85 Days

[Denver_2010]

Update...

I called my SS this evening to see how he did in school. He asked me if I would take him to get a video game that he has been wanting. I agreed to go pick him up and take him.

I arrived at W's house. I hugged her and I could sense distance. She said to me, 'space... I need space'. I said, 'sorry.'

SS went out to the car. W walked me to the door. I again apologized. She said:

"Denver, I need space right now. I am not ready to be married to you or even be dating you. I don't want to date anyone right now."

I said, "I know. I'm sorry. I just want you to know that I want to be with you. To hang out with you."

W said, "I know that you do. I feel like you want to be with me 24/7. I feel smothered"

I said, "okay. I understand." I then said goodbye and took SS to the video game store.

Afterwards, I took SS home. I stayed in the car while SS walked inside. I did not get out to see or talk to W.

I had to drive back to my office bc I had left some work there.

While driving there, SS called. There was something wrong with the video game. I told SS that we'd have to take it back later bc I was already 20 minutes from the house.

A few minutes later W called. She asked me where I was going and I explained. She asked me if SS had receipt to take video game back and I told her that he should have it. She said that she would take him back to the game shop to return the game.

Then W said: "I hope that you understand what I was saying earlier. I wasn't trying to be a b!tch"

I just listened and did not respond.

W continued: "I feel like I've told you a couple of times but you don't understand."

me: "I understand. I do now."

W: "I just need time. I just need time. I feel like I haven't been enjoying the time that we spend together bc I've felt obligated lately. I feel pressured. And the more that you pressure me the farther I push away."

Me: "I understand that completely. I do. I would rather not be around if it is like that."

W: "I have so much going on. So many decisions that need to be made immediately. Where SS and I are going to live. Where SS is going to go to school. I just haven't been able to think about what I want. I need to figure out what I want for my life."

Me: "Okay. I will just do my own thing then."

W: "Is that all that you have to say about it?"

Me: "What else is there to say? It is what it is. I'm not mad. I'm hurt, but I'm not mad."

W: "I know that you want to work things out. I know that you want SS and I to move back home. I'm just not ready. I feel like I've tried to work on things at times. But the timing just isn't right. I don't want to move back in when I feel like this."

Me: "Okay. I understand. We have the U2 concert next weekend. Shall I find someone else to go with me?"

W: "I don't know. Let's talk about it next week."

Me: "Okay"

Silence

W: "Okay. I guess that I will talk to you later."

Me: "Okay. Goodbye."

W: "Bye."

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This is feeling more and more like the end. I have 2 choices now... well, the reality is that I've probably had these same 2 choices for a couple of weeks. 1) Let go and wait. 2) Let go completely and move on with my life.

Option 1 means that I will just have to accept that W is figuring out her life and what she thinks will make her happy. It may mean that she goes back to OM until that is resolved for her. I don't know if I can live with that or forgive her again.

Option 2 means that my M is over and that I have to accept the changes that are in store for my life without my W and SS.

I don't know what to do. I'm lost.

BITS
Denver