Won't stand for a broken family

[Timetotry]

I also forgot to say she has not met him. He wants no part of counseling. He thinks I have he issues and he is fine. He thinks he knows everything a counselor would say anyway, he has said. He has even said that he doesn't want to 'upset' my sessions. He has said it would 'jade' her opinion of me if he talked to her.

Wish he would go. D2 started going this week too. She agrees with IC findings so far actually, and she is only 16!

[25yearsmlc]

Of course his going to some counseling is probably a condition of a recon down the road, but your IC is a bit...over reaching if she's never met him and yet diagnosed him this way. For me, as a L and the w of an MD, --my h would NEVER diagnose a patient he had not met and examined....just seems to be careless.

I'm Sorry to say that b/c hey, if she's great for YOU then keep going - but he needs some other type of person I'm guessing. Why have the same one if you both need IC anyhow?

His little brother's death...your h must have carried some serious baggage around all these yeasr, almost like PTSD (and NOT narcissist or borderline personality disorder). What on earth did he do to get that label?

How was he as a father? Friend? Do you want to reconcile with him?

[Timetotry]

25, H was first hit pretty hard with his brother's death from head injuries. The police reassurred again and again it wasn't his fault. He slid on ice, car went over a hill and everyone in the car tumbled. When I met him and as years went on he would just keep it in. He'd say that he was so lucky to find me and then our children; we were his world. His mom is still upset about his brother's death 24 years later but knows it wasn't my H's fault. Also, another tidbit is that my H's natural dad was an alcoholic. I fell in love with someone who had a lot of baggage but he really was a victim in all of it. Dad is clean nfor 22 years now, Mom is married for the third time to a Child C(go figure). Sounds like a crazy family but really these people are not that bad.

H was and is still a great Father. Does not want to be the way his Dad was at all. Coaches kids sports activites, tries to do things with them, etc. He is a good friend too. Everyone likes him but many people will say that he is 'arrogant' or 'full of himself' but can be counted one. I felt he had great self-confidence but also knew the other side at time and that he shared his feelings with me when he'd doubt himself. Not very often, but did.

Do I want to reconcile? Absolutely! I would not be DB'ing if not. I am trying to give him space and he has done some serious damage to me and the kids but I still know that although the past 5-6 months haven't been good, and the time he had an A for a few months do not outweigh all of the wonderful times we had together. Sometimes I question though is it the 'idea' of a marriage or the actual person that I want? I challenge my thoughts in so that "worked so hard to have him finally be a partner and not have the pressure on me for income why don't I deserve the return that is a very comfortable life with no money worries"? Then I think, hey, got half of his income anyway for support that he gives me so its not really that. I want him mind, body and soul.

Nice to hear you say about the IC's opinion, I have thought the same and challenged her. She says she must have the 'empty chair' mentality and from the information I provide her, she says she can make a diagnosis. I do have my doubts though. I offer H to see any IC or MC, he just doesn't feel he needs anything and can figure everything out on his own. Yes, he is VERY stubborn! I stopped bringing it up though since I don't want to pressure him and he would have to want to go for it to work anyway.

So, I continue to be patient and pay attention to what works. I just wish I could speed up the process. Although he won't say he is trying, I think he is. Talking to me everyday now, making excuses to come over and hinting/flirting because no matter what he says he is "physically attracted to me, its just a mental thing he can't get past". I do not hold back sex, never did, never will; don't think that is right and we both always enjoyed it (and still do). More reason why I want to fight for the M. Too much good that outweighs the bad.

Thanks again for your insight, it truly means so much to me.

[25yearsmlc]

you'll get pressured by some not to have sex, but the DB coaches themselves say it's a personal matter for we, the LBSers to decide. Very personal. Sounds obvious but trust me, others will say not to, or to use protection (which might be sound advice). Thing is, the gf of mine who wanted me to stop sex was essentially advising me to punish h by witholding sex, and when I figured out that was her true motivation, I didn't listen to her anymore.

If you are comfortable with it, then accept that. (FWIW, I felt the same way. Maybe it h were sleeping around with several OWs or acting drugged out, I'd have felt different. But that wasn't the case. To each his own.)

One comment I heard that resonated was "no man ever went home to his wife for the great sex they NEVER had...." just sayin'...

If your h doesn't want to get c, (obviously to US, that means he has major fears b/c otherwise, why would he resist it so much? ) then I guess my question is, "well, does he NEED counselling to be your h again?

what are the conditions you'd set for him to return? Does he SAY he wants back in. or are his actions what you are seeing?

