Islander, I'm curious why you never adopted your SD9. My D13 was 3 when we married and her biodad was pretty much out of the picture. It felt right to adopt and it was my commitment to her when I M her mom.
No big deal, just wondering.
I do mention it because you're concern that SD9 put OMs name on her book. I could not imagine that my D13 nor my D9 would put the name of an OM (or OW for that matter) on their books. I could imagine how horrible that might feel.
I'm very confident that regardless of any relationship my Ds strike up with any OM in my W's life, that I will always be their dad. That "loyalty" will always be there.
I did talk to my D13 many months ago about what I felt was a concern that she was emotionally distancing herself from me. As I've mentioned before, there's quite a co-dependency between her and W so often what W felt about me, it transfered to D13. I am noticing that as time goes by, that is becoming less and less apparent.
Anyhow, what I'm saying is that I talked to D13 and let her know that I was feeling sad that she might be thinking I would abandon her. That I would NEVER abandon her and WILL ALWAYS be there for her... be her dad... I then followed those words up with action. I kicked it up a HUGE notch to be the dad that I had not been. To be MORE of a dad to her, than ever before.
That really seemed to make a huge difference for her and our relationship is 20x better because of it, IMO.
Now I know that affected D8, so I've been doing my best to follow that up with her. The abandon conversation did not have to happen, I simply do everything I can to show her and be with her as often as possible in a way that is so much more than I have in the past. That SHE is the centre of my attention. That it is HER that my world revolves around.
You are not competing against OM for your SD9. You ARE the best dad that she can ever have and will ever have. Just BE that BEST DAD and it will return to you in spades!
