Mission 25. I Really Mean it this time>

[ninelives]

As I mentioned to country, MUM is the word. I was out last night with some friends. IT was her week last week wtih the boys and she asked me if I could look after youngest son those two nights.

She asked me if I could look after youngest son until her shift ended yesterday as well. Till 7:30. I did and made a nice Mexican meal for them. She was supposed to pick youngest up at 730.

I left at 7:10 to go out for a poker night and left youngest son with oldest son for 35 min or so.

I get a text from her around 7:50

W: could you ask younget son to bike to my place? I am tired to pick him up. ( takes 3 min BTW)

M: IM sorry, Im out right now. I can call him and tell him to go to your house>

W: Oh, I was late getting home today from work.

(BTW; instant flashback for me on a few occasions she would call and say she would be late from work an hour or so, turns out she was going to her place and having sex with OM, entered mind briefly but I stop signed it out, small victory)

M: Ok I'll call him.

W: I can call him as well.

M: OK

( She texts me back a few minutes later)

W: Got a hold of hm , hes on his way to my place.

M: Ok


HOws that folks for keeping the communication down.

I will try very hard not to take their bait because making the same mistake over and over is Ridiculous. Im not a stupid man so I will walk away more often. Hopefully, there isnt a reason to engage in that again.

So last night my friends had too many drinks and we decided to go to the bar. You guessed it, the only bar in this one horse town and thats where OM works as DJ on weekend. I really havent seen him up close.

At first I declined to go to avoid an unpleasant scene and friends kept insisting that I cant avoid that place forever because HE works there.

ONe of my friends works on the oilfields in Alberta and is now in Pa in the States and he CANNOT BELIEVE that my w is with OM.

Well we go to bar and sure enough, he is working as DJ. My first real look at this guy and my stomach almost turns. The eptiome of a "bum" and not at all attractive.

I hang with my friends, have a few drinks and force myself to get by this because IF im ever to have a social drink, I have to get over this.

At the end of the night, he has to walk by my table. He is a coward and talks to the bouncer and then has him escort him passed me. I didnt look at him directly but my one friend , IMO, dramatically stands between him and me. He walks passed me and its over. I didnt say a thing.

BTW, I was talking to a 28 year old , cute blonde french teacher at the time. NO INCIDENT. Passed without saying a word.

I am through with DRAMA I hope. 25, I can see where you think that I am addicted to the drama and I wonder on some level if I am. ONe of my freinds begged me not to say ANYTHING to W when she picked him up the other day and i said I would not, then when she showed up , there was numbnits nine, outside talking to her.

Well I passed yesterday and last night and I will try and keep this short term goal for this week. Do not initiate or talk to W other than about children.

My friend from the fields was really drunk and asked me too many times; " Seriously, IS your wife crazy? What future does she think she has with that BuM? I grew up in this town and that entire family are bums?

I finally said, buddy, stop talking about my W okay. Its not helping. I know you are trying to help and I appreciate your support but really, enough about her okay.

He was cool after that.

NO 2x4s needed today country and 25, I hope you can put them back in the lumber yard.

9

[OnMyWay]

Nice post 9!!!

You keep that up and you'll have all your personal power back in no time. It feels good to be in control of yourself, doesn't it?

Sounds like you had a good time without any real drama. Keep it up and it will become you preferred way of life rather quickly.

28 yr. old cute blonde teacher, eh? Sounds good to me ;-) That's what I call GAL!!!

[25yearsmlc]

except for the part about you HAVING to go to a bar and drinking WHERE OM works, which is SO high risk at this point...but you did well.

But I'm shaking my head thinking, "9 must like playing Russian Roulette"...thank God the chamber was empty, this time...

[ninelives]

Nice analogy 25: Russian roulette indeed. I didnt look at him a lot but I did look at him maybe 5 times. Hard to imagine my W with him really but reality can be stranger than fiction.

Had no intentions of picking up but there was open flirting behaviour at times although at one point , blonde teacher aske if "everything was ok", I must have had a moment of intensity on my face. When i am deep in thought, my brow furrors and it looks like i am upset. Used to drive my W nuts.

Late night , early morning . I did get home around 4 a.m. Little night cap but nothing happened. Not willing to go down that path right now but okay with the flirting for now.

Didnt have much to drink and won a game of texas holdem so it was an ok night.

OMW: NOt sure if I have my power back but I think I'll be fine. It was a truly a test to see if I could be in the same room with OM and gage my level of IDK, sadness, anger. Not sure, but although there was an initial jolt, it faded as the night progressed and we were only there for about an hour.

This will get back to her , no doubt and I dont care how she reacts to this. Im really convinced that she will regret her decisions down the road.

BTW, before all this drama with her sister and the fishing incident.

She was on my side when I first told her about her sister's tirade.


I mentioned that her sister called me every name in the book and said I was lazy, useless etc..

Wife responded in text with/


W: Ive been doing a lot of thinking lately and I dont think you are lazy or useless.

(Then all the crap with her sister and my role in it etc,, and that nice senitment quickly went south)

Ive had NO contact with her today whatsoever and I think I will keep it that way.

