ISO WAW Decoder

[25yearsmlc]

I am not a victim... I realize now I created this outcome. I had hoped she was more willing to ride out the storm though. Then again this occurring is the only way some of my changes came to be. Provided we reconcile someday, I'd easily say this was the best thing that could have happened to our marriage. I will admit now my mistakes were major.

By scorecard you mean keeping track of what she did wrong vs what I did? Blaming her? You suggest just dropping it? What's an appropriate way to deal with that feeling?

Yes it is important you see your role in this, so that there's MORE HOPE for your future. If you saw nothing wrong in how you were, and she still left, you'd be justifiably terrified. The great news is you have 180s to do and GAL to do, etc. That will make you into a better man. That's good! (FYI, at one point I gave my m a 10% chance of success...things can be very dark but you never know).

YES I mean drop the scorecard and I mean the marital history in which we each list what we think the other did wrong. It never matches their view (they have their own scorecard and they are way ahead on theirs!!)

It just reinforces our own stubborn ways. Does us no good. What matters is this day forward, etc.

You seem to be asking me if you should "just drop it" as if that seems wrong to you. That comes from your "victim" mentality. I know you are hurt and reeling. You see things now a bit differently but the things I said to you about your role are still so new to you that they have not sunk in. So you still feel like the "aggrieved party". And so you think that holding onto your scorecard, does...exactly....what.... for YOU?

See, scorecards are symbols of NOT forgiving, of holding onto our pain, And they keep you stuck. Forgiveness is not about HER. It's about YOU. It's about setting YOU FREE of your pain. I heard that "holding onto anger at someone b/c you think they deserve it, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes."
I can't stress this enough. I used to write long letters to h, some of which I did not send. But in them, I ended up counting all his "sins" and wrongs over the years, and I always always came out FAR ahead on my measuring tool. It just did ME no good. It made me so angry that I ended up learning nothing about h or his point of view. I just defended myself...to ME...useless, counter productive, etc.

You will have to do some major work on this issue or you will NOT heal fast and you will become a bItter man, not a bEtter man...We get what we attract. And when you contemplate her with OMs don't assume they're having a ball all the time, GREAT Sex and lots of it and NO FLAWS in OM and NO problems at all...it's not realistic. You guys had some good times. Good memories. There are songs and places that will remind her of those good times. Those will resurface in time, if you get out of the way.

FYi--yes your m may end soon...That's a drag and I wish your L could slow it down. But so you know, 2 family members of mine divorced and remarried their exes, years later. The 2nd time around was better. It happens. They each began with a div that wasn't filled with rancor or revenge. So, lose those feelings asap. When you are honest and forgiving of yourself (b/c if you wont' forgive yourself then you probably won't really look at your own behavior) you'll see that you played a bigger role in this that you previously realized and so, you'll be able to cut her more slack. And in time, she'll do the same with you. IN TIME...you see, she'll see her own role in a more realistic light as she learns FROM YOU, that it's okay to see things realistically and that we are not all proud of what we have done...you'll show her by forgiving her that she can do the same for you. IN TIME. Right now she's busy justifying herself so you have to be vilified. Don't fuel those negative images.

Here's what my DB coach told me and see what parts help, discard what doesn't.

1) Lose the anger in front of her (and kids). (If this requires prayer or meditation, do it). It is crucial that you are NOT angry at her. If she treats you rudely, use your feet and walk away or hang up. No fighting.

2) Applaud loudly for the 1% of positives she does. (YEAH, I KNOW that's hard...like Mother Teresa hard...) That means positive affirmations, compliments, etc.

3) Keep the Road Home, Paved and Smooth (don't make it harder than it already would be for her to come home. Don't issue ultimatums unless you WILL live by them without regret.) No punishing. She's dealing with inner pain anyhow. No way is she "scott free" in her heart. But YOU telling her she's wrong, is not going to advance your cause.

4) Lose the scorecard, and historical focus, stay focussed on now and tomorrow.

5) Counter her negative images with postives (180s) and do NOT FUEL her negatives...(IF she said you were messy, be neat. If she said you dressed from the 80's, get an updated wardrobe, etc) Undermine her negatives.

6)* MY own addition--learn about what Forgiveness looks like. AND Begin to do it.


I didn't see it growing up. My parents yelled and my dad got louder AND LOUDER and then they retreated. Never saw an apology until my dad was on his deathbed, filled with regrets...I read some Marianne Williamson's books on that and she had exercises for forgiveness that helped me.

7) Imagine your HAPPY life with your w in the future and how you'd do things differently. Then imagine your HAPPY life WITHOUT your w in the future. What does that look like? What in that picture can you begin to create now? It's the GAL things and some of those GAL things need to intro new people in your life. Not all solitary.

You can tell your children you will "always love their mom" and if they ask about the divorce, your job is to remind them of what will remain the same in their lives. Same schools?? Same friends?? Etc. Somehow you must reassure them that they are fine, not at fault and that no matter what happens, you'd do it all over again if this was the only way to have them in your life.

(That info was helpful to MY kids at least. I meant it too. Your kids will at some level feel they were part of the problem and there's truth to it in a sad way. Avoid letting them go there, ok? Have you been bad mouthing their mom? I will assume so. You can feel free to say that you've "been thinking abou that" and you were wrong to say it. You are now "working on" letting go of being angry b/c you were feeling hurt but that's not their problem. Then steer the topic back to fun stuff. This way they'll know you are not going to use them to take sides or blame her.

Blaming her does not get her back. And it doesn't make you look good. But admitting you both made mistakes, both loved each other and now you both love THEM, and are committed to doing right by them, will be your standard response. Does NOT matter if she says she does not love you. Irrelevant.

Your mantra or approach to her and her choices now is, one of regrettable resignation...meaning, you think that she's making a huge mistake but you accept it. You "respect" that it's her choice. Since you know you are working on youj, you're going to be a great catch. Too bad she won't benefit...(you never SAY this, you radiate it)
It's as if she's ordering food that she insists on ordering, even though we both know it'll make her sick...later....

She's an adult, she had reasons to leave, (which are no longer applicable b/c you are addressing them-but we both know it takes time for her to believe those changes are real). Now, she's off to find that the grass is greener where it gets the most water...You are living a life you are going to be proud of, and your children will benefit from the model you provide to them. It's not the worst thing in the world. And yes, it could lead to a great M. Hopefully WITH HER...

You were hurt and reacted in pain. Now you won't. The kids will see the good sides and btw, they need a lot of reassurance from you that they are not the problem...

Remember too, being the best dad you can be now, is crucial on all fronts.

Make sense?