I was honest with myself today and did a synopsis of where I am today: My wife left me 1 1/2 years ago. Almost 1 year ago told me she was never coming home. She is now dating OM and also involved with her boss and has admittted to having sex with him and going on vacation with him. Do I need a truck to run me over to get it? At times, her words and even some actions to me are confusing, but none of what I just said is. She is gone and has chosen a new life.
It's time for me to admit it and move forward. After 6 years here, I have finally reached a point of reluctant acceptance. I have done literally everything I can to save my family, and now I need to save me.
I am sure I will have moments of weakness where I still want to contact her, so I am making a promise to myself and to all other D'bers. I will not contact at all until her b'day on June 23rd and even then I will simply call to wish her a good birthday and wish her well. After that, right back to dark.
It's time to save BTM and forgive and forget about STBX. God, give me strength.
BTM,
I applaud the courage and acceptance of your decision. "Letting them go" (and, if so inclined as I am, "giving them over to God") does NOT mean "giving up." It means you love them unconditionally enough to truly want them to be happy, and to realize that you can't (and shouldn't) control them, and they have free will, and you have to work on YOURSELF now.
On the bolded part above, you may want to consider an "accountability partner" for those moments when you're feeling weak and wanting to break NC. It's worked really well for others, and had a DRAMATIC, life-altering turnaround for another poster here recently who chose one.
Just a thought. Again, best of luck to you as you walk down the path of your life. Who knows, your wife just may join you again somewhere down the path, either before or even after a divorce. It does happen, and more often than you think. But for right now, this is her journey, and it's time to live yours.
Thanks Kaffe. It amazes me that people here, whom I have never met, care more than the woman I married.
I have considered filing, but for financial reasons and for my kids, it's best that I stay with the original plan to do so next July. Once I have fully moved on in my mind, the rest is just paperwork, and a physical move.
As for dating, after 23 years (more than half my life)with one person, it will be odd. When it comes to intimacy, so many of my male friends say the things you would expect. I am just not there yet. 23 years of being faithful to one person and I still have no desire to be with someone new. It actually sickens me to think of STBX being with her Boss - especially because I fought him for her for 8 years. The thought of him enjoying his prize, is almost too much for me to handle. That is why I am glad to be at this point, of moving forward. Anything else was going to kill me in one way or another.
NONE of us choose this BTM. We all want our families back or we wouldnt be here. MUST play the cards you are dealt or you will be lost in the shuffle. Be happy man. Start getting there today.
9
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
As I start day 2 of acceptance and moving on, I actually feel fairly calm inside. Even though I have quit tryint to save my STBX and my marriage, I will still be here. After 6 years, I would miss the support from so many awesome people.
I was honest with myself today and did a synopsis of where I am today: My wife left me 1 1/2 years ago. Almost 1 year ago told me she was never coming home. She is now dating OM and also involved with her boss and has admittted to having sex with him and going on vacation with him. Do I need a truck to run me over to get it? At times, her words and even some actions to me are confusing, but none of what I just said is. She is gone and has chosen a new life.
It's time for me to admit it and move forward. After 6 years here, I have finally reached a point of reluctant acceptance. I have done literally everything I can to save my family, and now I need to save me.
I am sure I will have moments of weakness where I still want to contact her, so I am making a promise to myself and to all other D'bers. I will not contact at all until her b'day on June 23rd and even then I will simply call to wish her a good birthday and wish her well. After that, right back to dark.
It's time to save BTM and forgive and forget about STBX. God, give me strength.
BTM,
I applaud the courage and acceptance of your decision. "Letting them go" (and, if so inclined as I am, "giving them over to God") does NOT mean "giving up." It means you love them unconditionally enough to truly want them to be happy, and to realize that you can't (and shouldn't) control them, and they have free will, and you have to work on YOURSELF now.
On the bolded part above, you may want to consider an "accountability partner" for those moments when you're feeling weak and wanting to break NC. It's worked really well for others, and had a DRAMATIC, life-altering turnaround for another poster here recently who chose one.
Just a thought. Again, best of luck to you as you walk down the path of your life. Who knows, your wife just may join you again somewhere down the path, either before or even after a divorce. It does happen, and more often than you think. But for right now, this is her journey, and it's time to live yours.
Starsky
Starksy: I missed your post yesterday. I do have someone that can be my accountabilty partner and I will ask him to do that for me today.
In many ways, I have actually given up and/or given in. I can't fight anymore. The reward no longer justifies that fight. STBX just isn't the woman she used to be or at least, I thought she was.
As for wanting her to be happy, I have to admit that I really don't at this point. I want her too see how wrong she is and has been and she likely needs to fall and fail to do so. Being objective as possible, I don't think she is happy at all right now and may never be. She has simply accepted life as it is and will continue to live one day at a time.
She is free now and I am free of the stress of trying to save us. I never thought I would give up until the day I signed divorce documents, but in an odd way, I am proud that it didn't take me until then. Sometimes it's ok to just quit!
As for wanting her to be happy, I have to admit that I really don't at this point.
Of course, that's OK. That's an emotion that you'll work through.
I recently was reminded that the opposite of love is NOT hate, it is apathy. I don't think that any of us will be at that point (apathy / indifference) for a long time, if we end up in D.
Let out the negative emotions now, while you are in a safe place to do so and not feeling the need to have contact with W. Just don't share those feelings with your W...
Originally Posted By: BeTheMan
...in an odd way, I am proud that it didn't take me until then. Sometimes it's ok to just quit!
See it and say it how you need to, in order to move forward with your life and GAL. I'd say, "stop! step off the road most traveled! smell the roses!"
I understand why you want to quit. It's been a LONG HARD ROAD...but as for hoping she "wakes up" and "Gets it"...you will wait a long time.
Even if she did, she'd never tell you. And she won't in all likelihood. I've seen ONE person wake up and get it, and tell the LBSer and it was a month before the LBSer's wedding to her OM...(her h had left her and filed for div 3 years earlier, saw her getting m and THEN said "oops" but he didn't necessarily want back in, just wanted her to know he'd screwed up. She said she'd never go back to her ex h b/c 'now she knows what it's like to be the priority in a man's life"...and she's happier now than she ever could have been WITH her first h.
But your happiness is NOT dependent on her misery. If you are waiting for her to "get it" you are essentially connecting two unrelated things.
Your happiness is within your control and once you really take ownership of that, whatever the heck she's doing won't matter. Who cares if she never gets it? If you find another w who gets you, then you are happier!
If you truly become the best man you can become, and GAL, then you are happier! She can be in the Austrailian outback or Mars. She is irrelevant to your happiness. She may never wake up or believe you were a great catch or your changes would never have happened if she had not left, etc. You are in charge of your life. Not her.[b] Don't spend your energy wanting to be vindicated or proven "right". What matters is the happiness you create for YOU & yours.[/b]
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I agree with all that 23years - and I am learning to be happy regardless of what she does, unless it actually affects my kids or me in some way. I won't focus on her "getting it" but right now it's something I still want to happen, before she completely destroys her life since that will really upset my kids, especially S17.
It's been almost 23 years since we met and only a couple days since I threw in the towel. I'm sure with time, my need for anything from her will fade. Right now, though...well....I suppose I actually kinda want karma to bit her right in the unfaithful butt! Just a big enough bite to feel it, but not to hurt forever.
a sign of you being detached, will be when her life's activities and happiness matter NOT to you, other than the generic reality that she's the mother of your children.
It's a very freeing experience when you realize all that matters to you are the choices YOU make.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
