When It Rains, It Pours

[♪CS♪]

I mean, just b/c the funeral ends Saturday means nothing. She'll grieve more later.

Good point, something I'll have to remember.

One thing I am not sure of, should I continue to offer help? Or just wait for her to come to me?

I can see her wanting it but being afraid to ask. I can also see my offers being seen as pursuing if I do too much.

I am waiting to get some guidance from her on how she wants this weekend to work. I don't know if she'll want to see D at all, or if I'll just go to the service and leave without seeing her or her family. She took both Sat. and Sun. off, so she is welcome to D if she would like to have her around. I just don't want to push for answers from her.

[~ kd ~]

I believe you have answered your own question, CS.

Asking too much could be seen as pursuing. As 25 mentions, she is grieving so that's on her mind and SHOULD be on her mind.

As always, conversations about kids and finance are important to have. Everything else is idle R talk and should be avoided.

I would ask her again about your D21mo and offer to have her through the weekend, offering that you will make D21mo available as your W wants during that time. Outside of any general arrangements you have made.

As far as offers to help otherwise, I would say this weekend is pretty much set out. Everything that will happen that needs to be taken care of has probably been scheduled. If something comes up that hadn't been considered and needs immediate attention and is something that you could do, make the offer to assist and then let them decide how to handle it.

And if your W comes to you for emotional support, be there for her. Not because you are M, but because you are her friend and care that she's grieving. There is nothing more to interpret in that.

[♪CS♪]

Thanks Kaffe, good advice.

W was going to drop D's medicine off at the house today before daycare. She texted me and asked if she could drop it off with me at daycare instead. Sure, I only spent 3 hours cleaning, no biggie!

So I will meet W at daycare to get the meds.

W then tells me that MIL reserved the first 4 rows for the service tomorrow and my family is invited to sit up front.

Boy tomorrow is going to be tough. I get a sick feeling in my stomach thinking about it. Both my parents, brother and SIL will be there. It's going to be strange.

I'll be there with D.

Oh....

Lord give me strength.

I think I will ask W when I see her later if she would like D at all this weekend. My guess is she will decline, but I feel I should offer. IDK.

[islander]

I can just imagine how you feel about having all of your family there with you this weekend. Be strong and show confidence, and you will be ok. And remember that this weekend is not about you, it is about your FIL, and supporting her family. You will be ok, but I feel your stress

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks Kaffe, good advice.

W was going to drop D's medicine off at the house today before daycare. She texted me and asked if she could drop it off with me at daycare instead. Sure, I only spent 3 hours cleaning, no biggie!

So I will meet W at daycare to get the meds.

W then tells me that MIL reserved the first 4 rows for the service tomorrow and my family is invited to sit up front.

Boy tomorrow is going to be tough. I get a sick feeling in my stomach thinking about it. Both my parents, brother and SIL will be there. It's going to be strange.

I'll be there with D.

Oh....

Lord give me strength.

I think I will ask W when I see her later if she would like D at all this weekend. My guess is she will decline, but I feel I should offer. IDK.

Of course you should offer to take d. Read nothing into the reply b/c it's not about you or the M. It's about what your w needs or thinks she'll need (and has the right to change her mind about) and whether a small child will add joy to a situation or distract from a grieving process needed for others. Sometimes kids add the right ingredient but sometimes they don't.

Your family and hers were united by m and now by a child. I'm one of 9 children and at my father's funeral, my brothers' ex wives came even though it had been years since they divorced.
Symbolically Spoke to their respect for my dad, (and nothing else). It was a classy touch.

This weekend is NOT about You or the M...keep that in mind and take nothing personally. It's okay to cry too, as long as you don't make it about you wanting comfort from them, but sharing in their pain. Make sense?

[♪CS♪]

Of course you should offer to take d.

Thank you for the reassurance. Like I said before, I find myself in uncharted waters here, so I can question what I am doing. I REALLY appreciate your experience from the loss of your father. It really helps to hear your experience with this.

Sometimes kids add the right ingredient but sometimes they don't.

My thoughts as well, so I can understand whatever she wants here.

Your family and hers were united by m and now by a child

Not that it is important here, but our familys are DIFFERENT. VERY different. I was always uncomfortable when our families got together. I am sure everything will go well though. Our families never fought or anything, just different interests. I just REALLY hope her or my mom do not bring up W's and my sitch...

my brothers' ex wives came

Is this one brother with multiple ex wives, or multiple brothers each with an ex wife?

NM

This weekend is NOT about You or the M...keep that in mind and take nothing personally. It's okay to cry too, as long as you don't make it about you wanting comfort from them, but sharing in their pain. Make sense?

It does, thank you.


One last question...

Should I bring a date?

Sorry, sometimes humor is the only thing that keeps me going...

[25yearsmlc]

absolutely bring a date. IT'S SO Super fun to go to a funeral on a date, esp since your w and you are not div YET...

[25yearsmlc]

tell your family NOT to bring up the topic of your m. Just tell them clearly this is about their paying respects to FIL and just that. Plus it won't help. Perhaps your mil will bring it up to your family, but your family can simply express regret b/c they love you both and the granddaughter, etc...generic regret, etc.

Also, of my 5 brothers, 2 were div and their ex wives came to my dad's funeral. I was pleasantly surprised by it. And impressed too.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

tell your family NOT to bring up the topic of your m. Just tell them clearly this is about their paying respects to FIL and just that.

Listen to 25, please. Don't assume they know this, tell them.

[♪CS♪]

VERY good advice guys, thank you. I will let my family know that it is NOT appropriate to bring up anything regarding W and I. I would hope that they know this, and I am sure they do, but a reminder definitely cannot hurt.

Quick update:

I met my W to get D's medicine. We talked for just a bit, W had to get to work (her first shift since her dad's passing). She was noticably nervous about it.

I did let her know that if she would like D this weekend, she was more than welcome. She said thanks, and that she will think about it. She told me that she thinks she will just head back home after the service tomorrow. There will be a LOT of people at her moms house, and she is feeling overwhelmed. Understandable.

She brought her oldest sister back up and the drama there. She is REALLY mad at her, and understandably so. Her sister is a mess unfortunately.

She mentioned that her and her mom will be getting the the service about an hour early, and hinted at me doing the same. I thought this was nice, she is not trying to avoid me, quite the contrary.

So just a few minutes after I got back to my office, W calls. A reminder that this has been a hectic week for W, she was aksing why D was signed in for a full day of daycare this last Tuesday. I reminded her that was the day of her class, and I took D in. She responded how out of it she is.

We talked about her plans a little more, and I said I would get to the service early as well so she can see D and I can say hi to her and her mom. She was very grateful and thought that was nice.

She brought up her moms BDay, and how she is trying to get off work to go see her on that day, and it might change D's schedule. I said no problem.

We talked about a gift for her, and she brought up an picture of D and the dog. Great idea, I think that is what I'll do. I might need to start thinking of what I'll put in the card now...

Overjoyed, enraptured, entranced. Are we ready? Yes, good. In we go.