When life hands you lemons add alcohol and stir!

[mishka422]

I have been staying quiet and just absorbing and processing things but there have been so many triggers in the last couple of weeks that have been set off and I'm pretty stuck.

Gabe has been working at a restaurant evenings. He likes the job and the tips are pretty good. He has met some people there and one night last week he called me to tell me he would be late coming home because he was going to a farewell party for one of the guys at work. Late was 2:30am on a weeknight. I had to be up early for work the next morning but couldn't sleep. My mind immediately started replaying times he lied to me and told me he was going to a friend's after work or was working late but he was really going to the broom's house.

Tonight I told him I was going to a zumba party at a local restaurant and wouldn't be home until after midnight. He then told me he was going to a birthday party for one of the guys from work tonight and he probably would just stay there so he didn't have to drive home after having some drinks. Again....trigger. Again....what he used to tell me when he was really going to the broom's.

He knew I was upset when he told me this. He called me to tell me and I got quiet. He asked me if I was going to be mad and I told him no. I mean, seriously, what right do I have to be mad? I have no commitment from him, no promises, nothing. It's not my job to police him but that doesn't stop me from being upset by the situation. I can't talk to him about anything that involves my feelings or emotions at all and I'm feeling very shut down. I walk on eggshells all day, every day because I'm in constant fear that I'm going to say or do something that is going to make him angry and he'll run away.

Would that matter? In some ways I'd be better off. My emotions would calm down and I could exist in my little cocoon. On the other hand, Marc would be horribly upset by it and that is just not fair to him. Just because I'm miserable in so many ways doesn't mean I should open my big fat mouth and rip his dad out of his life.

There really is no good solution for this. I've made my bed, I allowed this situation, I allow him to treat me like this because somewhere deep inside I don't feel like I deserve anything better.

This all sounds horribly maudlin and whiny. I'm sorry. Just venting and hoping that will exorcise some demons.