M exit strategy

[ninelives]

Hang in there Kaffe. You are on the right track and staying cool and calm. That is always the key. Wish I could take a page from your book.

Glad you are also enjoying the new tech. Seems petty but new thing in our sitch kind of help right now dont they.

All the best

9

[~ kd ~]

Thanks 9. Like I said in another post, I'm not sure you want to "distance" yourself in the same way I did. It wasn't pleasant. But it sure did create a physical boundary and reality that gives everything a new perspective.

And while I do have to watch my money. The wardrobe and new tech / toys that I have splurged on have felt good and fit well in the "new me" that I am working on.

Yesterday was a great day. All around pleasant. Picked up kids, went to a great (ouch, expensive) restaurant, it was obvious everyone enjoyed themselves. Got kids back to the house by about 9p and dropped FS16 off. I did want to spend a bit of extra time alone with D8 and D13 so we went for a quick ride and took some pics around the countryside with my new phone.

There was a point at around 3:30p when W called me about a "problem" with the kids. D13 had texted me earlier in the day asking if she could go to boxing for a bit before we went. I said "sure. np." It ends up, that was not W's plan as W did not have after school arrangements for D8. I should have thought about that.

It all worked out OK, but it did not have to be that way. The conversation with W was basically about how W and I need to be more communicative around the kids. I was terse to some degree. I was not about to take ownership of the mix up as W has been very clear about how I am not to interfere with her life and her household. I accepted my responsibility that when D13 calls to "change plans", I should double check with W. I just have to figure out how to do that and still maintain my own boundaries regarding the kids. It is simply an irrational feeling at many times, but I don't want W to think I'm asking permission for D13 to change plans. I will have to just refer to W about the proposed changes to see how it might affect D8. Business like. And if there's a problem, solve the problem.

The conversation did have a number of times when I put responsibility on W rather than assuming it myself. I pointed out how the past six months have been about W controlling my access and activities around the kids. How W's unwillingness to refer to me regarding the kids and their activities makes it difficult to ever know if I'm coming or going with them. I think it did sink in with W. She did, hesitantly but openly admit that she needs to communicate better around the kids, with me.

These are the baby steps that I know will lead to better and more access to the kids with me in the time before we get to mediation. Maintaining and increasing the boundaries and communication regarding the kids will establish a situation that should allow W to be more comfortable with my access and relationship with the kids.

Another step will come on Tuesday. As there is no school Monday, and W has suggested this, I will have the kids on Monday and keep them over night till Tuesday. I will then get them to school Tuesday morning from my place. It's an hour ride to their school, but we can do it. I did it as a youth when we lived in the country as the bus ride was almost an hour. It should not be much different than their normal morning routine currently is. Just that we need to leave at 8am, rather than 8:20am. Messing this up would be a step backwards. But doing this successfully will be a huge step forward. It could ultimately lead to the possibility of weekly access, rather than weekend and holiday only visits.

D8 is happy about this new arrangement. D13 thought about it for a bit, but wasn't terribly opposed to it but agreed to try. I simply let her know how it would not be much different than their "normal" morning right now. The only difference being leaving at 8am.

That is very cool. I'm looking forward to the weekend.

[~ kd ~]

Not sure if or when I might acknowledge W for the birthday wishes. I understand that I should acknowledge that well wishes, but in fairness it felt more like an obligatory statement by W because she was emailing me specifically about kids and my b-day. I might acknowledge that in passing one day, but for now our R is strictly business and not personal.

Sent the following email to W about dog and kids this weekend:

"You can let (dog) know that he is welcome to come to the lake this weekend.

I talked to the girls about your suggestion of having them with me Monday night and getting them to school Tuesday morning. They both said that they are OK with that. D13 had some concerns about the morning, but I explained to her that the morning would not be much different than a morning at home, as far as timing to get ready. Just the ride to school will be a little earlier.

So that sounds like a good plan and something to try out. I'll get them Saturday afternoon and will drop them off at school Tuesday morning. Will have to make sure they bring everything for school with them.

Where will I pick them up?

Oh, I also talked to FS16 about the lake. I let him know that he was always more than welcome to come out and hang there. I think he may take that offer up a few times this summer. I just let him know very clearly that he is not to be D13's personal taxi (for herself, nor for her friends). D13 needs to understand (as she has done this before in the past with both you and FS16) that when she is with me, I will make arrangements for picking her up and dropping her off.

Me"

[♪CS♪]

Sounds good to me man.

Good co-parenting will go a long way in showing your W the new you. Keep it up.

[~ kd ~]

Great night GALing...

Friends decided that I needed a "night on the town" so Thursday, I am told of the plan to go for supper on Friday night.

The night didn't quite turn out as planned (as planned by the planner, not me) because the planner got sick. Neither here nor there... Still a great night.

Had supper and ate WAY too much. Then modified plans (since the group was smaller than originally expected). Ended up at a lounge.

