When It Rains, It Pours

[♪CS♪]

she may be testing you when she says things like that and almost baiting you

You know, I seriously doubt it. I don't think she thought about it at all. Just simply where her life is right now. Where she see's her future.

I simply smiled and said, "yeah."

Oh, what a life...

[AloneAt35]

Country, being such a newbie to DB techniques, I'm always hesitant to comment on a situation, lest I give bad advice. But I honestly see reasons for you to have some measured optimism. In fact, I wish I was in your shoes with my partner as you are with your W. Don't lose faith is all I wanted to say.

[♪CS♪]

Not much of an update this morning.

W and I texted back and forth a couple times last night, starting with just talk about D. I mentioned that her mom might like the picture of the dog I had sent her (Her mom LOVES the dog). She thought it was a great idea, said “she’ll love it” and asked me to send it (I assumed when I said this that she would send it if she thought it was a good idea). She also said, “Thanks for being so thoughtful.” I said sure.

So I sent the pic to MIL. She responded right away with a thank you. She also noted that it was a hard day, one week since FIL passed. I just said, “I know MIL. I’m thinking of you” She said, “thanks CS, I appreciate it.”

I felt a little weird after this. My role and my boundaries are still fuzzy to me.

This morning was quick and uneventful. I dropped of D with W. It was a pleasant exchange without a whole lot to note. D has been sick again (not bad yet) so I brought D’s medicine for W incase she needed it. She thanked me for remembering it. I did ask her if she would drop it back off at the house tomorrow since I have D this weekend. She said she will. So I have some cleaning to do at the house tonight!

Anyways, that is it. The ball keeps rolling. To where? No one knows…

[Eryam]

It sounds like your exchanges are becoming increasingly positive. And like you mentioned a few posts back, believe nothing of what they say and 50% of what they do. Although it does sound like even the verbalizations are getting better, it seems that she is responding more quickly and has a better mood. Even if she throws out comments like the one about the yard, I think her tone in your general conversations means more than the actual words used.

You're doing great :-)

[♪CS♪]

Thanks May.

I do feel better today. I am able to see the positives and take them for what they are.

After worrying I may have crossed a line in sending the picture to MIL last night, I remembered something today.

W made a point to remind me of MIL’s B-Day which is this month. I take that as a sign she see’s my involvement and contact with MIL as appropriate. And shoot, W ASKED me to send it....

We have to remember to catch the small stuff.

The pyramids were built brick by brick.

[25yearsmlc]

Well done Country. The man showed up and handled himself with dignity. Must have been awkward when MIL started talking about divorce but again, you handled yourself like the man we have come to respect on this board.

One question: When your wife hugged you, did it feel genuine?

I ask this because when my w's mom died, her hugs felt empty. Like she wasnt really squeezing , do you know what i mean?

Maybe analyzing a hug during this time isnt the way to go but it stuck with me.

Dont want to detract from anything Country, just saying.

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9, you sure like to make yourself crazy. Having lost a parent, I can bet you that your w's hug felt weak and empty b/c she was in GRIEF and exhausted and it had nothing to do with you...seriously, don't make yourself crazy or plant that in someone else's mind. Grief is grief.

When my father died, my h was an absolute pillar of support and for that I will always be grateful. He took care of all the "stuff" so I didn't have to. We had the kids around but he made sure I wasn't drained by them either, as they were young then.I have no idea how I hugged my h or whatever. But I felt grateful. You were using it as some sort of opportunity and maybe she sensed it, but more likely she was simply tired and sad and had nothing to give you.

No more mind reading, please. It's so NOT helpful plus it enables you to continue on in a lifestyle that doesn't hold anyone accountable for what they actually say, and instead creates drama where perhaps there was none. Just take people at their word for these times. IMO it is NOT about the R/M at all. It's death and dealing with it.It's as if you get a free pass for this time period. There are certainly some unforgivable things that can be done now, but CS won't cross those lines b/c he's smart.

[25yearsmlc]

Country,

you asked me to stop by and so, I am. Very sorry to hear of the loss of a role model for you and your w's father.

When a parent suddenly dies, as my f did some years back, you go into a suspended state of sorts. Not a lot else matters but small kindnesses are noticed and remembered, sometimes to be processed later.

