85 Days

[25yearsmlc]

as Lotus said, no can decide for you. But I just think your time line has been...well...puny.

Second, I don't know what your m was like before. At its' best, at it's usual (in the decent times) and at its' worst (worst, in the normal category PRE bombs..)

Was it a tumultuous M, a roller coaster with super HIGH highs, and LOW lows, or a m that was the envy of many. Was it somewhere in between? I think most m's are like the ocean, with an ebb and a flow to them.

The first 10 years of my m were the envy of others in terms of our connection with each other. Couples commented on it at THEIR weddings. This connection and closeness was despite the hardships of vet school, med school (h was first there) and then my law school (and had 2 kids in there (#3 came later). We were tight. As his studies and 2nd career took its toll, (and God it took a toll. I would NEVER marry a man who wanted to be an MD, again, no offense to the pre-meds out there. Sure, if they're are ALL done with the hell, it's fine. But going thru it, is not). ANYHOW

after so long of deferring pleasure and quality time, feeling like an attractive woman with nowhere to go, IOW, lonely, with no end in sight....

I ALMOST had a PA. Looking back I guess it was = to EA moving towards a PA. H was an intern/MD working over 90hrs a week (NOT counting his studies, that's at work with patient time...insanity) and NO days off for weeks at a time (like 5-6 weeks, then ONE day off, literally). Am I blaming him? The point is, I did THEN!!

It was Desert Storm, we were both active duty. Oh, what's that? WHY DID I JOIN??? I joined the frickin' Army B/C H owed them years for his med school..."if you can't beat 'em, join 'em"...

Then guess who got orders to go? NOT H, ME!! Soooo, you have a sitch wherein my h majorly neglects me due to sleep deprivation, insane, unrelenting hours, and pressure, we have 2 small children who are needy and in a new assignment/state, I'm in a high pressure job AND preparing to deploy to what sounded at the time, like something that could be WWIII (depending on Israel, etc)....

When who Enters my work place, but , a charming Kevin Costner lookalike. Uber charming and pleasant and kind...Immediate connection. OM has NORMAL hours, home at night...wth??? What's that like?? OMG...

When I opened a show (I perform as an avocation)...so H didn't remember this and was on call that night, refusing to ask anyone to cover for him b/c then they might not like him. H would NOT make waves at work that really were not "waves"....No one would have cared if he had taken THAT night off and it meant so much to me...at the last minute, h "remembered the night OF" and took 2 hours off to rush around missing 3/4 of the show, to see PART of the show and brought our then S5...I wasn't mad, I was diasspointed. Then I got flowers...from Kevin Costner lookalike who shows up opening night AND other nights, brings flowers and champagne "thanking me" for a wonderful evening.

Denver, I'm NOT proud of this but I learned a lot. If I had not had this experience I know I'd never forgive h for an A, but seeing how close I came, makes it easier.

I was VERY attracted to OM, but in a way I just wanted out of my life...I got little sleep, took the kids to daycare EARLY and got to work during war, working in the Army is TENSION FILLED ALL THE TIME, had a hard job in the JAG Corps at that time,(did casualty notifications, ouch)

in a new area without family, but little ones at home, daycare problems galore, and facing a deployment that required me to get a new gas mask and dental x-rays "for identification purposes"...talk about a reality check. Times were intense. I did subconsiously blame h at times b/c I would never have been in the situation, but for HIS career choices made AFTER we married. (He was a veterinary student when we married, and I was HAPPY he was NOT an MD...times change).

Here's the point. I never told h b/c I worked it out. I told a sister then a chaplain and I went to see a shrink. Oddly, I also told my dad and he was really helpful. He thought it all out with me...

RE As...."okay so you don't have enough intimacy or time as a couple NOW, and your other issues with your h, but probably will someday when training subsides, THINGS will improve so this would only be a temporary "solution"...Plus...war is intense and puts a dramatic spin on things, YOU are lonely, you want passion and romance and a fresh start and you are tired of facing years more of h's training and long hours, you didnt sign up for this, and knowing your youth is spent mostly waiting for him to be home, But when he comes home you want him NOT to be tired or irritable as hell due to sleep deprivation....ALL THINGS I TRULY FELT...
Then my dad said, think it out...you sleep with OM...and???? Do you just keep it that level, fun in bed? Is that really you? Adultery for..."fun sex"? Maybe some men can do that, but you can't. You'll end it, or you'll fall in love. Either way, a painful choice will come to your life. Most women attach emotion to sex, at least, EVENTUALLY, so there you have to make a terribly painful choice...how will your kids see you, your h, etc? Imagine the scene...and contrast that with your self image of being an officer, Christian, woman of substance...how's that going to feel in the mirror? OUCH!

The image of my kids and h crying b/c of me killed me. But it took months of me "working" on this to get OM out of my mind. I even thought I "loved" him, which is pretty crazy since we didn't know each other well and realistically, we had little in common....to this day, I shake my head and wonder how this same brain could be the brain I had then...

