The big punch

[spellfire]

Your daughter is 3 years old. If she doesn't want to talk to you, it is okay. Your job is just to be there as much as you can for when she wants and needs you. As she gets older she will be more capable of expressing this. Be the kind of man you would want your daughter to marry.

Don't get hurt if she doesn't want to talk to you. Don't make it about you.

[Redo]

Don't get hurt if she doesn't want to talk to you. Don't make it about you.

Thanks SF. Yup, i keep telling me myself that i should not make this about me. keeps me focussed.

[Redo]

Journaling...

Yesterday was much better. I talked to daughter for almost 15 mins. Thats way too much time for her to stay attentive. At-least wife was around again prodding daughter to talk to me. I am glad she's doing this. Not sure if i should express this out to her.

So i told wife about my visit to see daughter on 21st. I have to give her a week's notice. The only questions she had were 'when i was coming' and 'how long i am staying'. The second question sounded in-appropriate. But i guess i was seeing things through the 'husband' glasses. She does not look through those glasses anymore. For her this is a event where she needs to schedule things correctly. No emotions, just practical.

One mistake i did was telling my mom about it this morning. My mom loves drama and creates one where none exists. I am just learning this now. By the time i was done talking to her, i was angry and more emotional. Had to call up my dad to set myself straight. I need to pay more attention to him. I am finding that i am still quickly drawn into my mother's drama and cannot seem to extricate myself quickly. Have to figure out a way of dealing with this.

Anyway, now need to buy some presents for daughter. Maybe a princess bike now.

[spellfire]

Since you know this about your mom, use "DB" techniques to improve your means of dealing with her.

* No talking about your R / issues with your W and kid.
* Always be positive and upbeat.
* Set healthy boundaries regarding what she can discuss with you.

This will improve things with your mom and she wont bring you down as much. I have had to learn to do this with my own mom. She still tells me a bunch of stuff and criticizes me, but I just let it bounce off now.

[Redo]

* No talking about your R / issues with your W and kid.
* Always be positive and upbeat.
* Set healthy boundaries regarding what she can discuss with you.

Thanks SF. Yea, i need to start practicing DBing on her. My bigger worry lately has been that if i let my mom affect me this way, i'll be jeopardizing my future relationships too.

Since my mom is more accessible right now than my wife, it will be a good DB practice for me.

[Redo]

Journaling...

This weekend was great. Good weather.
Used saturday wisely by finishing up lot of house work that needed to be done. Went on a 2 hour cycle ride which was great!

Sunday, just spent whole day watching tons of netflix movies and eating Thank god for netflix during these times...

Looks like my SIL is visiting wife. Her whole family is attending her cousin's wedding. Sure wife needed a backup and her sister is to help her out.

Sometimes i wonder. Does wife realize what she is losing only if she stays by herself?. Right now she has so much help from family when it comes to taking care of daughter, she might not realize how hard it is gonna be if she stays by herself. On one i want her to realize this. On the other, i am glad that she has help from her family.

On sunday i slipped and fell couple of stairs, when it just hit me. If something were to happen to me, no one would ever know. It has been over a month that wife initiated a call. And even that was just for asking about divorce. She has not called once since December to even ask if i was okay. Made me wonder at that time if i even exist for her. Pretty pathetic feeling. But i got over quickly. No more pity party.

Glad to be back at work on monday. Looking forward with excitement to see daughter on weekend and apprehension to meeting with wife and her sister.

[25yearsmlc]

If you make this trip about being a great dad, & time with her, getting reacquainted, and being the best dad you can be, then the apprehension will be lowered. Your w cannot fault you for being a good dad, and you won't have to worry about R talk. Would this be a 180 for you?

ALso, understand that D will miss her mother. She's used to her 24/7 so please anticipate this coming up. Maybe you'll have to ask w to stick around awhile til D gets used to you more.

That may hurt but it's normal even in intact families. My h and I were active duty in Desert Storm, and each of us would be gone for weeks/months at a time. d2 (from age 2-5) literally feared h, like a stranger. She'd get used to him but always ran to me for comfort. When I returned after a long trip (spoke to kids every night) the kids would always feel closer to the parent at home until they were used to me being around again. IT HURT...but I stopped taking it personally fast enough. Besides, adding guilt to a toddler isn't helpful and makes the other parent angry. So, all you are aiming for is renewing your r with d. Make sense? Then begin making these trips regular, reliable.


Let's address your biggest fears...
as in, what if some ugly words comes your way from w? Well, you'll have 2 choices. If you think she is revising the marriage too much, or just lying, You can say "Wow, I'm sorry you recall it that way b/c I sure don't" and change the topic or walk away (UNLESS SHE HAS A POINT), at which time you say "yes w, I can see why you'd be upset by that. If I had it to do over, I'd do things differently" and then you END that topic. No wallowing in your "Wrongness" b/c guess what? YOU GET IT! You are changing now, so there's no need to beat a dead horse...problem solved...next...

but if she barrages you with a bunch of hostile comments or you really feel attacked, you can say, "Excuse me but I flew out here to see D, not fight with you. If you think this is really important, let's have the L's work it out, so I don't have to spend my daddy time, arguing with you. I'm here making up for lost time with our d..." and end the talk. You may have to use your feet to walk away...Don't forget that she had no LEGAL OR MORAL right to take her away...but there's no need to say that unless she pushes too much.

I bet none of this happens but if it does, and these answers feel authentic, then you are "armed"...nothing to worry about.

Remember the image you'll project. You were deeply hurt, but you picked yourself up, dusted yourself off, got some insights, and now you are a changed man.

