I intend to live forever - so far, so good

[ClingingToHope]

After my divorce class last night, I played softball then headed to the store and got D8 some new tennis shoes. Somehow she lost one at my house yesterday. It's amazing how one shoe can disappear in a 1,000-square-foot house.

I dropped them off after 10 p.m. and I thought D8 would be sleeping, but she wasn't feeling well and came out to see me.

The poor girl so wants her parents back together. D12 has given up. D8 still hasn't.

Turns out she was sick and was going to miss a day of school, but she rallied in the morning and made it in.

This morning I updated the summer schedule and sent it to STBXW.

STBXW rarely plans ahead on things -- which is a big part of the reason I usually ended up taking things over.

Last summer, I didn't coordinate anything with her. I figured she wanted to be the custodial parent, it's her job to figure it out.

Well, the summer all got thrown together at the last moment.

That wasn't good for the girls. So this year I put together a chart with her weeks of vacation, my weeks of vacation, who has them on what weekends and then I plugged in the camps they are going to that I know of.

She's getting to cake-eat here, but having it all organized helps me find little ways to maximize my time with them.

There's a week in August where I'm not sure what they are doing yet. Neither STBXW nor I have that week off so they'll have to be at camp.

I proposed splitting them up that week. I take D12 on Monday and Tuesday and then D8 on Wednesday and Thursday. That'd be extra time for me and it'd be time apart for them. I want to take D12 into Chicago by herself for a day and just hit the stores. I want to take D8 to Madison, Wis., for a day by herself and see the new childrens museum.

The tough thing about having separated parents is it means they are always together and they get tired of each other.

STBXW took the girls to counseling two weeks ago because she said they were fighting all the time. Well ... they are fighting all the time because they are always together. When STBXW and I were still together, we'd do a lot of things where STBXW would take one kid and I'd take the other. They are 3 1/2 years apart so things D8 likes to do bores D12 and D12 can do things that D8 can't. It's a real challenge some times.

Divorce thoughts. Can't help from looking ahead. If we get within a week of the May 31 divorce date and she still hasn't signed, I was wondering whether I should send her a reminder email to get the papers signed. I don't want to seem eager, but I definitely don't want this continued for another couple of weeks. That's just another court date and $250 out the window, especially now that I'm the ONLY ONE still wracking up legal fees.

I also exchanged a few texts with church 31. The countdown to May 31 continues. Today, I'm OK with it.

[Onthemountaintop]

She's getting to cake-eat here, but having it all organized helps me find little ways to maximize my time with them.

But...it's your cake! So even if she eats it, you designed it to be the best, IYO, for your kids. If it is the best for your kids, it is often the best for us in the long run.

The tough thing about having separated parents is it means they are always together and they get tired of each other.

I thought so, too. My STBXW was getting punched and kicked by my eldest daughter who still feels her mother 'ruins her life'. So, in court, we split Thursday by kids rather than full custody - I get the eldest, the other 4 are with mom, and the next week we switch. Sounded like a better plan on paper... It is hard to treat them fairly like that. You only have two kids, so it might work with your sitch.

As a teacher, we try to tell kids that they need to know their emotion to control it. I wonder if your girls need help expressing their emotions in non-aggressive ways. Just getting the words out and knowing the other understood (even if disagreed) can feel validating. On occasion I see my kids fight and when I take a step back from it, I notice they fight like my STBXW and I did. I've always wished my kids were immune, but they picked up on subtilties well.

OTM

[awest1217]

CTH - Just keep doing what is best for your daughters. There is a lot I do that "helps" H out a lot, but I do it not to help H, but to help S have the best time possible so I might be doing too much, but I don't care because it makes S's life better.

I am glad the girls went to a counselor because they do need to learn to express their feelings, and it is good for them to be a part once in a while. My oldest nephews are 9 and 7. They do everything together (I know that is a closer age then your girls), but they are always fighting because although their parents are together, they always put the boys together and it is not good. Some sibs can handle it, others need their space and need an opportunity to be individual so I think splitting them up once in a while is good. I am sure they rely on each other a lot, but having time to be girls and be themselves alone is important as well. I also have found this is more true with girls than boys, but that could just be because my step-sister and I fought all teh time, but my brother and step-brother never did and we are the same age difference between us.

Continue on and if you want to remind STBXW to sign the papers why not, or have L remind her because it is your money now.

[ClingingToHope]

Tough night with the girls. I may have to skip the early morning workouts on Wednesday because I'm very tired at night and don't have energy when they are over. When I don't have energy, I don't have patience.

D8 had three separate meltdowns. The last at 2 a.m. after she wet herself.

For the first time the small house became an issue. She didn't want to sleep in her room -- too hot. She didn't want to sleep with D12 in my room because D12 thrashes around too much.

Those were her options because the couch was wet. So at 2 a.m., she wanted to go home. Now, some may think this is wrong, but I have not given in once when they get upset and say "I want to go to mom's."

Once you give in on that then they have a hammer to hold over you -- kind of like the divorce threat.

My night is my night unless there are extraordinary circumstances.