[Timetotry]

25, love the comment and completely agree! H is not sleeping around I have some out and asked so I am safe there. Don;t think he would lie about that now. I look at it from the same way, if its good and I don't mind, it will only make him think at some point why not come back when the sex is so good. On some level its creating a bond. As a matter of fact, just came back from D3 game now and he came into the laundry room wanting to attack me and says how good I look. He has the kids at his mom's tonight and says just to say when and he will be over. Even came over to kiss me for a few minutes on his way out after packing the kids in the car. Says he feels like he is 16 again around me.

Does he need counseling? I don't know if he has fears of C. I would think it would help since he said he has bottled up feelings for 16 years. Even if its for a few sessions, it would satisfy me. I look at it as if he wanted to come back, I'd ask him then to go but if he said no I'd have to figure out a way for us to discuss how we move forward without moderators. Why does he resist? He went after his brother died and said it was a waste of time. Then when he had the A and I found out, I said if we were going to try to work on the M we had to go. We went 7 times; I thought we both enjoyed it. When this bomb hit and I asked about C, he said that the C only seemed to help me and he thought it was a waste them. Not sure if I believe that since I can only believe 'half' of what he says.

He has not said he wants back in. He has said twice(its been a month since R came up) that he is scared to return thinking I will go back to old ways accusing him and he can't take that. He doesn't want to come back and let the kids down again. I have validated and said I would try my best and that I see things differently. I explained how I need quality time and he was not giving it to me which made me accuse him. He validated too. I believe I am seeing actions. Talking to me more, coming around more, asking me what I am doing on my night out, wanting to ML more, asking me if I am mad at him for no reason, etc. He has told D1 and D2 how we are communciating so much better and has said this doesn't mean we won't ever get back together.

So if I can't bring up the R talk, I am just in this waiting pattern in hopes he will. I do think it would be a 180 though for me to bring it up. I am one that keeps things in too, until time passes. Yet, since he left R talk may seem as if I am pursuing.

One point he just said has me confused. He said that I am doing all these things now that I am 'single'. I commented saying I am not single, I am M. He said 'ok legally only'. I didn't come back on it but I don't know what he meant by that. Its so hard to detach and not read into his thoughts in order to work on the M.

[25yearsmlc]

he's probably testing your changes...saying that you won't keep them up if you are M again, meaning m to HIM.

But let's not forget that HE has some #%$ to work on before he comes back in, correct? And weren't your fears or doubts of him, well founded? Maybe I'm confusing you with someone else...

[Timetotry]

Oh yes, you got the right sitch and he has some work to do. We need to air out some of my concerns about what may or may not have happened 6 months ago. I do think of the theory that guilt turns into anger; it would explain his actions. If there was someone else that means he would have done that twice to me; that would be a hard pill for me to swallow. I can't say what my decision owuld be then but my heart says I'd forgive him yet again.

I figured he is testing my changes too. Just hate the limbo thing.

In your opinion, would it be backsliding to bring up R as far as the IC saying we should be meeting twice a week to discuss issues before we detach too much? I don't want to do the wrong thing!

[25yearsmlc]

Sorry but I don't understand the 2x weekly R talks...so you can detach?

what??

[Timetotry]

IC says limbo can take too long for us. She is concerned that I am going through the grieving process and I will come out of it into acceptance but he will not have even started. She says he is avoiding his internal issues. She believes if I come into acceptance I will not want him back and that is generally when the WAH wants back.


Just had a 'text' conversation where this came up words were as follows:

H: In your mind I was nothing special.
M: Always been special to me. Shame you didn't see it that way.
H:Sorry, can't change that.
M:Yes, when one is willing. It's a level of trust.
H:Not sure when that could happen...sorry.
M:It can't happen overnight. It has to be built. Problem is it can't be built without spending time and talking. Wierd how that's what my therapist has been saying for 2 weeks not to tell you. Just didn't know how not am I looking for pressure, just stating what her opinion is.
H:Its' ok to say it and its not pressure but where we are right now is ok to me..sorry I am light years from next step. Not looking for feelings now. I know that is not what you want to hear but its where I am.
M:Where exactly is that in your mind?
H:We are at a place right not where we can coexsist. No fights, no dislike just an exploration point.
M: Exploration of what? Our feelings?
H: Yes, and into ourselves.
M: Ok well that's ok. Gotta be happy internally before externally. It's a foundation.
H: Right.

So from this I pull there was no D talk, he acknowledges the positive times and just wants more time to see if things 'stick'. But he still wants physical touch and family time without committment. I beleive then I have to continue doing what I am doing, seems to be working just at a slow pace. If he catches up, great, if not I will be ok. We are building the friendship that turns to romance that turns to committment.

At least this is what I am convincing myself is happening.

[calystra]

I think that sounded like a good conversation. Now don't push it.