Thanks Green. The lengths that they go to justify their position is limitless. They will continue to throw me under the bus as many times as needed.
As you say, I have to put this aside and focus on me. I have to remove all reasons that my wife has for not wanting to continue the relationship. I thought I had done that, but clearly I have a lot of work to do re the Controlling perception. Every action I now take is made with prior analysis to make sure that it can not be seen as trying to control her in any form.
This is actually good as I was not seeing any progress and it was because she feels that I am still controlling her. Will see how the next couple of weeks/months go.
Punchy Also keep in mind that once the changes are made, she may start gravitating back, but will not be back 100% until she feels that these changes are permanent. This can be very frustrating as it may feel like she is half trying to fix things. That's because she is. Just got to be patient. (I mention this because that's where I am in my sitch).
Its been two weeks now since I stopped all of my snooping activities. It was difficult at first, but the result is that I actually feel better about where I am and the efforts that I am making to keep improving myself.
At this time it is not about saving my marriage, it is totally about me being a person that my wife can find no fault with. The only blemish will be my past, and the more distance that I can put between that and the current form of me the better.
The last week has actually been pretty good. Much more interaction between me and my wife post Mother's Day. (all of it initiated by my wife). She invited me to go with her to a work function at her bosses house this past Friday. (The OM was not there, he is too far down the org chart to be invited) I made sure that I talked to as many of my wifes co-workers etc as possible. Was upbeat and made sure that I left a good impression with everyone. Wife seemed to enjoy having me there, but who knows/cares.
Today wife and I spent a couple of hours together shopping and looked at buying a new TV. Wife wants to get a PVR so I suggested that we upgrade to a new one. She seemed pretty excited about getting one and talked about it being a great purchase for the family. Tonight we all watched a movie together and my wife was very talkative towards me, something which I haven't seen alot lately.
I found out yesterday that a co-worker of mine is separated. She found out last October that her husband was cheating on her. In her mind, that was it, the marriage was over. She is moving on with her life. She said that it was hard on her two young daughters but feels that she did the right thing. She asked me out for lunch so that we can compare stories in more detail. Just hearing briefly about what she went through was very helpful for me.
Will see what this week brings. Good thing that I like rollercoasters.
Nothing much to update on. I went onto the computer last night to check into this website. I always check the history to see what sites my kids have been visiting on the internet. Wife rarely uses the computer.
History log showed that someone had visited a number of sites related depression, stress leave from work, chronic fatigue, self testing for depression and natural cures for depression. I doubt that it was one of my kids that was visiting these sites given their ages.
My wife has admitted only once that she is depressed about where she is in life. It bothers me that she doesn't share with me what she is dealing with on a day to day basis. Shows me that we are still very far apart relationship wise.
I also wonder how much affect this depression has on her unwillingness to work on the relationship. Does it continue to add to her fog. At this time I see three barriers between me and wife from a renewed relationship perpsective:
1) Current depression issues 2) Ongoing presence of OM 3) Wife's perception that I am still controlling her
I can only control the outcome of number 3, so I will continue working on this as much as I can.
Punchy This is great news, she is trying to deal and work with her issues. Try to see it in a positive manner. IMHO all WAW suffer from some form of depression and think that a D or an A will be the answer. We both know it is the opposite of it. Her getting help for her problems is a positive first step. Trust me mine refuses to get help and i feel it hinders our progress.
Thanks for the different perspective on this. Based on our situations we tend to see things too many times through a negative lens. I need to start looking for the positives. I have started reading a book on positive attitudes so this may help to re-shape my thinking.
So we went and purchased a new TV the other day. We narrowed it down to 2 different models. My oldest son and I wanted one brand and my wife wanted another brand. Our choice was based on the quality of the picture. My wifes choice was based on the shape and style of the frame. The old version of me would have pushed for my choice. We are now sitting at home watching the new TV with the nice frame! Oh well, it felt good to let her make the choice and made me realize how controlling I was in the past whenever we were buying things. Like I mentioned previously, every day provides opportunities for me to show that I am no longer that controlling person that she grew to dislike so much. I need to make sure that I take full advantage of these situations.
She was pretty upbeat last night after buying the TV, but today was very reserved in her interactions with me. Seems to be that pullback reaction that I have seen on so many other threads. Just when you think you are making a small step forward, they pullback from you and you feel that you are further away from where you were just a few days ago. Its almost like she would have been happier if I forced my decision on her and then she could complain to her friend about how controlling I am.
These are all small steps, some just happen to be going in the wrong direction.
Don't sweat the pull back, punchy... part of it is they are processing why (cognitive dissonance) the expectations they had (your usual forcing your choice on her w/ tv) is different than what they experienced.
In your case, your W was legitimately happy... then the confusion came. She can't be happy about winning and about you not putting up a fight, because that's NOT supposed to happen...
Enjoy the pull back. She's noticing your changes and is trying to work through it.
Wife was still pretty reserved today. She came home from work made supper for the kids and then sat on the couch and drank a bottle of wine. I went to visit my mother and when I came home she had gone to bed and left a huge mess in the kitchen. I spent the next hour cleaning everything up which I end up doing every night.
The drinking after work is a step backwards to her behaviour prior to when I confronted her about the OM. She would come home from her fantasy world at work and sit on the couch all night and drink her wine. She was working out for awhile but that seems to be shortlived. Not sure where all of this is headed and I am not sure whether I really care anymore.
