She made a negative comment about me talking to the grocery manager when the manager interrupted our conversation.
W: Do you have to be everybodies best friend? I was talking to you and then you are in a conversation with the grocery manager, I just hello, how are you and that was it.
M: I just had a 20 sec convo with her and then you walked away from me. She interrupted us, i wanted to talk to you some more but you were walking away.
W: Im so sick of you being this gregarious guy that everybody talks to. Its always been that way.
M: It was 20 seconds, thats all.
W: whatever, I dont care anymore.
This has been a prolem that I only recently saw. I do like to talk and joke with people. I like to think I brighten some people's days. I dont see how that is wrong.
I suppose I could have ignored the lady or just said hello. IDK what will set her off anymore and Im starting to really not care.
Her and her sister are just strange that way and have always been paranoid around people.
PLEASE LET ME DETACH. PLease God , give me the strength to just see her as my former wife and nothing more.
This isn't going to work our relationship. ITs just too volatile all the time. Especially with the dynamic of her family that is dysfunctional at best and always have been and always involved in our affairs.
9
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
ONE last thing. MY son was not in the van when we were talking.
I thought he was in the house but he was in my new car. He just loves it in there so we DID NOT have this conversation in front of him.
Just wanted to calrify.
9
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
Okay, now think about this. What if that had been a different woman you were talking to before the manager interrupted? How could you respond to a single, attractive lady (in a sexy, flirty, teasing way), who complained you turned your attention toward the female manager when she had your attention first?
She is so possessive of you that she can't be still. Take a little of advantage of that and have some fun with it. The answers you gave were that of an old M man who was used to giving "explainations" for his actions. Remember, you don't have to do that any longer.
BTW, did you ever have a pet name for W?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
9, you're doing SO much better keeping your emotions in check, for that, I applaud you.
But, I just can't leave without one good swing, I just enjoy it too much!
Quote:
I am getting much better and even was taking a new approach to you. I was being nicer and you saw that. But I dont know if I want you texting me anymore if every third one is going to be nasty based on your perception.
M: Okay then , lets go back to just quick responses to the kids only, YOU LIVE YOur life and I will live mine, PEriod
You need to cut all this crap out. The first line about taking a new approach, just sounds like a ploy. I don’t think you should be telling her any of this, you simply act for you, the way you want to.
Then you set the rules for the future, again, this is for you to decide and then act upon. Not something to be told to your W. All IMVHO of course.
I would suggest not engaging her at all when she gets nasty. If she continues and asks why you are ignoring her, simply tell her you have no interest in this type of discuss.
We are suggested to be polite and upbeat with our WAS. It is also VERY important to know when to KEEP OUR MOUTH SHUT.
Too many words can only hurt IMO.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
9, you're doing SO much better keeping your emotions in check, for that, I applaud you.
But, I just can't leave without one good swing, I just enjoy it too much!
Quote:
I am getting much better and even was taking a new approach to you. I was being nicer and you saw that. But I dont know if I want you texting me anymore if every third one is going to be nasty based on your perception.
M: Okay then , lets go back to just quick responses to the kids only, YOU LIVE YOur life and I will live mine, PEriod
You need to cut all this crap out. The first line about taking a new approach, just sounds like a ploy. I don’t think you should be telling her any of this, you simply act for you, the way you want to.
Then you set the rules for the future, again, this is for you to decide and then act upon. Not something to be told to your W. All IMVHO of course.
I would suggest not engaging her at all when she gets nasty. If she continues and asks why you are ignoring her, simply tell her you have no interest in this type of discuss.
We are suggested to be polite and upbeat with our WAS. It is also VERY important to know when to KEEP OUR MOUTH SHUT.
Too many words can only hurt IMO.
I agree with Country on this 9. Shut the h*ll up. W and her SIL obviously are baiting you for the purpose of making you look like the bad guy an thereby justifying their actions for themselves. The SIL, especially if she doesn't like you, will continue this until you are completely out of the picture. As long as you can be goaded into this position by her, you're gonna loose. I'd recommend some jujitsu moves here, whereby you use the opponent's power against them. If you can maintain your sanity and not let them push your buttons by agreeing with everything she says, you take away her power. Plus, the advantage of this is it will drive her crazy knowing she can't get to you anymore. Hopefully, she'll just give up and go away.
