I intend to live forever - so far, so good

[Onthemountaintop]

Hope the sleepover is going well (still...)

Despite going through U and more, I got a ADHD diagnosis when I was 29. There are many theories, but the long term research from NIMH has been very consistent about some trends despite popular belief.

- Food is only a contributing factor at best. Foods that help tend to be things that would help anyone/a whole family.
- There are some major gene groups involved, so 3 ADHD kids doesn't mean much...depending on which genes are 'active' in each child, upbringing (etc) they will act differently.

I guess I wanted to remind you of that, which you likely already know.

[ClingingToHope]

Rough night Saturday with girls and it led to what I hope is a permanent breakthrough.

D8's ADHD friend was getting on my nerves. D12 was kind of in a mood too and when she didn't like how I was refereeing their various fights she said "I want to go to mom's."

I stopped the car and said -- loudly -- that that won't work. My time is my time and I won't be blackmailed.

And things just didn't go well for several hours.

Eventually, I calmed down and I felt bad later and things were good on Sunday.

The sermon on Sunday was about anger and not dealing with it. That had me thinking. Then on Monday I looked up some old sermons online and began listening to one about "taking things from your basement (past hurts and disappointments) and putting it out to the curb."

My dad had anger issues. My mom had anger issues. STBXW has anger issues. I have anger issues. I have to stop the cycle and my anger comes from fear.

I am afraid I will end up alone.

I am afraid people will look at me as a failure.

I am afraid the girls will love STBXW more.

I am afraid others won't see me as a good parent.

Then I started wondering what exactly am I afraid of. I have been married. I have two wonderful daughters. They love me. If I lost my job I have friends I could stay with until I get back on my feet. If D8 is having a meltdown in a crowded store I have to focus on her and not what others might be thinking. Only D8 is important.

My goal really is to live a life without fear and anger. If I can do that I am richer than Bill Gates.

That was one epiphany. A second came last night. At my divorce class, they discussed sex and, for the most part, it wasn't all that interesting. There were no visuals.

But one thing was very interesting. This one study talked about five levels of intimacy and it showed wherever sex came into the equation, the intimacy never grew.

So if you hooked up really early when you were still getting to know each other then the relationship then becomes about the sex and the relationship never really grows.

STBXW and I hooked up after our fourth date and then we had a very physical relationship for the next year. When that died down we always struggled a lit bit. I realized after we split that there are lots of things I don't really know about her. There's lots of things she didn't feel like sharing.

I also realized that no one really knows much about STBXW -- unless she's shared it with someone else since. She always felt like she would lose a guy without sex so she'd give in within three months and then the guy would leave her.

That was her experience with guys before me.

I digress.

The sex thing was an eye-opening realization.

I have felt so much better about things the past couple of days.

Last night, STBXW was over with the girls because it's a hectic week with D12's play. And she was in the living room doing homework with D12. She was here 30 minutes and I didn't feel anger or bitterness. I have been afraid for so long that I was the reason for her unhappiness and that she would find someone else and I would fade away.

That's an irrational fear. We shared 15 years together and two daughters and lots of good times. I am the central part of her life and she is the central part of mine. That won't change.

I am sure I will be tested, but I really hope when the anger rises inside of me I will remember to ask "OK, what am I afraid of here."

OK. Time to get back to playing on the Wii with D8 and checking out the playoffs. Go Bulls.

[whatisis]

I am in complete agreement about the sex thing. In the past I've noticed this too, once you get into a sexual R it just takes over that R. It completely overshadows any other part of the R. That's why it's best to have a strong stable R before you start to play hide the sausage! I thought it was just me who thought that way, nice to hear I'm not alone.

[mishka422]

Those are some major breakthrough's CTH! GREAT JOB!!!!!!!!!!

[awest1217]

Glad you are doing better and great job being able to be in the same room with STBXW and not going mad with anger.

[ClingingToHope]

Sad morning. Signed the papers. STBXW had the day off yesterday and signed them first. I didn't know she was doing that.

I had hoped to get in there and get my name down before she did because it still hurt to see her signature.

Something threw me for a loop. My L's secretary said they needed to get a "prove-up" date with the court to enter the agreement.

She said either STBXW or I had to be present for it. I asked why? I have an attorney. I haven't had to be at any of the court dates. She said STBXW didn't have to be there because she waived her right to counsel.

