Part of my response earlier was about the 5/8 post. You were getting mixed signals from your W, and I can only reassure you that is normal and maybe even a good thing.
As to the other posts, from the cheap seats I see some potentially controlling behavior on both sides. (Can’t say for sure.) It also looks like some of it is really boundary building; i.e. the line in the sand isn’t a challenge to make the other spouse conform so much as making a rule for oneself to follow. I see your point about how she said she would call and then she didn’t, so you’re implementing the boundary rule that you set for yourself. From her perspective it may look like you’re trying to manipulate her with an ultimatum.
It was not cool for her to break her word about calling, and asking for an extension after not calling you would certainly be off putting. It may be manipulation and control, and it may be that your W needs to feel like she’s in control of things for now. That would be her boundary. Of course, no one should “control” another person and manipulation isn’t the way to build a trust, so in a sense you’re right to hold her accountable for what she said she would do.
Additionally, unless you’re competing over who gets to hold the high ground, you might want to give her the benefit of the doubt that maybe she’s not manipulating you. What if the whole incident was born out of genuine uncertainty and/or fear of what you would say? Really there could be any number of reasons why she dithered, and the point is that you don’t really know, which takes us back to trust and communication.
This is tricky. How do you uphold your personal boundary of not being jerked around, while dealing with someone who may be unintentionally jerking you around? First you would have to open your mind to the idea that maybe she isn’t meaning to mess with you and put it in category of those insensitive things people do sometimes. If you can do that then you can validate that you understand she is unsure about something and that she wants more time. (Don’t validate if you don’t get it, though. This is one of those things where you have to believe what you say.) Validating her doesn’t mean you have to back down from your position, because if you can grant her understanding then perhaps she will grant you understanding that you need to move forward despite her indecision so that you can have a sense of well being and certainty about what is happening.
Everyone wants some sense of control over their lives. Some people want more control than others, some people want too much control. Since I don’t know you, I don’t know where you fall in the spectrum. I do see in your posts that you are very uncomfortable with this situation being out of your control, but that’s understandable. Your W is calling a lot of shots that directly affect your life. You can’t control her, but you can control how you react to her.
I’ve been reading lately about different perspectives on relationships. One perspective is that relationships are about control and competition, while the other perspective is that relationships are about cooperation. You can imagine how incompatible two people who are competing would be. Likewise having a controlling partner with a cooperating partner, could easily end up being frustrating, confusing and painful for the partner who is seeking cooperation from someone who is seeking control. The point of is that the best relationships are when both partners are cooperating to reach mutual agreements.
If you want to fix your R, you both have some work to do. For now, you can only work on yourself.
