Keeping the Faith

[Sanderika]

Hi Cas,

My thoughts are that he is very confused, which still indicates MLC for sure. I DO believe he is nearing the end though.

He is obviously recognizing your support of him on many counts and is drawn to you for many reasons. I DO believe he is currently leaning towards home. How much longer will that take? We can't say.

One never offers an ultimatum to a MLCer. Sooo...please DO NOT do that.

What is happening in your situation is all positive to me.

One thing standing out to me is he is beginning to feel really bad about the pain he has caused to others because of his choices and actions. I particularly think he is feeling the worst about what this has done to you.

He isn't all stuffed up anymore...Your H is talking about himself and his deepest thoughts and feelings...this is really huge. He feels safe with you now to disclose this, my thoughts are he is absolutely comfortable with you, this is really good for him that you are able to listen and not get angry and defensive.

I am wondering:
If this awakening is going to be healing for you both and a reconcilement will follow...Will he be humble and be able to admit fault?

OR

Will it have the opposite affect where he will decide he can't return because of the destruction he has created...Will guilt, shame and fear continue to hold him tight?

I believe if you maintain your current level of support and offer up unconditional feelings towards him he will continue to be drawn back to you and your new relationship which is being reconstructed on the basis of a deep friendship and YES, undying love.

I once read that they have to be convinced 100% that it is safe to return (and then add more convincing for good measure on their part...this is MLC after all) before they make a permanent move of letting go of the OW/OP from their lives.

A big factor in the convincing is that you will maintain the "new" you and that life will not return to what it was when they left. We all know what life was like when they left!!

Another worry is that they do not want to be reminded of the "affair time and the OP" If they think for one minute that will be thrown in their face at every wrong turn, forget it...they will not even entertain the thought of a return.

Cas, your like the rest of us, impatient and wanting more of them...NOW!!

IMO, what you need to do is this....

Maintain your current level of kindness with him. You have been the person he has/is being drawn to now for a very long time...years. If you offer up ultimatums and shut him out until he decides what he wants, you will prove to him that nothing has changed (he'll think this way)...when in reality a great deal has changed.

I think about us when I say this. Here it's H who apparently was hurt by me...It's up to me to do the work to change things (which I have) and to maintain those changes, not to blow up the pretty balloons only burst them right before their eyes...Do you get my point? I hope so. It's all about their new found expectations and a place where they can feel accepted and comfortable again...

I know for a fact your H is not a happy man. He does not want to be "the bad guy" to anyone. This is a huge worry on his mind. He does not want to hurt anyone. Mine has expressed the very same.

They have huge regrets about two things...

Getting involved with another woman while still being married to us and in reality never wanting a divorce, wanting things to change in their marriages instead because they do love us and do not want to hurt us/families.

AND, not divorcing us right from the git go back when they were running so fast they were in flames and they hated us and their responsibilities and were positive the grass was greener on the other side of the fence, this way they didn't have to hurt her.

To me this is the confusion they face in simple terms. They wish the answer would just drop out of the sky. They wish they were not having to make a choice. I sometimes wonder what they would do if one of us, including the OW would make the choice for them.
I truly want mine to man-up and face it and make it, right or wrong it is his mess to fix either way he chooses.

(((((Hugs)))))

Sanderika