Hi all, English is not my native language. I apologize in advance for possible misspelling/grammar mistakes.
My situation in short: My wife since almost five years told me in January that she wanted a divorce. During the past months I have done everything wrong, I’ve begged, pleaded , cried and given her flowers etc only to push her further away until she told me two weeks ago that she had had enough and will get the D. She also moved to a separate bedroom. During the whole time she told me several times that ‘I love you, but am not in love any more’ and we have actually had some good times at home when not arguing about our relationship.
After her ‘final’ decision to split up, I have done things more correctly. I came across the DB book and am currently doing the Last Resort Technique since about a week ago. I then told her that I accepted her decision and that I think she is right about it. I have tried to act as if I am relieved and have started to spend more time by myself and with friends. Her immediate response was that she was feeling glad for me that I was not unhappy anymore.
Things have changed in the sense that she is not feeling sick when she sees me anymore. From an outside perspective we probably look like a perfectly happy and normal family. We both spent much of the past weekend at home doing garden work and cooking together. I do my best trying to be as positive as possible and I have completely changed the behavior that used to annoy her. We do a lot of smalltalk and she asks questions about my day and my activities etc. I am very cautious not to suggest any common activities or talk about the future.
At this point, I don’t know what to believe. She is acting like she is perfectly happy and she is very friendly to me. I can’t help to believe that this is because she is relieved that I have finally agreed to the D and that we are not arguing anymore. After all, she is still sleeping in a separate bedroom and is not wearing her wedding ring anymore. On the other hand, she has not yet mentioned our separation. We both know that both of us want to stay in the house, so this is something that needs to be discussed. The other day, she also gave me a pretty nice gift for my birthday and even offered to make me a birthday cake! I can’t believe this. What is going on here? I should also mention that my wife doesn’t change her mind very easily. I know that she has given this a lot of thought and that she really sees D as the only possibility.
What should I do now? I am tempted to suggest that we go for some common activity with our kid (a three year old) next weekend, but it might be too early for this. Should I maybe even bring up the subject of separation and talk about which one of us is going to move out? This seems like speeding up the D, but maybe it is the right thing to do to surprise her? It would really be a 180.
I would be grateful for any advice in this situation.
Me: 33 W: 31
D: 3
T: 10 M: 5
OM: Probably Big bomb: Jan 16th 2011 Dbing since: May 4th 2011
Ok, a quick update. Yesterday she briefly mentioned to me that we need to talk about our separation. I agreed with her and tried not to show her how devastated I was. Feels like all hope is evaporating.
I can't believe my eyes right now. She is acting as if she is perfectly happy with her life and she probably is. She tells me that she is not angry with me and then keeps babbling about her job, which she really likes. I have also suspected for a long time that she is having an EA with a guy at her job, but she denies it. Arguing about this person is something that has pushed her further away from me and I have stopped asking questions about him.
My W is really stubborn and rarely changes her mind about anything. I am not having much hope for the moment, but will try to hang in there a little more. I am actually thinking about pretending that I have met another woman and start spending nights away from our house. This might spark some jealousy within her. Is this a good or bad idea?
Me: 33 W: 31
D: 3
T: 10 M: 5
OM: Probably Big bomb: Jan 16th 2011 Dbing since: May 4th 2011
It sounds like you are giving yourself the best chance possible. Keep up the good work from your side. As far as who should leave the house, it should be her. If she wants to break up the R then she needs to take the harder path. You should not go anywhere! I do not recommend going out and trying to make her jealous. It is disingenuous and will be too transparent. Instead, use your energy to go out and have fun either with friends or by yourself. Do it for you though, think of it as a reward for the hard work you are putting in. Will check back, posting from my phone. -SF
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
I was told the following many times and somewhat ignored it - If you feel in your gut that there ia OM of some type, there is. There always is and they always lie.
There is something mental that goes on in the WAS, as is explained when reading about PEAS. It is different from the heart of a woman (or man) who is forced to leave the MR due to some other means of separation (i.e. military). It is not a broken heart of love, but it's one that is filled with things that do not belong in a beloved's attidude. Coldness, selfishness, fantasizing, illogical, on & on we could go with those types of things. And, I've noticed that many WAW's want to change their status from M to S over-night and seem to think they can remain BBF with the LBH.
I remember a LBH saying that the WAW has been feeling or thinking this way for a particular time frame, whereas, the LBH doesn't have a clue about her intentions and is not given time to adjust to the bomb.
She will probably do a lot that will cause you shock, hurt, disappointment, and a host of emotions. Try to realize that she probably won't just wake up one day and it will all be back to normal. Your M can be saved! The work is long and stressful for both people in the M.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Many thanks for your replies. Any help is badly needed
Her main reasons for leaving me are that she thinks that I don't appreciate her for who she is and that she does not love me anymore. But she has given me tons of other reasons as well. She has mentioned all my negative traits and a lot more and is not able to see anything positive about our relationship. She is perfectly right about some things, but there are other problems that I don’t understand at all. For example, she tells me that I am not motivated enough at work and that I haven’t found the right job. Well, she is probably right about this and I would understand if my boss complained about it, but my wife! (?)
