Can I close the door and leave it unlocked?

[islander]

Believe it or not 9, I am actually doing a lot better lately. I haven't let SD or W know anything that bothers me. And the point about the play is that my SD is very lost and hurting at 9 years old...imagine what she will be dealing with in maybe 3 years if she continues on this same path. Very possibly a life could be destroyed. But there is nothing that I can do about it, it is out of my hands. I am doing what I need to do for me right now. I am there for my SD as much as I can, but I am almost not even in a position to correct her behavior anymore. And really, my SD behavior is o ly a symptom of a much larger problem, the problems that my W has.

[jbnati]

And the point about the play is that my SD is very lost and hurting at 9 years old...imagine what she will be dealing with in maybe 3 years if she continues on this same path. Very possibly a life could be destroyed.

Yes, it's absolutely not fair for our kids. It's frustrating for a lot of us LBSs because we NEVER wanted this for our kids, or at least I didn't. Just show her your strength and be there for her.

[~ kd ~]

Islander, I'm curious why you never adopted your SD9. My D13 was 3 when we married and her biodad was pretty much out of the picture. It felt right to adopt and it was my commitment to her when I M her mom.

No big deal, just wondering.

I do mention it because you're concern that SD9 put OMs name on her book. I could not imagine that my D13 nor my D9 would put the name of an OM (or OW for that matter) on their books. I could imagine how horrible that might feel.

I'm very confident that regardless of any relationship my Ds strike up with any OM in my W's life, that I will always be their dad. That "loyalty" will always be there.

I did talk to my D13 many months ago about what I felt was a concern that she was emotionally distancing herself from me. As I've mentioned before, there's quite a co-dependency between her and W so often what W felt about me, it transfered to D13. I am noticing that as time goes by, that is becoming less and less apparent.


Anyhow, what I'm saying is that I talked to D13 and let her know that I was feeling sad that she might be thinking I would abandon her. That I would NEVER abandon her and WILL ALWAYS be there for her... be her dad... I then followed those words up with action. I kicked it up a HUGE notch to be the dad that I had not been. To be MORE of a dad to her, than ever before.

That really seemed to make a huge difference for her and our relationship is 20x better because of it, IMO.

Now I know that affected D8, so I've been doing my best to follow that up with her. The abandon conversation did not have to happen, I simply do everything I can to show her and be with her as often as possible in a way that is so much more than I have in the past. That SHE is the centre of my attention. That it is HER that my world revolves around.

You are not competing against OM for your SD9. You ARE the best dad that she can ever have and will ever have. Just BE that BEST DAD and it will return to you in spades!

[GAL Man]

I was driving home from work tonight and seriously wondering why I even want to be married to this woman. I still do, but why. After everything she has done to me, none of it deserved. She should be the one trying to get me back, but it is the other way around.

Sometimes I don't blame you and I feel the same way. That's when I take a step back and look at the big picture on why I'm doing what I'm doing and why I'm on this message board. There's a myriad of reasons, including being able to look my S in the eye someday and tell him I did everything possible, being able to look myself in the mirror for the same reason, seing shades of the woman I'm still in love with in my W, and doing what God has called me to do.

Exactly the same reasons I am doing this, and I would think the majority posting on here would say similar

[islander]

Well if I could have adopted my SD I would have in a second. Her real dad is still in her life, but he doesn't spend very much time with her at all, which is his choice. The last 5 years I have been the dominant father figure in her life, but I never forced it on her. It was just kinda the way it work out. And I have always been great with her, we have a great relationship. She knows without a doubt that I love her.

As far as her writing he names on her book, it more or less seemed to reflect the people that are in her life right now. And bc OM is now in her life, he shows up. It just pi$$es me off, ya know. But I have to realize that no matter how much I love my SD that she may not be in my life one day. And I have no control over that.

To be honest, I feel like I am detaching a lot more lately, and it scares me bc it also feels like I am giving up. I am not, but in a sense I am. Kind of circular when I think about it

[ninelives]

You are not giving up Islander. ONly navigating this thing wiser. Only you know for sure when you truly give up. Eventually , we get smarter and realize that Detaching is the only way to survive this thing and not only that, prosper from it.

9

[islander]

To be honest, the more I detach, the more I am starting to wonder if I even want my W to come back. If I do, I don't know how much longer I will. The longer this goes on, the more it seems our M is getting tothe point that it will be damaged to much to fix. I just keep thinking about everyhing that has happened, and I just don't know anymore. I never bought my W would have done this, and now I question whether I even knew her.

I also think I may take my ring off again. I am o ly married to a piece of paper right now. Mu freind has been trying to set me up with somebody, and I am thinking about letting him. It is a tough decision for me, but I feel like I have been alone for so long now. I only get one life, and I am ready to really start living again.

[ninelives]

Are you sure of your feelings Islander? It seems like a rather sudden change of heart. Are you reacting to a situation that seem impossible. Yes, sometimes you wonder if you ever really knew them but try and look at the good times , not just the past hurt she inflicted on you. And its possible that you didnt really know her at least , not the new her.

Just take a little more time before you make decisions about moving on with the other sex. Its usually not fair to the new woman in your life. I have had little flings with a couple of women at it has left me very unsatisfied. Made me feel more empty. AT times i would say to myself, You are not my wife, what am i doing here with you. It was a kneejerk reaction and it turned out poorly.

Up to you Islander, and maybe you have to go through this to see how you feel. I suspect it will not be a good thing but I have been wrong before.

Glad to hear that you are continuing to detach. My fling did theh opposite for me. At first , the first one seemed ok and I convinced myself I was doing the right thing, but then later I knew, and so did she , that I was still in love with my wife and she was just filling a void.

Patience I think right now, continue to detach but be patient.

9

[islander]

9,
I know that I loved my W and I still do. I know that we had a lot of great times together too. But I am so tired of this, of feeling alone and without hope. I don't know that I have any fight left in me. I think I would feel better about myself if I just start to move on...slowly. And there isn't anybody that would be able to say that I didn't try, that I wasn't willing to do anything to save my M. I want to feel good about myself again, and start living. Maybe she will wake up and have a change of heart. Maybe I will still want our M to be great, or maybe I will say that I am done. IDK. But I might be ready to find out.

[jbnati]

Hang in there islander. Remember it's a marathon, not a sprint. It is very tiring. All of us feel like giving up from time to time. However, you will know for sure when it's time to hang it up. If your W ever has a change of heart, it will be her turn to prove to you it's for real.