85 Days

[Denver_2010]

And am I the only one who saw hope in the words of the w? She didn't say "i don't want you". She said "I'M NOT READY YET"...

Yes, I see that 25. And it is the only thing keeping me going right now. But with OM still lurking to an unknown degree... questions of self respect surface within me. Prior to coming here to DB, I was NOT someone who would have ever considered forgiving an A. By learning that I played a role in that by my actions and words during my M/R with W, I was able to learn that I could, under these circumstances, forgive and move on from what had happened.

I use past tense "happened" ...

My fear, as Cat has pointed out, is keeping me stuck. My fear that my W will move closer to OM and possibly renew her A... That is my #1 FEAR.

Why?

Because I don't know if I can forgive the present tense "happening" ... not after the past 3 months of W having had the opportunity to see my changes and what I can offer to a reconciled M.

As Kaffe pointed out, it is easier to forgive an A that has already happened... not so easy to forgive one that is ongoing...

Now I don't know that W will renew her R with OM. I know that they have been 'keeping in touch' and the my W has unresolved feelings for OM that are keeping her stuck.

I agree that those need to be resolved. But NOT if they include a renewed PA. Not for me anyway.

That is my fear. Will it happen? My rational mind tells me 'no'. At least not in the near future. My W isn't someone who can have feelings for 2 people and give herself physically to 1. And I believe that she does have renewed strong feelings for me.

I could be wrong though... and THAT is the sinking, stabbing feeling that I am pretty much experiencing on an ongoing basis right now.

and I love her clarity. Denver, she's telling you that you are smothering her and the whole 24/7 thing means BACK OFF and she cannot be clearer than that.

Someone told me that she is giving me a blueprint on how to DB. I see this and have finally started to do it... but is the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life.

You know where the head goes, the heart will, eventually, follow.

I'm not sure what this means in the context of what is happening with my sitch right now 25. Can you clarify?

Keep your head on straight and man up with some dang discipline.[i] If things don't work out at least it won't be b/c you couldn't listen to her and back the heck off.

Discipline is what I have been lacking for the past few weeks. I have shown more in the past 48 hours. And my W has not contacted me. It hurts like hell and I don't know what it means.

BTW, don't fear her being free so much. When my h and I were sep I did date a bit. Enough to discover 2 things. 1) there were plenty of men out there I would enjoy knowing; and 2) my h was well suited for me. Good news all around actually.

She knows how to find you when the time comes, and if you're available, lucky her.

Which essentially means to drop the rope... to detach... to give this over to a higher power ... or 'whatever is meant to be shall be'

The Serenity Prayer.

Denver