Sent H an email yesterday a.m. asking to talk about property settlement. Silence so far. Typical. Guess he'll figure out that I'm serious when he gets his copy of the petition. I wonder if he'll turn nasty like so many abusive men do? Seems likely, though I hope not.
Talked to my cousin today, whose XH is apparently hunting her for a confrontation. He makes my STBX look super-sane. My thoughts are with her, especially since she says she wants to be more like me and make him own his crazy. That scares me a little, because making people "own their crazy" doesn't make them less crazy. It really takes a certain kind of untouchable dignity. What is it about these men who won't accept that they've been given their walking papers? So much better to walk away with a shred of dignity and a life lesson than to show the world how petty one can be.
Anyway, putting things in perspective, found out that my sister is having a biopsy next week. My divorce looks relatively small in comparison to that. Word is getting out among my family about the D. Reactions are pretty much universally sad resignation and relief. Everyone loves STBX <b>and</b> no one thinks he's treated me right. Weird how he can do that -- make everyone love him, while he's treating me like dirt. I'm not going to bad mouth him around the family. It doesn't make things better for him or for me, besides everyone has noticed that he's left me alone out here for five years. Hard to miss that, so I suppose everyone will surmise the reasons. Heck, they'd come to their own conclusions no matter what I say.
Anyway, I've been mourning the loss of the last ten years today. I know that it's been my choice. I also realize I've been lied to consistently by someone who doesn't even realize he's lying and I know I wanted to believe him, even when I knew I shouldn't. I've been feeling bad for him that we have to go through this now, and that I'm the one causing him pain, but I have to remember how painful the marriage has been for me. I knew back in 2003 when he was divorcing me that there were things wrong with the M that weren't just me. Back then I think I was more focused on not failing at M then at getting to the root of the problem. I wanted to be stronger than the problem, but he just keeps escalating. LB's you may be focused on yourself right now, but if you ever get to reconciliation, please remember that your S has work to do to... don't let them off the hook the way I did. So I've wasted more of my life than I should have, and the dreams that I once had (mainly kids) are probably out of reach, but I don't have to live out the rest of my life resigned to feeling like a failure for not being able to fix something that is out of my control.
Better stay tough, because his silence just goes to show that he's not done fighting the D. God help me be my best self and find a way to love him while I force him out of my life.
Things I want for myself: 1) Peace of mind that I did my best, even if it wasn't always right. 2) The strength to let go with love and without bitterness. 3) To own my crazy, just mine.
