Wow. I took a whole day off posting. Hopefully, that's a good sign.
I had another good conversation with S17 last night. Our relationship was going downhill for quite some time and after our big fight we have been talking more than we ever have. He is really starting to trust me more and understand me more. I have managed to that without him having to think poorly of his mother or fully realize that she isn't always honest with him.
While talking to him I realized that OM is not only controlling STBX like a puppet, but I was allowing him to control my life and my happiness. I may not be able to stop him from taking my wife and her life, but I can choose to not let him control me anymore.
Since I "quit" just a few days ago, I feel calmer inside and see some hope and happiness for the future. I had allowed myself to get out of shape since the separation, but yesterday started working out again. Exercise certainly makes me feel better and I admit that I want to look good some day when STBX sees me and I want to look good to help find someone new to share my life with. I am going to make some woman an incredible partner.
This emotional rollercoaster is no fun at all! Only hours after my post above and I am so tempted to contact STBX it's driving me nuts. Sundays, I have too much time on my hands and I think what this day used to be like - as recently as a year ago, when STBX would come to our house, we would grocery shop together, have dinner with the kids and often play Scrabble together.
I will get through this day somehow and hopefully feel better tomorrow. I am going to go work out now in the hopes that the endorphins will brighten my day. I had to come her just to vent and to promise that I won't call her, because I need to stay with my quit and keep moving forward.
STBX just called me at work to give me crap (politely though) for discussing our situation and her relationship with OM with kids. I have tried not to do so, but sometimes the conversation regarding our futures etc does go that way.
I stayed calm, but again showed just how much I miss her and how much of a mess I am. I can't manage to even sound strong over the phone. I am now just managing to not lose it.
STBX just called me at work to give me crap (politely though) for discussing our situation and her relationship with OM with kids. I have tried not to do so, but sometimes the conversation regarding our futures etc does go that way.
I would keep it simple, BTM. "Believe me, W, I'm not going out of my way to make this any more difficult on anyone that it already is, but I decided that I'm no longer willing to lie to the kids to cover up your affair. I'm not going to intiate anything, but when they ask me a direct question, they need to know that at least ONE of their parents isn't going to lie to them anymore."
These are consequences that are hers to own, not yours to defend.
Starsky - there is no affair to cover up as far as she thinks. She is openly involved with her boss and believes she has the right to be since we are separated and she is "done". She told the kids "right after we first slept together". She feels I have no right to say anything about her life now and I suppose I don't. She seems to forget that she had an EA or worse with the same man for 8 years. That's the part she doesn't want the kids to know. She will forever claim that they were just friends and that after we separated they took their relationship to a different level. She manages to make it all look so innocent. That's what drives me nuts. She leaves her family, ***** her Boss and manages to make me look like the bad guy.
If I answered a direct question and she also did, and the answers were even slightly different, my kids would always believe her. They have told me that. They simply don't trust me. She again, looks like an angel to them. Argggg
Last night I made a brief appearance at a b'day party for a friends gf. I really didn't want to go, but I am trying to force myself to GAL and it was actually ok. I spent most of the hour I was there talking to a man I know about my sit, since he asked about my STBX and is also separating at this time. It's everywhere!!
Today, I go back to LRT. My best effort so far - 10 days. I need to do so much better.
This is a grey area. YOu want to tell the truth because that is what you believe in , but you dont want to hurt the kids, at all costs you want to protect them.
I have not mentioned to my youngest ever that his mom had an affair with OM and that was one of the reasons why mom and dad are not together. That would really hurt his relationship with his mother. My parents wanted me to tell him the truth but they are just being bitter and not seeing his needs.
He loves his mother and respects her. There is NO need to mess with that. The petty side of me though would not like to see him get along with OM, but the logical side of me( it does exist), sees that as being painful for my son as well since OM is going to be around. Who knows for how long, so these are years my son can never buy back so I want them to always be happy for him. His childhood, you cant put a price on it.
Just be careful what you say and Protect them ALWAYS.
ITs not easy, but you will walk away the better person in the end.
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BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
S17, D19 and her boyfriend just came home from dinner with STBX. They went to a fairly high end restaurant. I get the feeling it wasn't just the four of them. Not sure why, but I think one of STBX's OM was there. I don't need another negative phone call from STBX, so I won't ask any questions about their night.
S17 was rather cold with me when he came home. Makes me wonder how much I was a topic of conversation tonight. Of course, STBX claims she never talks to the kids about me. Whatever.
Tonight, I don't miss STBX at all. I can see things getting nasty in the very near future. I always hoped we wouldn't get to that point, but I just don't feel like being the nice guy anymore. Especially when no matter what or who she does, STBX comes out smelling like roses to our kids.
Starsky - there is no affair to cover up as far as she thinks. She is openly involved with her boss and believes she has the right to be since we are separated and she is "done". She told the kids "right after we first slept together". She feels I have no right to say anything about her life now and I suppose I don't.
A distinction without a difference, BTM. You're still covering up for her, to your kids. Lying by omission.
I had a monumental epiphany today. I know it's not supposed to be a good idea to look to the past, and we should only focus on today and tomorrow. But, for the last year and a half I have been trying to figure out why the whole thing just doesn't make sense to me. Today, I got it! It really hurts, but at least now, I can finally have closure.
You would have to read through all my threads to understand completely, but I have lived through it all and can't believe it took me this long to get it. Basically, the last 2 years have all been planned by STBX. She put a plan in place that would allow her to wind up with her Boss and at the end of it all, make me look like the bad guy and her look more like an innocent victim of circumstance.
The day she said she was moving, she said she hoped it wouldn't be forever, that was a lie. In the first six month after she moved out, we dated and went on vacations and things seemed to be getting better. That was all an act. Slowly she started to spend less time with kids and I, claiming I was pushing too hard, that was a way to make it look like she wanted to be here, but couldn't because of me.
I really couldn't understand a lot of her actions this year, but that's simply because she moved her plan a little faster than in the past and became less careless and she got so close to her ultimate end.
I had been thinking that a lot of it was a plan by OM/her Boss, but it was really her plan all along. She had to make him look like the bad guy, so my anger would be at him and not her. Like a fool, I did exactly that. In fact, I did every thing she wanted every time.
I feel like an idiot for not getting all of this earlier. I have wasted so much time trying to save something that couldn't be saved. There was no way to break her plan.
I never wanted to believe that I spent over 20 years with such a conniving, evil woman and that is why I couldn't see it. Finally, I can admit who she is and what she has done to me as a person. She destroyed my self esteem and pride. I kept trying to figure out what was wrong with me.
Yes, this really hurts, but now I feel so much better about quitting. Her plan worked to perfection and she came out smelling like roses. There is nothing I can do about that. It is very unfair, but it comes from an unfair person.
One main DB principle is to believe nothing of what you hear. I should have focused on that so much more. She lied, lied and lied some more. Had I not trusted her at all, I would have made it here a long time ago.
I am so upset it took me so long to get it. Wow, was I a fool. I was, not am.
We've all been there. Others try to warn us, but we love our wives and we have blinders on. I did see where others tried to warn you -- repeatedly -- on your old threads, but that's water over the dam now.
As an old friend of mine once said, "If you're not ready, you're not ready . . . and then you are."
Wayward men are typically less organized in their plans. Usually, by the time a wife walks away -- whether or not there's infidelity involved -- they've been emotionally checked out from the marriage, and actively planning their exit from it, for months or even YEARS. It's why they are typically harder to draw back.
