Keep us posted. If your changes are real and permanent, man, it's crazy to lose that. You're a man only a fool would leave. If she doesn't get it, and it's real, then it's her loss. You won't be alone all your life.
25yrs That quote really inspired me. It really helped me tonight.
Well the day today was very turbulent. We had an appointment on post we almost didn't make. As usual she took forever to get ready. I tried not to pressure her too much, but we made it. On the way there she started complaining about the service on post, I told her that shouldn't be a problem because of my rank. She just laughed at me. I got very upset at that, and told her I was going to show her how much influence I really have if they gave us trouble. A few minutes later, she put on her band which she hasn't worn in 2 weeks almost. She said "time to pretend again". I got REAL ANGRY, but stayed quiet. She could tell I was not laughing at this remark. She asked if anything was wrong, all I could say was. "Did you have to say it like that? That was very hurtful." She apologized, then sarcastically said. "ok time to do this schizzle again" I didn't laugh as she thought I would.
I stayed quiet then she had to ask. "are you mad?" I said "no but I am still bothered about how you don't respect me, and my rank." She tried explaining herself, tried to cheer me up. I wasn't being receptive, then she said "you look nice today...." I tried not to let it bother me specially since we were going on post, so I put it behind me.
After the appointment she was upset because she didn't like the picture they took. She then turned it on me and started criticizing me, and everything I had done in the last 2 hours. I tried to ignore it, but she kept pushing. She then said she didn't know what to do, because I annoyed her soo much. I told her I was working on it, she replied with "no you're not". I asked if she wanted anything for lunch, she said no. I said I wanted a subway sandwhich, she said she didn't care, and would just eat at home. I said ok. I drove to subway, and of course she got upset, guess the eating at home was a hint. Well I went in anyway, and told her I wanted subway. She stayed in the car. I get back in, and she actually apologized.... (I was shocked) She said she was frustrated and didn't know what to do. I tried telling her how it was hard, and that I was working on it, but she should cut me "some" slack. She got upset, and said "You are NOT trying". We drove home and I ate my sandwhich.
Close to finishing it, she asked me if there was anything else I'd like to do today. I said no, she said "well the car still needs an oil change, but I don't want to go wait for it." I said "don't worry about it I'll take care of it". She said "you don't have to go do it by yourself". I told her it was no problem, and that the card shop was 3 blocks away and I would just walk there and get some games in. She thanked me very sincerely 3 times.
To be honest I just wanted to get away from the house. We are down to one car, and that gave me a good excuse to just get away. I had a lot of fun playing cards. I'm amazed how good I have gotten.
I got back things seemed to be good again. We watched TV, she she started mentioning that she had problems, and needed help, maybe a nap would help. I knew this meant she was in the mood, but didn't want to do it with me. A few minutes later, she finally snapped and said "I'm in the mood and there's nothing I can do about it, I'm going to go take a nap."
At this point I read 25 yrs's post, and it gave me the courage I needed.
15 mins into her nap I decided to confront her. I walked in and asked "have you been able to nap?" She replied "no not at all". I said good, because I want to discuss something.
I brought up counseling, and tried telling her that it could really help us. That we were plateauing, and that maybe we needed some help. That I knew she was frustrated both sexually and emotionally, and that this might help. She once again refused. I told her we could maybe make it without, but it would make things take longer. She said she didn't want to keep waiting. I told her that she'd have to make a choice then. We talked about my newly gained insights, I told her about how ML is not just about "getting off" but feeling connected. She seemed skeptical, we talked about the migraines she used to get, how they killed her libido, and how surely she must have been annoyed by my insistence to ml when she clearly didn't want to. We talked about her feeling forced to give me duty sex, or as she called it "pity sex". We talked about how this type of sex killed intimacy, and was most likely the reason that she thought ml with me was so lame and boring. Years of duty sex most likely killed all excitement and sparks.
She talked about how she wanted the excitement again, couldn't see herself with me, and was thinking that the lack of excitement in our sex life was from the fact that the "newness" of a new partner was gone, and the only way to recapture this was with new partners. I told her I disagreed, and that we could capture that excitement and that it would take a lot of work.
She then said, "but I NEED it NOW", I said "well I do TOO". She then brought up that I was free to find someone else if I wanted to. I told her that was not what I wanted, that I didn't want sex, I wanted to ML with HER. She said that she couldn't and that she felt like a teen with her hormones all over the place. She talked about her same sex wants, we talked about her maybe just being a lesbian. She said that was not it at all. She wanted guys not me.
I then thought about your quote 25yrs and grabbed my pair and told her: If you do it would hurt me a lot, I don't want you too. She tried to be understanding, but then said: "I know it's hard, but are you trying to take it back?" I knew what this meant, she was referring to an earlier incident where I tried to close the marriage and she freaked out on me. She said that I had tricked her, and that I had switched the tables on her, and that I was dishonest. She really turned the tables on me, and since I was so weak I took it. She was actually mad at me for weeks afterwards and convinced me to leave the marriage open. (She got what she wanted, and then punished me for even considering challenging her).
Well not this time. I told I wasn't comfortable with it, and that is not what I wanted. She then said well what's the point, let's just get divorced... I told her "well if you feel that way there is nothing I can do."
The rest of the conversation revolved around her telling me all her reservations, how she was afraid of things not working, or whether she could continue to be faithful. I kept telling her that if she didn't think it would work she was free to leave, there would be no hard feelings. She said she felt I was pressuring her to stay. I told her there was no such thing, that she knew as I know that there is nothing I could do once she makes up her mind. I told her that she was here by choice, and that if she wanted to stay then she needs to work on this with me. I got the typical WAW response: " I don't know" I reassured her that I understood why she felt that way. We talked about how she most likely couldn't make up her mind, because she couldn't believe I had really changed. She agreed. I told her that would take time. She said she didn't know if she was willing to wait. I reminded her she was free to leave.
We talked about co-dependancy and inter-dependency. I told her I had long realized I couldn't stop her, and that I had to learn to not to need her. She worriedly asked "You don't need me anymore?!" I explained, that there is a difference between appreciating someone in their life, and "needing them". That I was the former, that she brightened my day and enriched my life, that I wanted to be with her, but didn't NEED her. Finally I said it was like the difference between good "needing" and bad "needing" she seemed to understand this. I emphasized that she was free to leave, and I accepted that. Things got a little awkward, so I told her "I'll give you some time to think alone" I then left the room.
Been watching Triathlon on TV and typing this post since. She actually came out for a few minutes to have some cereal, she seemed to be in a good mood, until she saw what I was watching. She asked "are you really watching this?!" I said yeah, trying to learn from the pro's. She seemed annoyed. I told her, if you want to watch something else I can go watch this in the bedroom. She said no I'll go. I said ok..... She is currently in the room watching tv by herself.... correction she just called for me to see a Conan sketch (she seems in a good mood again).... and asked if triathlon is over....told her not yet.....well that's enough for now I'll post more later.....phew what a night so far.
