ISO WAW Decoder

[25yearsmlc]

Ok... I did read that, my apologies for not responding.

You glossed over a few MAJOR things. You see yourself as the victim here, and I don't, at least not yet. You are sad b/c she wanted out but instead, , you showed her a thing or two and you filed...wow, have you read the DB books?
I'm amazed at that choice. What was your goal? Be honest. What was your goal in filing for divorce? I'm guessing it was NOT SAVING YOUR M....

I felt humiliated that she was constantly going out with other men, disregarding my feelings. She had planned to file, it angered me because I felt I was the one who has justification to do so, so I did. I probably should have waited, but it did not look promising at all... Before I bought the book

So that's all before you read DB. And your pride and anger ruled. Well, what's different now that you have read it? I don't see anything different. But I'm asking. BTW, when we let our pride make our choices, it's usually a bad one. There's a fine line between healthy boundaries and pride. When you know you are trying to "teach her a lesson" or punish, it's pride and anger, NOT a healthy boundary.

For every night you worked hard at your job, she was alone at home with 4 little ones, whom she had been with ALL DAY...Please, really really read that long post I wrote to you. It's crucial that you "get this" before it's too late.

You painted a pretty great picture of yourself but if you read that post I wrote to you, I saw a very different marriage. I saw a woman mistreated, overwhelmed, exhausted, ignored, who sent out SOS's to her husband, her protector, but instead you were her oppressor. You put more on her, not less. You were unfair to her for a long time. I know you don't see that. I know you didn't mean it that way either. But if you cannot in good conscience understand where I'm coming from, and what YOUR role in this was, you're doomed to repeat the same mistakes again.

Take a good hard look at what I wrote. I almost cried for her, when I read YOUR description b/c I read between the lines. When you told her "no" b/c she dared to ask for some help with the house, or the newborn, and 3 other kids at home all under the age of 5-6, AND you were working MORE, not less...I just shook my head and wondered about your blindness. I guess you had tunnel vision.

And your course of action has been one angry vendetta move after another. What changed in you after you read the DB books? Did you see some flaws in yourself but then your pride colored it and you forgot?

The basic question every LBSer must ask is, why would the WAS come home to me now, and believe that marriage would be better than before?

I see no indication in your behavior or treatment of your w that suggests m to you now, would be at all better. In fact, I sense that you'd hold the sword of Damacles (about the OM) over her head forever. It would be worse for her. You are filled with condemnation and anger. Who wants to come home to that?
If you cannot forgive her, or if she cannot forgive you, then it's over. So far you are making zero efforts towards reconciliation, b/c I think your main focus is on being "right". (Not happy)

ALL long term marriages that are happy, involve forgiveness at some point.
I didn't see it growing up and had to learn how to do it. It's a process but it frees us up in so many ways. If you think she doesn't "Deserve" forgiveness then you don't understand it.

Til you see your own role in your w's choices, and learn from that, & contain your anger, I don't know how you'll get anywhere. So again I ask, what is your goal?

If it's actually about the m, then start with that inward journey I mentioned and read my words carefully. If you can finally see some truths in there, tell her you see them. What a 180 that would be. Like, "If I had it to do over, I'd do some things differently".

You can say that after you have a particularly trying day with thte kids and praise HER for dealing with it all those times alone...it's an opportunity for a 180n that does not cost you anything. I could go on but I fear it would be a waste. This isn't something you are used to hearing and I am not sure you can process it. You have a lot of anger and you talk about "humiliation" as if it was a one way street in your m, b/c you don't see how she felt humiliated a 1000 times. You were too busy to see that. Every thing you do for your kids now (and whine about as if you are a hero for doing it) are things she did for years for all of them. Did you ever thank her? Oh, and your sister is going to help you no doubt. Wow, remember when your w wanted some help? Now you'll have live in help. Even if your sister is working, we both know she'll help out. And that one thing your w asked for you denied her. Any regrets now?

We all make mistakes. I made some huge ones. But if you come here and post, be honest with yourself, and us, or you're doing yourself a disservice. (And your kids and m).