Your w was derailed by this catastrophic event. You showed up and were a pillar of support, from whom she could not have asked more. Her family appreciated it. They told you. However they assumed the div was happening so you were left out of the obit. It was not an intentional slight, they simply have been focussed on their own pain. But they noticed your class. You manned up. They thanked you, as did she.

Your w has noticed that you are a great father to your daughter and she's even more acutely aware of the value that has, now. Many seeds have been planted in her but they need time to germinate. She's reeling right now and frankly, for anyone to think that she'd awaken to her "OMG what was I thinking? Of course I don't want a divorce...I want CS back NOW!!" is delusional and a tad self centered. (I know you aren't self centered, but if you were obsessing about how YOU fit into this, it would be...this time is not a time that is about your m or divorce, it's about a family dealing with the loss of their patriarch).

Really? She's in grief, and shock. There's no way that she's going to notice anything in the romance department for weeks or months.

She's reeling. And stumbling and getting back on her feet to work...she can barely function. Expect nothing. You've already gotten noticed, appreciation was verbalized by her family AND she told you "it was noticed" and will "be remembered..." Geez, how much do you want??

CS, here's how I see it. Realistically, it's the best case for you that you could expect. You did right by them, she noticed, she told you so, her family noticed and thanked you, and they all involve you still.


Given the givens, it was a good week for CS. Keep it up, and remember that for the next several weeks your w will lack the strength to re-assess any choices she has been making. She doesnt' have the energy right now to second guess things. But you planted seeds that you know are in there...let them grow. Don't push. Back off, while being supportive and upbeat. When she resurfaces and comes up for air, she'll look around and you'll be looking good. That's how i see it anyhow.

[♪CS♪]

Thanks 25, I really appreciate it.

The truth is, we all find ourselves being impatient sometimes. 9 said it recently, WE WANT IT FIXED NOW!

It's true. I admit it, I get these grandiose thoughts in my head of her "awakening" and running into my arms. But I know you're right, that is not the way it works.

I think what I really needed was some reassurance. I am as confused as anyone regarding what I am doing. Add on this sudden death, something I do not have experience with, and I find myself touching and feeling my way along hoping I don't trip.

Thanks for reminding me of the positives and where my expectations, or lack there of, should be. It is easy to lose focus, and forget where we started.

I think a lot of us know the address of where we want to be. We just don't know all the turns it takes to get there. On top of that, we forget to look out the window and enjoy the drive.

Keep it up, and remember that for the next several weeks your w will lack the strength to re-assess any choices she has been making. She doesnt' have the energy right now to second guess things. But you planted seeds that you know are in there...let them grow. Don't push. Back off, while being supportive and upbeat. When she resurfaces and comes up for air, she'll look around and you'll be looking good. That's how i see it anyhow.

Thanks again. I hope you're right. After the service this Saturday I should have the chance to get back to normal. Our schedule with D will be back to normal, and I think it will be time for me to get back to me, and see where things head.

[25yearsmlc]

the reality of her father's death will hit her more in the coming weeks after all the dust settles. She may want the d to be around her MORE, or LESS. Depends on her energy.

When my dad died, I wanted my kids around me at all times for the first 3 months or so BUT I lacked the focus to be able to play board games and interacting directly. It was weird, (I'm sure I was super fun). I wanted company and theirs, specifically, but just had nothing extra to give. Took me awhile. Very glad that h was there to cover for me.

Be prepared for things NOT to go back to normal completely. She may parcel the d out to others, but you might want to be ready to take her more. IDK, just tossing it out. I mean, just b/c the funeral ends Saturday means nothing. She'll grieve more later.

[ninelives]

Sorry Country if I planted some bad thoughts in your head. You are right 25. Grief is handled in so many different ways.

I hate to say this but in my W's case, she really didnt like her mother all the much and one time even admitted to me that she wasnt going to be too sad when they passed. That was an awful thing to say but said it when she was angry.

Your wife country and her dad seem to have an amazing relationship so please disregard what i said earlier. You know I wish you nothing but the best.

Listen to 25 WAAAYYYY more than me. Her advice is based on sound logic and great insight. Im afraid mine comes stems from emotion these days.

PEACE

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