Anyway, it was 2:45 a.m. before she calmed down enough to go to sleep.

She was fine getting her to school today, but I'm crossing my fingers she makes it through the day OK.

I texted STBXW that D8 had three meltdowns in case she has a bad day and the school calls.

Lord, she is trying at times. Of course, I also had some D12 issues to deal with. She's gained a tremendous amount of weight and I'm phasing in only healthy foods and phasing out the bad stuff.

D12 knows what I'm doing and she's not happy. She wants to look better, but she doesn't really know how to do it.

I am really looking forward to summer -- but there are going to be a lot of struggles.

Interesting, I felt really "neutral" toward STBXW yesterday. Between the various jobs, finances, the girls, the house and daily activities, there really isn't much time to think about STBXW.

[awest1217]

On the healthy eating, it is very important you stay away from D12 and body image. She is at an age where if you push the fact that she gained weight that she could have many issues later. It sounds like you are always pushing being healthy, which is good, but when she talks about her body make sure you tell her that she is beautiful and that we are just going to eat healthier as a family to have a better lifestyle, not to lose weight.

Also look into how this will help D8's ADHD. I have heard that certain healthier diets will help control some of the behavior issues so maybe something to look into.

Instead of focusing on being healthy for D12 to lose weight or D8 to better behaved, make sure you make it that you are doing this so you ALL are healthier. My older nephews come over and all I have in the house is healthy foods. I rarely have soda, and if I do it is only because of company. S never drinks soda with me, only one cup of juice, then it is water or milk. Snack wise, there is candy and cookies, but he knows that he only gets one piece of candy a day (unless there is a special occasion) and one cookie, but that is it. Otherwise he is eating granola bars, crackers, or some other more healthy alternative. I am not a super health food person, but teaching your daughters that they can have one cookie and then eat a bunch of fruit is great. My nephews don't eat healthy food at home so when they come over, sometimes they are upset and other times they are excited to have fresh fruit and vegetables, whereas S doesn't like to eat a lot of junk and prefers the healthier food and will even tell you that you have to eat healthy and what is healthy. Make the transition with the food fun, and not a chore because then they will learn to love it for a life time instead of dieting to lose weight.

Glad things were more neutral with STBXW.

[mishka422]

Speaking on the healthy eating for better ADHD control, I can tell you that I switched my son to a gluten-free, lactose-free diet several years ago and it has made a slight difference for him but it also frustrated him so much that he had anger issues because of it. He didn't like being so different than the other kids and at that age it was very difficult. He's in high school now and probably wouldn't have as many issues with it but now it's just more hassle than he or I are willing to deal with since he didn't have great results with it to start with.

Of course, he probably doesn't have a gluten or whey allergy like so many ADHD kids do. It couldn't hurt plus cutting out some of the fat incorporated into dairy especially could help both of your D's.

[ClingingToHope]

On ADHD, the one thing that has been proven is that they need protein. I try to make sure D8 has protein for breakfast -- peanut butter something.

Yes. The body image thing. It's a fine, fine line. The goal is to only have healthy alternatives at the house. Of course, that costs more.

I'm dealing with a mini-crisis on that front. The summer part-time job working running races is in jeopardy. There's a new person in charge of rounding up the weekend help for these races.

He sent me a message we aren't needed next weekend. That's a race we've always been asked to do. I sent him a message saying there were seven races we traditionally do and can he tell me if that's changing.

It's not a total disaster. It looks like the money writing blog stuff for my sister is long-term -- at least long-term this year -- and I'll make more doing that than the races.

But I'd allowed myself to think ahead this summer with having both of those extra incomes.

Ugh, one step forward, one step back.

I had a good time after school with D8. She feels bad about last night and I feel bad about last night. We'll just plow forward.

[faithisbelieving]

Get it done. You DON'T want more court costs. My kids have been infighting too. They also aren't bathing enough and brushing enough on the other half. My daughter texts me that 'ma gives more time to BF than me."

Just keep doing what you are doing: being a great dad. Listen to your girls. Be an example of what kind of man they will look for when they get older.

FIB

[ClingingToHope]

Went golfing this morning. About 7:30 a.m. I get a text from STBXW offering me a couple of fans. She must have heard my house gets hot upstairs.

I hate these offers. It's complicated as to why. But it's also stupid to turn it down. I was going to buy a couple of fans anyway. Now I won't have to.

I have to get past that feeling.

[ClingingToHope]

More things I need to get past.

D8 is having a sleepover with two of her ADHD friends. So I have three ADHD kids at my house.

It's going well so far.

D12 is at theater practice. I assumed STBXW was there. She's on the costume committee. So I texted her to see if she'd bring D12 to my house when practice was over so I didn't have to pile the girls in the car.

She texts back that she isn't at practice and she wants to drop something off here before she go to her friend's house. It's one of our bridesmaids that I've never particularly liked.

The feeling is mutual. I like her husband though.

When I got the text, my jealousy sprang up. It's as if I can't be happy unless she's home alone.

Definitely not the me I want to be.