Well, I found "I've still got it". Lol... seems I caught the eye of a halfling. She was cute. I noticed her looking my way a few times and noticed as she started "preening" herself while glimpsing my way... lasted about half an hour or so... so sweet... Of course, did not act on it. Poor thing doesn't need my baggage and I'm certainly not about to be accused of robbing a cradle....

Anyhow, it's about enough of what I needed for the evening.

Of course, Friday the 13th kicked in as I blew a brand new tire on the way home. Kind of lucky, I suppose. Found out that a front coil broke and the broken coil rubbed the tire flat. Socks, really. But oh well. The donut will work for the time being as I make appointment to get problem fixed and get new tire.

I go to bed happy that the future isn't quite as grim as I thought it might be, had anyone asked me six months ago...

And I have my girls for the rest of the weekend, starting Sat aft. Yay!

[ninelives]

Right on Kaffe. The man's still got it. Nice control through out the evening.

Make that the constant road to recovery.

9

[Starsky309]

a "halfling," LOL ... I love it!!!

Good stuff, Kaffe.


Starsky

[~ kd ~]

So the rest of the weekend was mostly great with the kids. Picked them up Saturday afternoon. D13 decided to bring a couple friends out for Saturday and then an extra one for Sunday overnight. Busy, but good. Spent Sunday evening at friends with D13, D8 and D13's friends while getting coils fixed on car. Bonfire, BBQ, the whole deal. Everyone had fun.

Had a battle with D13 this morning as she decided she was not going to stay over tonight. This is a constant battle with her. Put my foot down. Explained to her that this will be a factor when we (and courts) make final decision on time she spends with me. Became quite the tear jerker. Ended well enough, but she still chose to go back to W's. Am keeping D8 with me for overnight, yet.

Will post "negative stuff" in another post right away. Do not want to convolute good "family" stuff with negative "custody" stuff.

[~ kd ~]

OK... The negative stuff...

I texted W this morning when D13 texted me that she was SURE she was going to back to W's today. I let W know that D13 was going to be there this aft. W texted back "???". I stated that D13 was "choosing with her feet" (a term coined to suggest she could decide where she would go, when she wanted; a term used around here by lawyers). Anyhow, W said she'd talk to D13 about this and told me not to get "freaked out" by this. I just told W that this is setting precedence for when we go to custody.

I left it alone after that. W had texted me a couple more things about it, but I'd already had my convo with D13.

At about the same time, W sent me an email. I cannot be sure that the email came before or after the texting. I only just saw it this evening when I got back and the time stamps are almost identical.

Anyhow, in the email, W indicates... well, I'll just post the email...

"Hey -

You forgot D8's backback for school - it was at the front door with all the other stuff .....

If you are bringing D13 and all her friends home today, you can grab it.

I would like to have the girls next weekend and you can have them the following weekend. You can have them every second weekend and if you want to see them during the week, let me know and we can figure something out."

Yes, I'm a little p'd at this, but not reactive. Just going to my head and trying to figure out my response. Just an FYI, when we had set the time for me to pick the kids up on Saturday, W had already left to go hang at enabling friend's (likely for the weekend). So W's comment about me making it clear that I don't want to talk to her... hmmm...

For those of you playing the home game, we had finally come to a "verbal" agreement that I would have 30% access (not my choice, but what W will "allow") and since my move, I would have the girls most weekends, but it would be "flexible" and things were relatively set for the time being.

Now this...? As I said, did it come before or after texts? Idk. I'm thinking after. It is not for me to figure out "why" this change. But this would take my access to 15%. Also, this is a change from last friday when W indicated that she would like to "split" this coming weekend with me. I still maintain she's being coached in this. She's mostly being "fair" (in her mind), then suddenly comes up with these "wrenches" for me... Like she's trying to prove some point that I'm not aware of... maybe she's saying, "See... don't doubt that I'm not still FULLY in CONTROL..."

I am looking for thoughts on how to respond to this. Remember, I now live about one hour away from W and the kid's school. Tomorrow morning is an "acid test" for me to make sure I can get the kids to school on time in the mornings. In my mind, this is to make sure I can. I have no doubt that W will be checking in to make sure I have done so.

Thoughts? I should respond soon as W will be making plans for the kids with this "demand" if she hasn't already.

[~ kd ~]

I had a lot of thoughts in my head regarding this.

I have simply responded to my W's email as follows:

"I don't know what changed. I thought that we had decided to split next weekend.

All I want is what's best for the kids. If you believe this will be best for the kids, then I will do whatever you ask.

I cannot do anything else.

Me".

However I will be judged here by my action or apparent inaction. The damage is done. I am very sad for my kids. I can make this high conflict and create even more turmoil for the kids. Or I can do everything I can to make this the least damaging for my kids. I cannot control her and any attempts to do so simply escalate the damage.

I can only be the best dad I can be for my kids and I will be that.