Tipper so sad that you have found yourself here again, but I am not really convinced that the last year with your h was the greatest for you. If you are home alone, worried while your h is out drinking is that the marriage YOU want to be in?
If it's not, then maybe this is all happening for a reason. We can't control what another does, but we can control how we react, our own life, and to some degree our destiny in life.
You don't have to decide today about taking your h back, all you need to do today is heal yourself, get strong, feel good about all that you have done for your marriage and then later on you can think about next steps.
I come from a family of alcoholics myself and it's really why I distanced my self from them years ago. I just didn't want that in my life. People can change though, but they have to want it not you want it for them.
Give it over to God and let him guide and direct your life. I have found that to be the most rewarding part of this journey.
God Bless!
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
Thanks all, I will continue to pray for sure, as I always have.H and I have always prayed out loud before dinner since we were first married hand in hand. I am very comfortable with praying alone or with my H. Now, I miss praying with him, but I turn to God a lot while H is gone and pray out loud before bed.
I was invited to my in laws for dinner tonight. They said, H is also avoiding them, just like the last time he left me. He only popped into his parents for a few minutes on mothers day and wouldnt even sit. They said, he acted like every thing is just peachy in his life. Also, they said he walked to and from their house to the motel he is staying at. (that is very unusual for my H).
I am starting to think that my H is definetly cycling back through some of the MLC stages (possibly replay, depression & withdrawl - all together at once). He probably ran back into the tunnel due to my Nagging about the time he spends at bars.
He came over today to drop work crap off in our garage that he still uses weekly. I was on my way out. It was the first time we have seen each other since he left again. He looked worn out and like crap. I just said, I have to leave - sorry. So he said no prob and moved his truck for me. I waved to him as I left and he waved back. It was so weird to see him, I was shaking. I felt like his eyes were cold as stone and filled with guilt.
I dont think he is just choosing a path of adultery, I see this as a MLC. As, He has not ever "been with" any OW. He has just pursued a stripper (EA only since she was a lesbian and did not want my H), and now I have suspicions about a bar tender ( who he has pursued, and she flirts to do her job but she is happy with her boyfriend who is a cop in our town, and she has told people that she disrespects my H).
I think the pursuing is his way of testing the waters out in the world, just like a teenager. Because he is so unsure of wether or not he can be a H to me or if he even wants to be married at all. I am really glad that all the women he has chased have all rejected him in one way or another, I dont know if I would be here if he were to have a PA. I think I would be done.
right now, my H's mistress is simply the bottle. He cant think straight or see the damage he is doing currently due to his alcoholic fog. Only time will tell - Went to alanon tonight, and that is what several memebers said to me. TIPPER
I went to alanon tonight. It always helps. I hear other women that have been through the SAME EXACT crap tell their stories and how they find peace in alanon and have been much happier years down the line. I hope I get there.
My H just text me tonight when I got home and said: "I apologize for my shortcomings, everything happens for a reason, I hope your NOT beating yourself up over this".
I just said: "I am doing ok,thanks".
Do you think he is just temperature checking me???????????
I am assuming he was probably drunk when he sent the text, as that was the only time in the past that he would ever be nice, concerned or loving, was when he was trashed.
Why is he so concerned if he is the one leaving me in the dust again???? Shouldnt he be the one beating himself up over this???? TIPPER p.s. I am so happy that I have all of you on these boards to talk to and vent to, you all help me so much. I feel like you all (and alanon)are the only ones that can understand and relate to me.Thanks
Andabelle, I actually am beating myself up over this. We had 2 great years of piecing, and then this last year he stated up with MLC behaviors again, and I started to freak out. I nagged him not to go to the bars so much, I got angry when he still did. I blew up at him about 3-4 times in which every time he threatened if I blew up again, that he would leave. Then I did it again... And he left. I cant help but feel like this is my fault.
I have read a lot of literature from alanon and A.A. (the big book), and they have sections in there that are directed at the wives of an alcoholic. They suggest being kind and compassionate and lovingly distant and to focus only on you. They say to remind yourself when your angry that the person is SICK with an illness, a disease they can not control.
I am finding that a lot of the a.a./alanon literature is VERY similar to what they/DBing says about a person in MLC, and how to react to them is also similar.
