85 Days

[Denver_2010]

Fear...the root of all evil...

I don't even always see the fear...

When I acknowledge those fears, specifically, finding the root, it is pretty easy to see how "stupid" (sorry can't think of a better word) that the fear really is...

No Cat, 'stupid' is not a bad choice of words here. I think that you are 100% correct with your experience here. And it is the same thing that I experience. I'm just not certain that my fears right now fall into this category. Or at least I am having trouble seeing that they are stupid.

My life is dramatically affected if these fears come to pass. And not in a good way as I see it now.

How, whether the fear is rational or irrational, holding onto it, keeps me stuck in the fear, in the what if's, keeps me spinning.

Then it is up to me, to either let go of the fear and just live and see what happens, or stay stuck in the fear and keep going in the circles in my brain...

This is the crux of the matter... how fear affects us and our behavior. Holding onto it serves no benefit. Our rational mind can see this... yet we do it anyway.

And, as you point out, it keeps us stuck.

The answer IS to just live and see what happens. THAT IS the ANSWER. You are soooo right Cat. And you verbalize it as well as it can be verbalized.

But... HOW do we get ourselves, our minds, to let go of that fear and just live our lives? The HOW is what I am struggling with ... not the WHAT or the WHY.

I have been known to hold onto those fears, embracing them, no matter what my rational brain understood, driving my poor friend crazy until he finally stops debating it with me...which at that point, I slow down and THINK...

And usually, then I let them go...

Where I am right now. I am holding onto my fears, embracing them... regardless of what my rational brain is telling me. And I am probably driving you and others crazy ... LOL

But again, it goes back to, HOW do I let my fears go... How do I get myself to do this??

I think that it is a matter of control for ME... my fears are directly linked to my fear of NOT having control over the situation...

Denver,

Your fear of losing your W, is keeping you stuck...

Your fear of having to forgive her again, is keeping you stuck...

Your fear of being the Denver that you were beginning to become, is keeping you stuck...

Your fear that DB might not work, you may end up DIVORCED (yes I say the word, it doesn't scare me), and that will make you a failure, because you tried and didn't get your desired outcome, is keeping you stuck...

Your fear of being ALONE is keeping you stuck...

Worst case scenario...

You are already living it...

She left you. She had OM in her life. You were alone.

What happened to Denver?

You lived. You forgave. You loved.

You didn't die and you didn't fail.

Whether she comes back or not, you will go on. You will survive and you will succeed, if you choose...

Up to you now...

Are you up to the challenge?

Or is it time to throw in the towel?

Thank you Cat. That was well said.

1) Am I throwing in the towel on the idea of being happy again? No. I know that that will come in time regardless of what happens with my M.

2) Throwing in the towel on suffering through the fight indefinitely to save my M ... I don't know.

It just seems sometimes that 1 can happen sooner if I give up on 2. That is why I am stuck right now questioning myself ... is it worth it?

I have fought, struggled, felt pain, regret... I have crucified myself for the mistakes I made in my R/M with W ...

for almost 6 months I have done this.

Why?

Because I love my W, I love my family... because I know that I caused great damage to my M and to my W.... I felt that I owed it to my M, to my W, to my SS, and to MYSELF ... to go through this.

Now... W has seen what life with me could be like in the future. Yet, she is not ready ... she rejects that. And I continue to forego the hope of having what I want with someone else with the hope that she will be ready at some undetermined time in the future.

I KNOW what I want... I do want it with W ... but do I want to wait forever for her to want that with me?

I simply don't know.

Denver

My response to Cat quoted above left out a better definition for how I am feeling. I was just over on TrueGritter's thread and found something that he posted recently that describes how I am feeling to a 't'.

With apologies to Gritter for plagerizing, I am reposting his words here. (but you have told me before that it is okay if I do so Gritter )

What is lacking is peace.

That is it.

I understand all of what is happening with her and I know she is in much more pain than I will ever know or understand.

There is a lack of peace and fulfillment. You can do all you want for yourself and live your life the best way you can...

But there is still a lack.

A void.

And that is just sharing your life with someone.

That is the honest answer deep down.

This 'lack' is what I am feeling as well. And I wonder if the fight to save my M with W is worth the pain vs just getting on to truly living my life in full and trying to find someone who wants to share her life with me... so that that fulfillment which is 'lacking' in my life can be satisfied ...

IS THIS WORTH IT??

Denver