Things seemed to be going better, but I started wondering if she was still actively pursuing other partners. So I point blank asked her if she was. She said she had stopped for a while but was thinking about starting again. I told her that she should consider not having that as an option. I told her I believed that her being able to seek other people only harmed our chances of ever healing our sex life since it meant that she didnt have to focus on the problem that is tearing apart our M. She got very defensive and started saying she wasn't capable of doing that. We argued about it, then she started saying that I was changing my mind again, and that she couldn't trust me to keep my word. I knew she wanted to go back to her old WAW excuse that she can't trust me, because I keep attempting to close the M. I told her that we should try to say monogamous, until we are stable enough to be open. All she could say was that she couldn't stay in a close one. She did briefly mention that she didnt know if she would like an open marriage, but that for know she knew she just has to meet her needs. Well at this moment I got weak, and told her that the only reason I was attempting to close the marriage was because I was about to decide to start pursuing myself, but wanted to give monogamy one last chance. She told me she didn't believe me, and that she didn't trust me anymore, and didn't think the M was worth all the fights. She asked me to get her D papers. I tried explaining myself and my state of mind, and somehow we got to talking about PTSD. How it made me needy, and indecisive. I kept trying to emphasize that things didn't have to end that we could get help. All she could talk about was about how her life is ruined now that she HAS to divorce me. Go figure....
We went to bed, had a terrible nights sleep, woke up ate some cereal. No apology breakfast waiting for me. She may snap out of this, I'm not holding my breath. This exact issue, and her complaint that I changed my mind and couldn't be trusted is what led us to the first separation.
Trying to hold on to hope that a miracle will happen and she will snap out of it, but I'm not holding my breath. Last time this happened she ran away for 2 weeks. With less than a month before the move things seem even more grim. The worst part is that I am considering pursuing someone myself to be honest an EA or a PA would be great. Technically I have permission. I honestly just want some female attention right now. Need to feel wanted. I know it's just more neediness, but I'm seriously hurting.
I think I will still get her coffee to show her I care. I'm so confused.