You are an upbeat man, looking forward to his future, (NOT obsessing or freaking or worrying or collapsing), but confidently moving forward in his life, you learned from the mistakes in the m and are now much better equipped to be the man you were meant to be.

As for the pending div, you are resigned to her choice. You accept it, although you think it's regrettable. In fact down deep, you think it's HER loss mostly. Why? Oh, b/c you are a changed improved man and now you'll be a great h for someone, but evidently not w... and you know that w won't find anyone who loves her or D like you do... so, since you're addresssing those issues that she cited, they aren't "problems" anymore, and you are NOT wallowing or self pitying, etc.....IOW, you're a good catch/all she had hoped for, etc.

BTW, don't worry about the "I fell down and can't get up" scenario and that you'll always be alone, no one will discover you til you've rotted away, etc. (That's the same fear right out of the film "Brigitte Jones Diary" btw....She refers to herself and single friends as "singletons" and it's a "condition to be avoided" b/c she doesn't want to die alone, undiscovered until dogs find her...it may be a chick flick-- but it's hilarious. Put it on your netflix list) ANd you were right to identify it as self pitying and UNattractive behavior so, good for you dropping it.

But besides, It's not your w's duty to baby sit you. MYK, you have to Make some friends. Seriously, it's a basic in life. Some of the GAL stuff has to involve other people right? Can you join a church support group? They don't all require you to believe all their tenets. Like a lot of churches have AA meetings in their basements & they don't have to join the congregation.Or a club & then meet someone for a drink, lunch, movie, whatever. Start small & build, and say YES to every invitation you get for the next year.

Anyhow, good luck this coming weekend. Hope this helps. Can you make yourself a mantra or theme song to get you through? (Hey, whatever helps!)

Here was my voice mail message when h was gone, and would call...

(Happy voice) "Hi, we're busy meeting fascinating people, going to exciting places, and doing fun, interesting things. Leave a message at the beep & have a GREAT day!"....and then mykarma, start living that way.

(( ))

[Redo]

That may hurt but it's normal even in intact families. My h and I were active duty in Desert Storm, and each of us would be gone for weeks/months at a time. d2 (from age 2-5) literally feared h, like a stranger. She'd get used to him but always ran to me for comfort. When I returned after a long trip (spoke to kids every night) the kids would always feel closer to the parent at home until they were used to me being around again. IT HURT...but I stopped taking it personally fast enough. Besides, adding guilt to a toddler isn't helpful and makes the other parent angry. So, all you are aiming for is renewing your r with d. Make sense? Then begin making these trips regular, reliable.

Thats good to know. Yea, i just need to again re-establish relationship with my daughter and keep it consistent. Thanks for giving your side of the story.

but if she barrages you with a bunch of hostile comments or you really feel attacked, you can say, "Excuse me but I flew out here to see D, not fight with you. If you think this is really important, let's have the L's work it out, so I don't have to spend my daddy time, arguing with you. I'm here making up for lost time with our d..." and end the talk. You may have to use your feet to walk away...Don't forget that she had no LEGAL OR MORAL right to take her away...but there's no need to say that unless she pushes too much.

This is what i was worried about. After last Friday when wife went ballistic and uttered a lot of hurtful things, she is pretty quiet on the phone now. But yup, if things do get ugly, i'll ask her to best differ those to the lawyers. That really removes a huge amount of stress.

But besides, It's not your w's duty to baby sit you. MYK, you have to Make some friends. Seriously, it's a basic in life. Some of the GAL stuff has to involve other people right? Can you join a church support group? They don't all require you to believe all their tenets. Like a lot of churches have AA meetings in their basements & they don't have to join the congregation.Or a club & then meet someone for a drink, lunch, movie, whatever. Start small & build, and say YES to every invitation you get for the next year.

This is the one part i am having real trouble with. I actually want to hang out with some my friends. But all have families and kids and no has free time on weekends. But yup, i have not made an attempt to make new friends. Your tip on accepting invitations for this year is really good. I'll push myself on this.


Thanks for your feedback 25. Really appreciate it.

[25yearsmlc]

no prob myk

the "say yes to every invitation" thing really is fun. And hard. I said "yes" to stuff when we lived in the interior of Alaska and I knew NO ONE and had a newborn, but had to get out. So cold and dark, etc.

But I NEVER regretted the "yes" after I had gone and accepted the invite. Learned a lot about myself. Joined a writer's club, took a pottery class???? YEAH and I was better at it then I thought, and did stand up comedy, auditioned, volunteered at a shelter, etc.

It was really eye opening and I realized how much of my life had been spent on NOT saying yes...

Enjoy your d time

[Redo]

Journaling...

Yesterday had a decent convo with daughter and wife. I told her that i was planning on buying a toddler bike for daughter. Wife was giving me ideas on what activities to do. I asked her if she wanted to join us for lunch, but she declined.

She again called up this morning to tell me not to get too many candies as daughter has a big sweet tooth. So we talked for about 2 mins. I asked her how she was doing. She just says 'we're okay' and changes topic.

I know i should not waste my time doing this, but i try to gauge her feelings by her words and voice. Hard to pin down what she is going through. Sometimes i feel like she is way ahead of where i am as she always sounds so happy. I guess it is also because she has so much family surrounding her.

Right now i am trying to form this idea in my head that i should consider 2 years as a garbage time. That these 2 years in my life should not count. That way i will not worry that time is running out. That way i'll know that i have 2 years to see where we might find each other at. Sounds lil crazy, but seems like that sorta calms me down from freaking out about the future.

I guess i have a busy week. Have to assemble the bike. I also got the '5 love languages' book. Started to read it. I wish i got this book a year ago.