Of Men or of Angels

[Jack_Three_Beans]

She would argue the sky isn't blue because she is on a different f@cking planet right now.

Why argue with her?

You are one of the more patient guys I have ever meet, and not in the wishy-washy way either.

I expect anyone here to call out that the emperor isn't wearing any clothes. I hope they will.

So...

grab a drink.

I debated this for awhile.

I think perhaps you did this with the intent to get angry enough to be done. I can see the need and understand the need to bank to coals to melt steel angry to overcome the patience and compassion.

That boundary in the car, the one you set for her, about the time.

You didn't tell her about it prior too meeting her.
She didn't know it was a boundary.

It was passive aggresive.
To me it was also controlling; here is why I think that.

When she showed up late (50 minutes, yes she suckks with time)

(I don't know what the rest of your day was like, I do not know about plans or work, but I got the feeling you didn't really have anything else planned. So this is supposition on my part)

When she showed up late, you punished her for your unspoken boundary, by not doing lunch and removing yourself.

Controlling is one of her complaints about you.


Truly Grit, I don't care why you did it. I understand the need to get away from them once you have come to that choice.
I do care how and the cost to yourself. You haven't been that guy for a long time, don't let him slip back in.

[Truegritter]

Truly Grit, I don't care why you did it. I understand the need to get away from them once you have come to that choice.
I do care how and the cost to yourself. You haven't been that guy for a long time, don't let him slip back in.

Nail on the head.
BINGO.
Yachtzee.


Man you know how to really read the tea leaves.

You are spot on. I absolutely (unconsciously) did exactly what you said.

[dl443322]

True, at a point during all this for me, my therapist said to me, B, you keep saying the same thing to him over and over expecting a different response. But right now, it's like talking to a rock, ya know?

Here's the thing. She feels what she feels. Right or wrong, those are her feelings. And no amount of you telling her to accept responsibility for her actions or expecting her to change or feel differently is going to change that

So, since the only one you have control over is you, you CAN change how you react to those feelings.

I have to agree and I said it, too, that you, as we say in Brooklyn, were looking for a beat down.

Moving forward was never about her. It was always about you.

I will ask again, whatcha gonna do now?

[cat04]

at some point she has to start taking responsibility.

This is faulty thinking...

And really unfair to her....

Becuase you KNOW she can't do that right now, maybe not ever...

And yet...

YOU tried to force it...

I didn't need to see her in her MLC glory.

I disagree...

I think you did...

To fuel YOUR fire...

Grit,

I was with you, until I read your posts these last few days...

Now, I'm not so sure...

And if I wonder...

And the others wonder...

Maybe you should too...

From those of us who have been there...

When you are done, you won't have to convince yourself you are done...

You may, however, find that you are trying to convince yourself that you are not...

[punkin]

True,

When I first read Cat's reply above, I disagreed with her. I thought maybe they were being too rough on you. On second thought, what Cat says makes a lot of sense. She made me relook at the situation from another standpoint, and I see everything she said. Think it over . . .

[Truegritter]

the need to bank to coals to melt steel angry to overcome the patience and compassion.

And what did you all think?

I am made of steel?

I am

not.

I

Want to

Live with my W.

Sleep next to my W.

I want

To share my life

with my W.

Trouble is she ain't there.

Trouble is she has the emotional maturity of an 8 year old.

Trouble is it likely will take intensive therapy for her to begin to get better.

Trouble is she doesn't recognize this.

Trouble is I don't think I want to sign up for more of sharing my life with someone who is always a victim of other people

Real or imagined, It is her reality and I have to pretend there are monsters under the bed with her.

Calm her fears like a little child.

I want children I just don't want to be married to one.

She tells me I treat her like a child.

Her words and actions tell me she considers a M to be Carte Blanche to do whatever you want and I am just supposed to accept it.

That is not healthy for me. Because I don't feel that way.

Becuase you KNOW she can't do that right now, maybe not ever...

So when do I leave this empty place?

[beatrice]

True - how long have you been dealing with this? What you say is what we all want, or wanted initially - to be with a person who is fundamentally changed, not only towards us, but towards everything they once loved and held dear.

