W called today around noon, she asked what i was up to and if i had plans for supper. I told her i did have plans and that i was going out with 2 buddies. I asked her why? If she was going to invite me out. She said she was going into town to buy mats to install a drop ceiling in a room of her house and figured she'd drop by my apt with pizza. I was kind of shocked. We ended up speaking for about 45 mins where she kept referring to her future but not mentioning me. Saying she realizes she cant afford to live in the house by herself and will always need a room mate, how her finances are tough alone, but without finishing this ceiling she is loosing too much heat and needs to fix it. i tried to be supportive and upbeat, but then i dropped some R talk, saying that i was hoping her the best and want her to be stress free so she can work on herself and then possibly us. She said she knows.. she knows how i feel. I told her that i am spending the weekend dog sitting for a friend as i would expect the same from them when i need someone to watch my dog (our former dog) and she said i can always ask her. I dont know if i want her to watch the dog, she left me, she left the dog.. i told her that i dont want to interfer with what she is trying to do, and that i dont blame her for anything, but it's been a long time and i am tired. I then told her i had to go and she said the same, i said to call me if she wanted to hang out another time as i cant today and she said she would.
I then thought of the convo and was angry at myself for bringing up any R, even if little. I'm just tired of being alone, besides a few friends and a dog.. i have nothing out here (family is all 10+ hrs away and dont understand). When she talks about her future, and had no hint of me, and talks about months or a year down the road i am discouraged... i loose hope and wonder if this is worth it or do i move on..
Maybe i just dont understand what she is going through herself and what she needs.. time to work on herself.. i dont know how much more time i have left to wait without seeing more improvements to OUR R.
