Beatrice and Canadianmrs: Thanks for responding to me. I just picked up the "co-dependent no more book from the library last week.However, I have not got into it yet, due to reading the a.a. book and alanon literature. But I will get to it soon.
I agree with so much you have said, and I dont take offense to it. I have been hearing so much crap about the things H has been doing, and I just dont even want any part of him right now.
I am finally opening my eyes to how poorly my H has treated me, and I just dont want to live like that again.
The things I am doing different this time are: -going to alanon -after h threatened to leave - I said "here let me help ya" (unlike last time when I begged him to stay/return) -I am understanding that H has a real alcohol problem instead of denying it like I did for so long (I thought before that H was just MLC, but I think the drink has brought him to a MLC now). -I am letting him go, and HE KNOWS IT - (last time I said I was, but deep down I was always checking on him, being nice, taking him back with no real boundaries), now I know for a fact I dont want him back unless if he made some real changes that were proven to me. -I am only responding to his texts that he sends to me: I dont text him anymore. I am most likely going to stop responding really soon after I tell him to get his crap out of my Place. He only left two wks ago and we do have some buisness to take care of in terms of seperation, so I cant help but talk to him about that stuff soon. -Still GALing as I always have done. I only have one week night a week that I dont have activities planned that get me out in the world. -This time, I am not so weak - I do feel much stronger and that I would be much better off with out him currently. Last time, I was so blind, and I just kept hoping and praying that he would return. -I am no longer going to let him walk all over me, I am demanding respect.
Tonight, I went out to 80's themed party and had a blast. I did not cry when people asked where my H was, I told them the truth with strength and courage. I got hit on by about 3 guys and they gave me so many compliments, More than I have gotten from my H in the whole past year. It made me feel good, It made me feel like I do have a lot going for me, It built up my self esteem and confidence. It was a great night, and I didnt have a drop to drink, I laughed and had fun and felt a little more like the old tipper.
This is all really scary to me, because for the first time ever, I can really see myself wanting more than what my H could give. I can finally see how Michelle W.D. says in her books that it is usually up to the LBS to decide on whether or not they want the MLCer back. Currently - I DONT!!!! TIPPER
