have you done to allay that fear? Oh, not a lot. You are NOW thinking that letting go of the anger "might" help...geez...

Without forgiveness, (which you really need to read up about) Your kids will see major grudge holding, zero forgiveness, zero compassion for someone with emotional issues or who is simply a flawed human like the rest of us.

It's been over a year and you have barely entertained the concept of letting go of this. THEN YOU immediately say you won't condone it, as if anyone in their right mind thought you were, or confuses forgiveness with THAT... And you know, who cares anyhow? I don't care if you condone it or not. The forgiveness is so YOU wont' be stuck for as long as YOU have chosen to be. It isn't for her, per se.

Seems to me, You have put your anger and pride/ego being bruised, above nearly all else. Hence the punitive nature of things and glacial pace towards peace or forgiveness. For a man who wanted to be m to a woman, you have taken a long time to figure out that you have to be loving and kind and show her that marriage to you today & "from this day forward" would NOT be a repeat of the past, or worse, you hanging the sword of Damacles over her head forever.

I am just so glad that she has not completely disconnected from you or become indifferent, which would mean she had no feelings for you...

Say, you stated long ago you could not find the DB DR books...so, I didn't notice whether you finally got the DB books after what, a year and some months??? Have you?

Your m has been troubled a long time. I see that. But I don't see healthy approaches to much, just a lot of grievances you have held onto WAY too long.


I guess I don't buy that you were a great h, although you sound like a dedicated coach and sport lover. But you concede the most minor of flaws and sort of joke about the sex. Did she enjoy it with you? Was it MUTUALLY enjoyable most of the time? Did you connect with her, and make it more than a physical release for you? When my father died, my libido disappeared. But my desire for intimacy and closeness with my h, did not. When our d22 graduated from college last week, we ML in a celebratory way. ML is not just about the sex, for most of us. It's a source of comfort, celebration, connecting, apologizing, forgiving, etc. What was it for you two?

Your w sounds as if she's been dealing with some mental and emotional illness and you engage in behavior to match. If she is struggling with that issue you've been dealing with this in an odd way.

For example, You are not seeing a c for learning how to deal with her illness? If she were an alcoholic (and if you were a healthy spouse of one), you'd be in Al Anon and or you'd do an intervention to focus on the real issues....not the "conversation" that day and whether she was flirting with someone.

And btw, it's obvious to me, after reading your early thread, that OM is nothing. He's a symptom. The reason you focus on him, is your bruised ego. I do not mean to make light of the wound. But I do think you should by now realize he's not the threat to your m.

You have more control in this than you have exercised. (B/C you have not been in control of your own behavior and for that, you probably ought to see someone professional. Don't be offended by that comment, be helped by it. I saw a C when my dad died. It helped a lot!

You could make a much bigger difference in things, but you seem hell bent on reminding us and yourself of all her indiscretions, you skim over her genuine emotional illness, and put almost all of the serious blame for the m problems, on her. So maybe it is hopeless. But If she had diabetes, would you whine about her symptoms and how they make YOU feel, and how she won't have sex with you b/c she's in a coma, and how wacky she acts when her insulin is too high, or would you learn about diabetes, "in sickness and in health" and get her treated and learn how to inject her when she needs it??? Well?