Time helps - you cannot will yourself out of it. Even 'working on yourself' can take on the aspect of a chore. Do things that are enjoyable to you, not what you feel you 'ought' to do to make yourself a 'better' person.

All I can say is we gradually get better, some faster than others. I suspect that most of us still love the person our spouses once were, and weirdly, even love the poor empty shell that they have become. We get angry, hurt, depressed, tearful - our emotions cycle wildly.

However everyday living gradually gets easier, and one thing I have noticed in nearly 6 years here [I used to post under another name] is that men tend to heal faster than women - this isn't new, Jane Austen noticed it 200 years ago. Not saying all men and all women, just that you will get beyond it, and most likely meet someone else, and be very happy. Look at the lovely Mila . . . Or you may want to remain alone, but at peace.

What is lacking is peace. MLC is a destroyer of our inner peace - saying we allow it is both true and somewhat unhelpful. If someone kicks us hard we hurt - only later do we realise that it is their problem as much as ours that they need to do that. But it doesn't ease our pain at the time, or make it right that they kicked us.

[Mach1]

Grit,

I think you are missing the point, and I take the blame for being too "cryptic"

I apologize for that

I will be more straight to the point with what I am seeing....


Nobody is telling you that you have to do this or do that

Nobody is saying that you have to be one way or another

What I see, and this is only my opinion...

You are ready for this to end, and you didn't want to be the one who pulled the plug

In the absence of her initiating this, you manufactured a boundary, that was not stated to her beforehand.

When you enforced said boundary, it caused the reaction you needed to be able to say that you have had enough, and walk away feeling justified with your decision.

Nobody has told you that you have to stay, or walk away....

But I am damned sure gonna challenge you when I see this...

You are using anger to fuel this immediate decision.

Have you thought it through completely ? I am sure you have.

Have you given it everything you have ? Maybe so.

Walk away or don't walk away Grit....

That decision is yours

You have handled this with the Dignity, Grace , and Honor that many would aspire to have....

Until this.

Your ending deserves way better than you are giving it....

[Truegritter]

What is lacking is peace.

That is it.

I understand all of what is happening with her and I know she is in much more pain than I will ever know or understand.

There is a lack of peace and fulfillment. You can do all you want for yourself and live your life the best way you can...

But there is still a lack.

A void.

And that is just sharing your life with someone.

That is the honest answer deep down.

[MHL]

So when do I leave this empty place?

When the PROSPECT of the possibility of YOUR future pain caused by....

your regret

her regret

thoughts of "what if's"

thoughts of "if only I waited a liitle longer"

etc

Etc

ETC.......

(you fill in the rest Grit)

When the all that stuff that MAY cause you pain in the future becomes smaller than the FEAR of remaining in that empty place is when you will move from that place.

What is odd is that the fear of staying in that place becomes greater as time marches on.

this is all driven by fear of what the future may hold for you...

GOOD or BAD.

Guess what????

Such is Life.

My father advised me not long before I made my decision to file..

He said,

"Chris life is a game and we wake up each day and play the game, some days we win, some days we lose, but we still have to play the game. The measure of one's life is not a tally of the wins and looses but rather the fact that we endured and did the best we could with what we had at the TIME."

I did the best I could with my marriage of 17 years and if I did an assessment of the last 20 months of my marriage I would say that I was a freakin' awesome Husband, Father, Son, and Friend to everyone around me.

I did my best.

I choose divorce...

Is that a win or a loss???

dunno??? I did my best....in fact I did the best I have ever done......when the pressure was on, I stood and delivered.

I don't have to prove it to anyone but the people I care about most know it, even my XW knows but most importantly ....

I know it.

Grit,

IMO you have been the best H that any W could ever have.

If it is fear of regret in the future that is binding you right now then I will tell you that it never goes away.....even after divorce.

I have accepted some things in my life that I have no control over and I have decided to keep moving to keep "playing the game" despite those things I can't control.....

Obviously I can't control my XW...duh

I can't control the fact that I will always love my XW.

I can't control the fear of regret I may feel one day if she wakes up. (whether that day is tomorrow or 10 years from tomorrow).

However, I CAN learn to LIVE with those things and MOVE forward with my LIFE......

and

BE HAPPY.

Take your time....

Cheers

~C