ISO WAW Decoder

[25yearsmlc]

I don't recall what state you are in nor do I know why you filed, when it comes to DBing. I guess it was a huge ultimatum? Now you are in a place you don't want to be.

Wisconsin


Do you still want to save your m?

I do, but I'm very worried she will never return... I am prepared for that. I'm also worried I'll be back here some day in the furure

First, we all worry that 1) we won't get the chance to try, or 2) we will get the chance but we'll be back here someday. No guarantees are provided. Each takes the risk, not just you.

And you may well be back here if you don't seriously see your role in this. With her or some OW....

In hindsight, wouldn't hiring help have been a good idea? (Cheaper than divorce!) But also you might not have resented the things you did at home as much, b/c it sounds as if you were not 'Cheerfully" helping her, but begrudgingly so, in a way that suggested you were compensating for her deficiencies as a wife/mother, instead of simply being a good partner to her.

Even now, the way you describe the situation makes you into a hero and her a loser, even though all you did was help do what she had been doing mostly alone before. See my point?

If this is the first time you've had someone tell you that you played a role in this bigger than "minor mistakes", then I'm sure this is tough to hear. But if you want a chance at a better m, with your w or some other w than you need to look deeply at your behavior. Forgive yourself too, but learn from the mistakes you made. And examine those motives too. The reasons behind some of our choices can guide us. When we come from a place of light and love, versus wanting to "show them the consequences" which is a dark place of revenge, we learn what not to do.

Even now, you are using that victim lens to see yourself with, and you don't do yourself any favors by making out as if you are the victim. Imagine how hopeless this would be if you really had been a perfect h, and she still left. The silver lining here is that you were not perfect, which is alright b/c you are human, and your lives were unduly stressful (she tried to warn you...) and so, things CAN improve!

Your changes + time = her believing in them. When she sees that she really can count on you, and that you put her and the kids first and not yourself, she may come to believe that you are the man she hoped you were and wanted all along. It's tough for a woman to turn that down. Can you make that a long term goal?

But HER fears are going to be that 1) you will throw her mistakes in her face every time you are angry-which you did w/ kissing OM, 2) you will keep a scorecard--(um you definitely have tendencies that way, AND OR 3) you will take her for granted again.

Frankly, doesn't she have more to fear by reconciling than you? Think about it.

Fact is you two had a tough situation. It was very stressful and you blamed each other for the stress (she blamed you for the extra kids and no extra help, and you blamed her for 'making you help more') which is too bad b/c you could instead, have leaned on each other (or gotten outside help!!). As the kids age, things do get easier. That would have happened if you could have made it there. In my eyes, assignment of blame is not helpful now although insights into how you'd do things differently is.

The issues about your ex w and sleeping with her before the m, and her kissing some guy at work and telling you, means neither one of you knows what forgiveness looks like. Many of us don't. I never saw it between my parents until my dad was on his deathbed. It's a learned skill. It always includes the NOT throwing it in the other's face though. Once you let it go, you don't pick it back up.

And most women don't kiss co=workers if they get attention at home. I doubt you married a loose woman. So IF she felt you trapped her into being a breeding machine wife b/c you insisted on more children right then, she may have felt deeply hurt and humiliated. (ANY truth to the idea that by having more children she would be LESS likely to leave you?)

If she didn't feel like a sexy desirable woman or equal partner (and most women don't feel like equals when big unilateral choices are made), then it was a recipe for this type of behavior. I am NOT defending it but I am trying to get you to see that some things YOU did, and can change, would affect the likelihood of a woman repeating that on you. I was in the Army and surrounded by men, many of whom were attractive. The times I have been tempted in my m, were always the times I was most neglected, h was working the most or was the most stressed or was away. I was lonely. No, I didn't have an A but I'm saying I did see how it could happen. And it was directly related to how things were at home.
When you say you have sent "fig leafs" (I assume you mean
"olive branches"? ) give an example.

And don't forget, she won't trust your changes until she sees them consistently and over time. Otherwise they're going to look like tactics to get her back and she wants to know she can feel safe with you again. That means TIME & consistent behavior on your end AND 180s...

Don't spend any of your energy now telling me how bad or sad or crazy she is. That does nothing for you and your work, which is all you control anyhow. Besides, it smacks of hypocrisy. The main thing and the good news is that you see some things you didn't see or admit seeing, before. That means change in you is possible. That's really good news for you, it's HOPE.

FYI, when we went to mc I ALWAYS wanted the mc to tell me what I could do differently (this was after my "awakening"). I wanted to be the "wrong" one. Why? B/C I CAN CHANGE...if my spouse is the "wrong one" or the jerk or the "guess he wants to be single again" then there is nothing I can do and I have no control over my m...that stinks. Make sense?

So yeah, I wanted to have something within my control and any behavior that needed repairing or discarding was excellent news to me. Forget the pride, I wanted to be a better wife and mother and stay married, but happily. This is crucial to grasp and was singularly important in my m being restored.

I can say that I believe my h "wronged me" in the past. AND...SO? Do I divorce him b/c of that? B/C I was "right" and he was wrong? I married a man with flaws...none of which are NOW deal breakers. So I accept them and focus on the good bond we have.

I did some things I'm not proud of either. Point now is , We realized that we would never fully agree on the past (we each have our own lens thru which we see things) and one thing that used to frustrate me was how differently he could recall things, or not at all. For instance, I know where I was and what I was doing (drywall in the guest bathroom, fyi) when I asked him if he realized he was endangering the m and family by leaving for the north, and he said "guess I'm just willing to take that chance."

B2B, my h swears he never said that. Says it's "out of character"for him to say something like that (true but he said it, trust me). Thing is, I believe that he does not recall it. So, do I keep on harping? Do I try to find "witnesses"? NO. IIt's not important that our historical recall be identical. What matters is that we agree on the future behavior, "From this day forward" and that each partner KNOWS the other one will never throw a past "Sin" in their face...ever.

Think you can try to get there someday? You can leave your children a legacy of divorce and bitter behavior, or you can become a better man, not a bitter man. Leave a legacy of commitment, FULL fidelity, compassion and forgiveness, all wrapped into a marriage.