Some background info might be necessary. Our relationship started to deteriorate about two years ago (we started dating ten years ago). It’s hard to tell why this happened, but I think the main reason is me being depressed. I let my personal problems stand in the way for our relationship and it has all been about me and my problems. I have not been there for her when she needed support and I have been grumpy and complained a lot. I can understand if she believes that I don’t love her for who she is and I do take a lot of responsibility for what has happened. I am desperately motivated to change my behavior and I think I already have, but she tells me it’s ‘too little, too late’. One might say that I deserve this, but I seriously don’t think that anyone of us (including our daughter) would be happier if we separated. However, I’m not willing to take all the blame (although right now I do that if she asks me). She has contributed to the downward spiral that has been going on. The last six months before her big announcement were terrible. We argued a lot and lived completely separate lives under the same roof.
Right now she probably has a bad conscience for our daughter. One of her reasons for leaving me is that it’s bad for our girl to hear us arguing all the time (though I think we never argued THAT many times in front of her). Now I have proved to her for quite some time that we CAN live under the same roof without arguing and this means that separating for our child’s sake is no longer a valid reason.
When it comes to the OM, I started having suspicions about a year ago. The reasons were that she stopped talking about him. She talks a lot about her job and co-workers, but suddenly stopped talking about him although I knew they were good friends. After a while, things became more obvious. I found out a couple of times that she had been lying about her whereabouts and that she had actually spent time with him. He has obviously had a great influence on her. He is a very religious man and my W has started reading the bible and going to church regularly, which is something completely new. (She doesn’t seem to have learned about forgiveness and reconciliation yet). At one point she suddenly started watching birds, which she eventually admitted that he is also doing. I’ve also found out that they have given each other small presents (books, etc). She admits that he is a very close friend and that they have talked about our marital problems and that he has been a great support to her, but denies having an affair with him. I’m prepared to believe her in the sense that there has probably not been a physical affair. He is a married man and has two children and I guess he feels responsible and committed to his own family. I do understand that this is by no means a guarantee for anything and that they are very likely emotionally involved with each other. My suspicions made me act quite hostile to her at times and she says that she made up her mind about the divorce when I started rejecting her physically, which was something that really hurt her.
Me: 33 W: 31
D: 3
T: 10 M: 5
OM: Probably Big bomb: Jan 16th 2011 Dbing since: May 4th 2011
Many thanks for your replies. Any help is badly needed
Her main reasons for leaving me are that she thinks that I don't appreciate her for who she is and that she does not love me anymore. But she has given me tons of other reasons as well. She has mentioned all my negative traits and is not able to see anything positive about our relationship. She is perfectly right about some things, but there are other problems that I don’t understand at all. For example, she tells me that I am not motivated enough at work and that I haven’t found the right job. Well, she is probably right about this and I would understand if my boss complained about it, but my wife! (?)
Some background info might be necessary. Our relationship started to deteriorate about two years ago (we started dating ten years ago). It’s hard to tell why this happened, but I think the main reason is me being depressed. I let my personal problems stand in the way for our relationship and it has all been about me and my problems. I have not been there for her when she needed support and I have been grumpy and complained a lot. I can understand if she believes that I don’t love her for who she is and I do take a lot of responsibility for what has happened. I am desperately motivated to change my behavior and I think I already have, but she tells me it’s ‘too little, too late’. Maybe I deserve this, but I seriously don’t think that anyone of us (including our daughter) would be happier if we separated. However, I’m not willing to take all the blame (although right now I do that if she asks me). She has contributed to the downward spiral that has been going on. The last six months before her big announcement were terrible. We argued a lot and lived completely separate lives under the same roof.
Right now she probably has a bad conscience for our daughter. One of her reasons for leaving me is that it’s bad for our girl to hear us arguing all the time (though I think we never argued THAT many times in front of her). Now I have proved to her for quite some time that we CAN live under the same roof without arguing and this means that separating for our child’s sake is no longer a valid reason.
When it comes to the OM, I started having suspicions about a year ago. The reasons were that she stopped talking about him. She talks a lot about her job and co-workers, but suddenly stopped talking about him although I knew they were good friends. After a while, things became more obvious. I found out a couple of times that she had been lying about her whereabouts and that she had actually spent time with him. He has obviously had a great influence on her. He is a very religious man and my W has started reading the bible and going to church regularly, which is something completely new. (She doesn’t seem to have learned about forgiveness and reconciliation yet). At one point she suddenly started watching birds, which she eventually admitted that he is also doing. I’ve also found out that they have given each other small presents (books, etc). She admits that he is a very close friend and that they have talked about our marital problems and that he has been a great support to her, but denies having an affair with him. I’m prepared to believe her in the sense that there has probably not been a physical affair. He is a married man and has two children and I guess he feels responsible and committed to his own family. I do understand that this is by no means a guarantee for anything and that they are very likely emotionally involved with each other. My suspicions made me act quite hostile at times and she says that she made up her mind about the divorce when I started rejecting her physically, which was something that really hurt her.
Me: 33 W: 31
D: 3
T: 10 M: 5
OM: Probably Big bomb: Jan 16th 2011 Dbing since: May 4th 2011