I did the opposite. I nagged and complained that we didnt spend quality time together and that I do everything around the house. I got EXTREMELY ANGRY with him on a few occasions. I did every thing wrong, I could sense it as it was happening.So then I would let him go do his thing for a few weeks while I unconditionally sat back alone and loved him from afar. After a few weeks of biting my lip, i wouldnt be able to take it anymore,and boom -another arguement. I feel I pressured him to go drink even more. I am to blame. I tried to change him and control him, to get what I wanted out of life. It did not work. The things I said in anger were like murderous weapons to our M.
I need to learn how to control my emotions, and to still not be a doormat at the same time. I know he wants to just be friends now (his words). I dont even know how I am going to do that with all this anger/pain i hold inside.
I am starting to think my H is just a huge alcoholic and maybe not even in a MLC. Or maybe the two are going hand in hand. I was denying for a long time that he was an alcoholic. But all the actions of an alcoholic are very similar to a person in MLC: the OW, the bars, the running, the anger, the depression, the guilt, the loss of old friends, the damaged careers, and the turning the blame onto others. Its just so similar. I am so confused. I have no idea right now how to handle our M sitch. I can hardly see him or get a text from him without shaking and feeling angry and like I want to explode. HELP!!! TIPPER
I could have wrote your post. Im going through the same thing. Anxious to see advice from others. I feel I made everything much worse. But, they are so hard to live with and not good examples for the kids.
Perhaps we need to realise that both alcoholism, and MLC are a response to a deep disturbance, and a sign that all is not well.
it does seem that many MLCers go through a period at least of heavy drinking, but in my case my xh is not and never has been an alcoholic. Whatever it is, they are running and trying to hide from their demons. Distractions include OW, and generally stupid behaviour.
I think we have to set boundaries, and all the information I have read about dealing with drug and alcohol abuse [I worked as a volunteer for a time with this group] indicates that you must set boundaries and stick to them. This is not the same as nagging.
Same with MLC. Our boundaries can be different. Mine are very tough. Not suggesting they are right for everyone, but they are right for me.
Your h may be sick, but ultimately we all have to take responsibility for who we are, and our decisions. Your h could face up to his drinking issues and do something or he can continue to run and hide. As long as he is an alcoholic your relationship will be co-dependency at best. Until he sorts himself out and stops drinking he cannot have meaningful relationship with anyone.
You are not the problem, so do not beat yourself up. This is about him.
What Beatrice said. It makes me really angry that your H tried to make it your fault by telling you not to beat yourself up about it. Don't you see what he was doing there? Don't buy into it!
Yah, I see that he was checking just to MAKE SURE that I WAS being hard on myself. It was a temp. check also.
I know and every one else knows that if H cant be happy with me, he will not be happy with anyone. Every one I know tells me they saw me bend over back wards to please him and they did not like how he treated me so badly so many times. He is emotionally bankrupt. People have said to me, that he should have been kissing the ground that I walk on due to my forgivness of his past escapades. He just never tried really hard to make up for anything. It was all words, and rarely any actions.
I just want a family life so bad(M and kids). I see how other men treat their wifes so great and would do anything for them. My H would act bored around me, and act like anything I wanted to ever do was a killjoy. I am waking up to how badly I have been treated in the past, and I never want to go through it again. I want respect, emotional support, and love.
Beatrice, I would love to hear about your boundaries you have set, if you wouldnt mind sharing.Lifejustgothard2, are you going to alanon??? I think it helps me.
If my H wanted to work on things, I think I would laugh in his face right now. I am always his back up plan when the other women reject him or when he is out of money, so I know that will take about 6 months or more till he seeks me out - just like the past two times he left.
He would have to do a whole lot of apologizing to me and friends and family, he would have to do a personal self inventory of his faults and try his best to fix them, I would really want him to get sober if he possibly could, attend A.A. when I am at alanon, No flirting w/other women, pick up some hobbies that are healthful, he would have to stop blaming the world for all his problems, and he would have to not be such a temper tantrum two year old that always has to have things his way. WOW, I just dont see it happening.
I am letting go, so I dont get dragged. I can have a much better life with out him right now. I am not ready to move on or nor will I be anytime soon with any other man. I really believe in M, and in sickness and in health the vows are always going to be respected by me. Until he divorces me (i dont see myself filing-ever), I will stand and hope that he gets the help that he needs, which is a lot!!!!
He has been offered help by his parents (last week) to get sober,they said they would help him get into A.A. if he wishes. But H said no, that he is just fine and refused the help. Typical alcoholic!!! TIPPER