Feeling okay today with episodes of missing her but the intensity is less.

Positive and forward, 25 style. I do wish that she moved to another town though. That would surly makes things easier.

9

[25yearsmlc]

realistically 9, don't you think if she moved, you'd say "hey, how can I show her all my changes?" I mean there's a downside to everything, AND AN UPSIDE...

so, keep on keeping on. And since he's such a "bum", be glad there too. Would you rather have him look like Brad Pitt, be earning high 6 figures and be everybody's best friend? (Um, I think not...)

This is about how he makes her feel, I assume.

So back to YOU and YOUR work...how's it going?

[ninelives]

The work is going OK, I have alot to keep me busy and ofcourse, keeping my household going. Im making a real effort to have the house look good, better than when she was here as she often compared our house to her dads who was retired and had all day to maintain. Add the great amounts of coaching that I did , my house was kept up but was not going to win awards.

There are pros and cons to everything. You know 25, Sometimes I wonder why I do want her back. I know I love her and have for a number of years however, if she felt so inferior to me before, I cant imagine her being able to forgive herself to carry on with our family. Just a passing thought.

You have become a celebrity on this site, much like Sandi. Everybody seeks out your advice and follows all your threads.
I hope that gives you some satisfaction and you contiue to help us poor schleps. I know you will be busy again with work soon as I think you made a reference to that.

I think I have learned a great deal, dont always follow it , but I have learned and want to contiue to help people even after my sitch either progresses back to M or we end in divorce.

I am really going to lay low for awhile and focus on my coaching soccer and keep trying to detach.

I hope to be happy and on the right tract. The forgiveness isnt there yet but at least I am open to the idea of it now whereas before, it was simply not going to happen.

I watched a play at our school the other day and the main character was an alcoholic. ONe line was truly good for me in my sitch and I think can apply to many.

Basic premise was that he had 2 wolves living inside him , one that was destructive and hung on to hate , regret and drove him to drink.

The other one was full of hope and forgiveness.

Both were in conflict and causing him to spin his wheels.

When asked " Which wolf is surviving?

HIs response, the one that I FEED.

Made me think. I am feeding that one of hate too much.

9

[25yearsmlc]

I'm familiar with that quote and you hit it on the head. When you come to realize that the forgiving sets YOU free, and has little to do with her, you'll be on your way.

Read up on Forgiveness. It's not something we all just know how to do. We confuse it with condoning or loss of self respect, and it's neither. Forgiveness/letting go is what allows us to unburden ourselves, and walk straight up & forward, without any baggage or chains.

[Denver_2010]

I watched a play at our school the other day and the main character was an alcoholic. ONe line was truly good for me in my sitch and I think can apply to many.

Basic premise was that he had 2 wolves living inside him , one that was destructive and hung on to hate , regret and drove him to drink.

The other one was full of hope and forgiveness.

Both were in conflict and causing him to spin his wheels.

When asked " Which wolf is surviving?

HIs response, the one that I FEED.

Made me think. I am feeding that one of hate too much.

9

Thanks for posting that 9. I needed that this weekend.

BITS
Denver

[ninelives]

Im going to give Church another go today and work on forgiveness from the spiritual side. I need more help than I have inside me I think. I hope I can make strides towards a spiritual connnection with God.

9

[ninelives]

Okay , just got back from Church. Felt good, got to go in with low expectaions and just let things happen. It was good to be around the positive energy that church provides.

Had a very nice talk with a woman whose children I taught and went through something similar to me. She told me that she is still trying to navigate this thing 5 years later and is Ok now but really, she didnt sound it. She says she cant forgive her husband for breaking up a strong family unit. That is the part she struggeles with and then later said that she can forgive.

I feel that she is waiting for him to get out of the fog but he is on medication which makes him " oUt of sorts"

We talked about her daughter and how she was hurt by it but puts hubby in his place. Then she told me how much I meant to her daughter as a teacher. Im not trying to sound egotistical but I hear that alot, even heard it later from another parent when I was at the grocery store. Makes me feel good, Like I am making a difference. That used to bother my Wife when parents stopped me and told me things like that. She mentioned that I should have put that type of effort into our family.

I can see how she would feel that way , but I dont think I neglected my family because I put everything into my school, I did coach alot however was still home by 5:30 ish.. I could have been home earlier and maybe helped with supper and the like.

I just thought I was being a dedicated teacher. I look at what I did with the family and it was as much as anybody. I coached both my sons on their teams, played with them, cooked some of the meals. IDK. COuld she be jealous of some of my success?

ONe thing I didt help enough with for sure was the laundry. Could have and should have helped way more with that.

Anyway, getting back to the Church thing, I lit a candle and took communion today in honour of forgiveness. I am trying to recognize that she was unhappy and frail and doesnt always make good decisions. I am not for ONE second condoning what she did , but Im trying to let go of the anger. That is all I can do and maybe it will help. It wont be a quick fix either, its going to take me a great deal of time to truly forgive and Im not sure If I can totally , but its a start.

9