I find it interesting how much your W is involved with "taking you down." She obviously still cares very much. If she didn't she might just tell the SIL to shut up as she doesn't want to hear about it anymore and move on. However, she is still very much involved. I think you are right in wishing for further detachment. The more you detach, the less power she has. You can tell how you are doing by gauging it against how angry she gets as she looses her control. If she gets worse, you're doing well.
"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." - Maria Robinson
M: 45 WAW: 36 T: 17 M: 14 Kids: D9 ILYBNILWY: 6/2010 W left: 2/2011 W back: 2/2012
Dear Lord, please help 9 keep his mouth shut. Please teach him to use his feet more (to walk away) and his mouth much less...
No other way to say it. I could go line by line of how many times you could and should have ended the conversation but what's the point? Do you have any idea how crazy it is that your w ADMITS that she "got mad again" at you, b/c of what SHE did, and what her SIL said and blah blah blah OMG, WHO CARES? IT'S OVER AND YOU AREN'T GOING TO TALK ABOUT IT AGAIN...if you want someone to drop a topic, YOU have to drop it too. You set the example. You say "I'm not going to apologize again or discuss it again b/c someone else won't let go of it" then you drop it. You show her what that looks like. She knows her family is weird and needs you to represent a saner approach to life. But you get into it with them so you are a part of the whole weird life style. As for the whole inlaw insanity-- Oh the drama of it all....
At some level you like this, or are addicted to it, or simply don't have any role models for ways of communicating and activities to show you another way of living. Their way of living is not healthy. It's dysfuntional and destructive. Period.
This is crazy stuff. DETACH...her complaint about you being gregarious is so odd and out of line, I would have laughed in her face. "Sorry I'm friendly. Put that on my list of flaws..." good grief, why are you inviting such commentary? Oh, you're not. You're just listening to it and then engaging. Don't. Just don't. This isn't complicated 9. It's simple.Not easy, but not complicated.
You engage far too much, you read into everything and your w is soooo NOT indifferent to you. That would be a sign that it's over.
On the contrary, She's into the dynamics of your r, and the fighting and she has a crazy family, and you need to not be part of that. Just stop it. Seriously. Stop it. Get a grip. [b]Set out simple "rules of engagement" for yourself, and follow them. These are NOT for you to share with her, but to model for her. When she abuses you, you leave. CALMLY...and Why are you telling her about how nice you were being, and what new approach you were taking??? It sounds tactical and false.
Just DO it, don't talk about it. BE it, BE detached instead of talking about how you will only be talking about the boys and blah blah blah.....all talk and no walk....and I mean a lot of talk... You must stop that. [/b] She and her family are just crazy "Swirling Vortex's Of Negativity" (SVONs)...they suck you in and you let them. What do you think it will take before you can back off & be by yourself and calm, and not get sucked into their SVON?? [color:#CC0000]What do you need to know, or have us tell you, before you can manage your own behavior? Hasn't the inability to manage it, cost you enough already? [/colo
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
the calmer you are, the stronger AND SANER, you look.
I'm betting she would like a refuge from the constant storms of her family, (& the storms she creates). Be that refuge.
And btw, why do you do your GAL things on the nights you have the boys? Can you see why that bothers your w?
I am not suggesting you go over her "grievance list" or validate that, b/c she's out of line with that and you cannot engage like that anymore.
You are not "inviting" negative feedback from her or anyone else and you should not take it. She had a point but the way she delivered it was intolerable so anything that might have been valid gets ignored. Why? B/C she doesn't know how to lovingly or calmly deliver any messages. She only gives out complaints and insults and she's reinforced with that b/c you listen to it and so, that's all she knows.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
At some level you like this, or are addicted to it, or simply don't have any role models for ways of communicating and activities to show you another way of living. Their way of living is not healthy. It's dysfuntional and destructive. Period.
This is crazy stuff. DETACH...her complaint about you being gregarious is so odd and out of line, I would have laughed in her face. "Sorry I'm friendly. Put that on my list of flaws..." good grief, why are you inviting such commentary? Oh, you're not. You're just listening to it and then engaging. Don't. Just don't. This isn't complicated 9. It's simple.Not easy, but not complicated.
You engage far too much, you read into everything and your w is soooo NOT indifferent to you. That would be a sign that it's over.
.....read this again and again......
Then ask yourself, if that is who you really want to be.
25---good to see your wisdom and insight around here, it had been missed..
If you are traveling to the Alma-Mater-give me a holla.