I told her I had a goal of never actually stepping in court and I don't want to go. STBXW wanted the D, she should have to face the judge and hear the gavel.

I knew I'd be sad and perhaps I'm focusing too much on this. I called my aunt and a friend from church and asked them if I'm being petty by saying I won't go to court.

They both agreed that since STBXW wanted the divorce then she should have to be there when it is finished. This is what she wanted after all.

I am probably over thinking it. She's an ice queen. She hasn't shown any second thoughts over two years so she'll likely gladly take the time off from work to finalize it. Probably, she'll only be irritated that she is missing work.

I instructed my L to, when he sends her a letter about the final court hearing, to include that one of us has to be present and CTH does not want to be there and is requesting that she show up to finalize things.

I guess my justification is accountability. STBXW has never been accountable for her actions. I always had to step in and finish things. It happened again with the divorce. I just want her to have to face this.

There may be some anger and bitterness there and I'm trying to stop it, but I guess I want to have at least one small victory.

My goal on for the final hearing was to be as far from this town as possible.

[desert_rat]

Sad morning. Signed the papers. STBXW had the day off yesterday and signed them first. I didn't know she was doing that.

I had hoped to get in there and get my name down before she did because it still hurt to see her signature.

Something threw me for a loop. My L's secretary said they needed to get a "prove-up" date with the court to enter the agreement.

She said either STBXW or I had to be present for it. I asked why? I have an attorney. I haven't had to be at any of the court dates. She said STBXW didn't have to be there because she waived her right to counsel.

I told her I had a goal of never actually stepping in court and I don't want to go. STBXW wanted the D, she should have to face the judge and hear the gavel.

I knew I'd be sad and perhaps I'm focusing too much on this. I called my aunt and a friend from church and asked them if I'm being petty by saying I won't go to court.

They both agreed that since STBXW wanted the divorce then she should have to be there when it is finished. This is what she wanted after all.

I am probably over thinking it. She's an ice queen. She hasn't shown any second thoughts over two years so she'll likely gladly take the time off from work to finalize it. Probably, she'll only be irritated that she is missing work.

I instructed my L to, when he sends her a letter about the final court hearing, to include that one of us has to be present and CTH does not want to be there and is requesting that she show up to finalize things.

I guess my justification is accountability. STBXW has never been accountable for her actions. I always had to step in and finish things. It happened again with the divorce. I just want her to have to face this.

There may be some anger and bitterness there and I'm trying to stop it, but I guess I want to have at least one small victory.

My goal on for the final hearing was to be as far from this town as possible.

It's not worth it. Trying to force accountability, get one last victory... sounds a lot more like trying to have one last gasp of control.

You are still letting her control your thoughts and actions way too much, and then resenting her when she does. You are the one "Clinging" (thought you should have changed your username ages ago), and letting these things hurt you.

I'm not saying they don't hurt, not saying that you are wrong to feel that way. Just saying that dwelling on it makes it much worse. You have the power to change your focus.

[ClingingToHope]

Perhaps I am. I just don't get why I have to be the one in court. I hate this process and it really hasn't been that bad for me when I compare it to others.

The one time I had to go to court. I got all dressed up and sat in the waiting area. I remember STBXW came in and sat in another part of the room.

Before the case was called my L proposed a settlement hearing and we left.

I felt like such a loser and it goes back to the fact I care about my image. Even when the M was at its worst, the image to the world was the successful family man.

I don't want that feeling again.

[whatisis]

No, you didn't want the divorce but you do want this done so that you can get on with your life and your healing. It's not a matter of she wins and you lose, it's a matter of getting done what needs to be done. You don't have to like it but if it has to be done then do it and get it over with. Btw, you have no idea what she is going through just because she doesn't share it or show it to you. As you said on my thread, you never know what's going on in another persons head. Don't presume that you do. Her pain is her pain and yours is yours. If she can't or won't go to court then you go and get 'er done.

[ClingingToHope]

Yes. If she says no then I will ... and then I'll take off for the day.

There are things to get done. I hope to be preparing to get my master's degree by this time next year.

I want to turn the page, but I am a romantic and I have to pour it out on paper and then put it in the safe deposit box to be burned at some future date.