Point #2 is, IF my h had learned of my struggle and "outed" me, I'd have left his butt on the curb. SORRY but You see, in my mind, I was nearly totally justified.
In my mind, at that time, I felt so neglected and lonely (hell, I WAS NEGLECTED AND LONELY!! I know it's not the worst thing in the world but at the time, being a 29 y/o woman surrounded by men and missing my own h, and getting orders to combat b/c of HIS choices...so I felt h had pushed me away and I really struggled to find ways to have passion in my life (hence the theater and films) in a safe way.

IF H had tried to humiliate ME, or SHAME ME with it....I'd have made sure I was "proved right" by filing for divorce or at least, leaving him. Plus I'd say that the humiliation was all mine, all those hundreds of nights he was GONE at work and I was alone or alone with the kids, OR he was home but not in the mood b/c apparently he was too tired or his next case was more interesting/important than time with me and or our young children..God he missed SO MUCH...

I worked it out with personal/spiritual work, without h. And OM got deployed sooner than me and I never saw him again for maybe 2 years and we just avoided eye contact.

If it had gotten totally physical (and spare me the argument that EAs are the SAME AS PA's, to me they're not and I don't believe to most men, that they are either. An EA is harder to define when you are crossing a line, my work dictates I interact with men a lot, I was a tomboy anyhow in a male profession and I have 5 brothers. I am comfortable with me. Some of them are dear friends and I share things with them that I might NOT share with h, not R things..more like political differences, So, am I going to hell?

This was now about 20 years ago. It was a crisis, in me. If my h had a similar one and worked it out, choosing me, frankly I don't want to know.

My "EA" or whatever it was, was the result of how h and i were NOT connecting, my needs were so UNmet and for so long. I can blame him for his career choices, and neglect and poor coping skills (temper issues so bad that D2 was afraid of him then) Or whatever, but NOW his worklife and mine are both better now, and I have enough other GAL things in my life to channel the passions I need to have, that even if h's hours get bad again, I'll be alright. OR I'll tell him to be home more and I like to think that NOW, he'd listen better.


I am very tired now and don't know if any of this helps. It's just that I don't think the OM is as big a deal as you do and I sort of know what I'm talking about.

Comparing them...OM was cuter at the time, "newer" and built differently but h has always been in shape, or within 10lbs. I like that. He's A bit of a health nut.
H was comparable in looks though I did find OM more exciting for the novelty, My h was smarter, more educated, more accomplished and much higher ranking-we had much more in common in almost every way. But h was gone, literally or physically not available to me for so long. Even when next to me in bed, the intimacy was so lacking and to an extent that went off & on, for years. The 4 yrs/med school/4 yrs residency and I had just had a baby when med school began AND just finsihed law school. So our lives were tough and b/c I had the responsibility for the kids AND a job, and house, etc. I felt unfairlyburdened for YEARS and there wasn't any end in sight Denver...when was I going to have romance or passion in my life? Was I going to lose it before turning 30?

Sorry if this sound immodest but I am not an ugly woman, and have never had problems attracting men. But being m to an MD and SOLDIER increases your chances of a long periods of forced celibacy a LOT...and that stinks...
So whatever your issues were prior to all this, whatever your w thinks was missing and that OM provides, let her find out that his IQ isn't as "fun" to discuss movies with, and his morals might not be quite what she likes...
and the good times you have had in the past, WILL RESURFACE IN TIME...

If my h had found out about OM and got his act together and dramatically improved his hours somehow, (some of our friends took a one year hiatus to live in Europe. I WOULD HAVE LOVED THAT..but h was always on a track to somewhere, didn't stop and smell roses...) well then Gosh, my dreams would have come true.

But ahem, I did not think that would be his reaction and so, we didn't go there.

I'm still amazed that I actually thought I "loved" OM for months, (also loved h, but didn't feel "in love" with as much THEN....

But definitely fantasized a lot about life with OM, imagining a life where the h is home every night, AND holidays, and does NOT get called away MOST weekend nights, leaving me stranded all types of places, needing a cab home, so we could not actually plan things...h missed 9 NINE Thanksgivings in a row. Kids didn't "get" the holiday so we created a Friday based one...I dreamed...Imagine a h paying attention to ME and the kids and NOT FIRST studying, Not FIRST doing everything else and giving us his "left over energy"...imagine a h giving me my Love Language of time together and affection. It was a hard time. It's hard to compete with a cancer patient or a trauma case...they always take precedence.

But in hindsight, of course I did not "love" OM...
but if someone had pushed me "TO CHOOSE", it would not have pushed me home.

So Give her time and space, let her figure this out and get your ego out of the way.

Not all the sex with him is great. You worry that she's NEVER FAKING IT...ALWAYS HAVING GREAT PERFECT SEX...A LOT...OM SOMEHOW KNOWS WITHOUT WORDS, EXACTLY WHAT SHE LOVES AND HATES...TELEPATHICALLY THEY DO NOT HAVE TO SPEAK, HE JUST READS HER MIND...THERE ARE NO MEMORIES OF DENVER, NO SONGS, PLACES, EVENTS THAT REMIND HER OF ANYTHING GOOD...

really Denver? You believe that?

Of course not...back off my friend. If you had a marriage that you felt happy in, then I guess I say yes for now, I say it's worth it. I think. Better to hang in a bit too long, than to quit a bit too soon, don't you think?

When it's time to quit, IF that time comes, I think you will just know.