I found posting my thoughts and problems on this website to be very theraputic....a way of venting and getting my feelings out in the open where I and others could look closely at them.
Before my wife choose to commit to rebuilding our relationship, she backslide and fought like hell. She also questioned what she really wanted for herself. Once she decided on her making changes to save the marriage she challenged my changes to make sure she wasn't wasting her efforts. She also had some deep converstations where she really tried to verify if I had been serious about leaving her if I didn't get the love I needed.
As horrible as you may feel, you are doing very well. Ultimately, your marriage will fail or succeed based on if your wife wants it to. You cann't make her change, you can only inspire her (lead by example) that change is possible and reinforce her changes.
I keep a diary (that is encrypted so my wife can't read it). In it are my thoughts, words of wisdom from others along with my personal goals for the coming year, promises to myself regarding my GAL, etc.
Your comments on need sounded familiar to something in my diary. The following were some words of wisdom from others that I put in my diary as a reminder.
Quote:
Word of wisdom from others:
……….include physical intimacy and sex in our Marriage in a way that is loving and emotionally/physically rewarding for both of us, as I am not interested in coercing you to be a body for sex.
……when a person finally finds the guts to say, "You know, our marriage is hurting me, and I no longer think I deserve to diminish myself in order to stay in it. I choose to become healthy and whole; I recognize that I don't NEED you to love myself, and while I'd like to have you in my life I'll be fine without you" --that's the only point when marriages can turn around.
…"Let's stop fighting. I really love you. I know what you need in this marriage. I'm gonna try my best to give it to you. If you're not getting what you want let me know what I could do better …"and I really appreciate you and I'm glad I married you."
A couple of digressions that may help you.
The first is some insights I found into why my wife may have not wanted to have had sex with me. I realize that your wife probably isn't quite ready yet to have sex with you, but this is to help you understand things, when she changes her mind, at some point in the future.
I want to clearly state that I really am not a great fan of Hartley, but I think that he has some insights that are of value. One of the things that I think that Dr. Chapman missed in his 5LL book is the importance of recreational companionship. I feel that to some extent it is almost a 6th language of love. It is the most important thing that I feel Hartley has to say for me.
This is a concept that Hartley talks about a lot. The reason that I bring it up as a digression, is because you recently purchased touring bicycles and I wanted you to be able to fully understand the potential power of that investment in your marriage.
Finding out your wife's desires in regards to the touring bicyle is important. It will be a way for the two of you to help rebuild your relationship, if you do it right. Is she looking at the freedom to travel special places? Is she looking forward to picnics and the great out of doors? There are truly lots of places one can go on bicycles in Europe that you can't easily get to by car, trails, cannal/river bank routes, City pedestrian only zones, etc.
Similarly, one of my favorite things to do in Europe is to do picnics with my wife. There is nothing finer than a nice day, a nice bottle of wine, 100 grams of cheese, 100 grams of sausage, and some fresh baked local bread and the woman I love in a beautiful setting. My wife finds it romantic and also really enjoys it as well.
Your touring bicycles should be a great way of adding recreational companionship to your relationship, along with helping you in your triathalon training and letting her feel like she is sharing this with you. Even though my wife hates running, she will come to watch me finish my half-marathons and drive me to lunch and then home.
She is even talking about entering a 5km "fun walk" associated with the next half-marathon that I am signed up to run. She is trying to be there and participate as a recreational companion, even if she will not "run" a race. I have been very supportive of her trying to share this GAL activitiy of mine, in her own way.
Focus on the positive, visualize what you feel a successful marriage will be like, apologize for having hurt your wife in the past, forgive her for her hurting you, read and learn about relationships, continue your GAL efforts, and be proud of yourself and who you are.
Good luck, you will find happiness.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
