WAW, and a bisexual open marriage

[♪CS♪]

gb90, I got caught up on your sitch last night. It really is a complicated one, I am sorry you find yourself here.

You have gotten some really good advice already, I urge you to go back and read through some of it again. I know some things can sound tough, but the truth is, this IS tough. Don't take things personally, you can be sure everyone is trying to help.

First, I do NOT consider this an 'open' marriage. I don't have personal experience with it, but my understanding is an 'open' M means BOTH S's agree and BOTH S's want and open M. You clearly do NOT want this.

Your W's bi-sexuality might blur the lines, but I think in the end it, it doesn't really matter. She is asking/telling you she wants to have an A. This is really disturbing to me. I know it hurts, but you need to look at the reality of this situation. You need to ask yourself what YOUR boundaries are.

I only accepted because after reading DB and this forum I have come to realize that this is not a decision I can make for her. I know she herself has some serious misgivings about this arrangement, and I want her to fully make this decision for the sake of the marriage. I want to save the M hopefully close it someday

DB talks about validating, but IMO that does NOT mean validating a S's desire to have an A. Validating does NOT equal agreeing.

I hope you decide to come with me." She got quiet then asked if I had said that to spite her. (I didn't I swear). I replied "no I just want you to know that good times are coming and that I hope you can join me". She got quiet again

I want you to remember this ^^^. You said here that you were willing to go without her. That you will have a great time whether she goes or not. Look at her reaction to this.

I don't see the DBing in your behavior

I have to agree with this. What does DB'ing mean to you? What are your specific goals? What is your plan?

IN DR, MWD says the LRT is appropriate when your S has said they want a D, or/and are having an A.

I think based on your story, you should using the LRT, or at least something much closer to it. What I have read, you are NOT following this advice. To be brutally honest, not even close.

At this point I asked her: Do YOU want to spend time with me

This is just one example, but IMO you are still very much clinging to her, asking for time together, engaging in unproductive R talks and have your emotions fully attached to the words and actions of your W.

So, my advice is to back WAY off. Start living life for YOU. You show your W that you are a fun, confidence, independent, exciting guy. This comes from GAL and 180's. STOPPING any pursuing behavior, detaching emotionally from the R, and avoiding R talks.

Look again at your W's reaction when you talked about leaving without her. Now I am NOT saying you threaten leaving her, or anything of the sort, you simply SHOW her with ACTIONS that you can have a happy fulfilling life without her. The truth is YOU CAN!

where she just doesn't see me as an exciting and dynamic person.

Yep that's it. No skydiving, no scuba, dance lessons, or martial arts. Nothing cool or interesting is available here

The small town might make things more difficult, but to say you CANNOT do more exciting things because of it, IS an EXCUSE. Start NOW.

One thing to note here, DON'T do things for your W's benefit, they truly need to be for you. GAL means getting out and enjoying yourself. Combined with 180's it means pushing yourself to try new things. Being an exciting and dynamic person.

Now once I move!! Man that is going to be great!

See above, DON'T wait. The attitude of, "as soon as..." or "just wait until.." will keep you trapped. YOU decide. YOU chose. Remember, We do not see things as they are. We see them as WE are.

make yourself happy first.

YES!!!!

It's weird NMMNG wants me to take care of myself first but DB wants me to listen, validate and change where appropriate. I am trying to find that happy medium.

I don't see any conflict here. You DO need to take care of yourself first. No question. IMO, it really comes down to needing to do this to have the strength it takes to get through this. Take care of yourself first so you are a happy and confident guy. This will take EVERY bit of strength you have. Get yourself to a good place FIRST. I think someone said it before, its like in an airplane when they tell you to put your mask on first, before assisting a child. Same thing. You CANNOT save your M without first saving yourself.

Hope this helps.

I will follow up with a good set of rules that sandi posts. It is a great summary.

Like others have said, thank you for your service. We are all VERY grateful. I think your military training will come in handy here. Plus we can finally answer the question, what's worse, the Taliban or a WAW?