Ok... I did read that, my apologies for not responding.
You glossed over a few MAJOR things. You see yourself as the victim here, and I don't, at least not yet. You are sad b/c she wanted out but instead, , you showed her a thing or two and you filed...wow, have you read the DB books? I'm amazed at that choice. What was your goal? Be honest. What was your goal in filing for divorce? I'm guessing it was NOT SAVING YOUR M....
I felt humiliated that she was constantly going out with other men, disregarding my feelings. She had planned to file, it angered me because I felt I was the one who has justification to do so, so I did. I probably should have waited, but it did not look promising at all... Before I bought the book
You worked hard to pay off your house VERY early, (losing a deduction that some financial advisors would have advised against losing) and she was not part of that decision. Oh...THEN you decided to be AWOL...when was that?
Oh it was WHEN You had FOUR small children at home!! All of whom are under the age of 7. That's when you chose to work MORE??? Oh, and She wanted TWO children........wth?
This is a recipe for disaster. I'm shocked that you are shocked.
During the time I worked alot of overtime... 2005-2007, we only had 2 babies (1st born in 2004, 2nd in 2005, 3rd in 2007 after I stopped OT, 4th in 2009) Even with the 2... I know it was tough for her. I guess at the time I thought a short sacrifice while the babies were very young and likely not to miss me, was the best time to do it. I know it was a mistake. I stopped working OT just before our 3rd was born and never worked voluntary OT again. I went to work and came home EVERY single day right after my shift. I was there for her as much as humanly possible to raise our kids... During that time she slipped away leaving me to do 75% of everything... I don't blame her... In the end and now I do nearly everything... I am raising them basically alone now. I am grateful fir that opportunity.
Yes... I should not have been shocked. I thought I was providing... Clueless that I was slowly destroying my marriage. I don't know what else to say other than I Fd up.
I have to ask this... Why would you want more kids when your wife didn't? I cannot wrap my brain around that. I know some guys want more but when guys wnat more kids than their wives feel comfortable with, they "negotiate" with their wives and promise things like a nanny, or household help OR that the h's will work LESS, so all the work isn't dumped on their wife. You did none of these things. And she asked...
That is why I agreed to work less, because i saw she was struggling. I knew i had to back off of work and focus on home to have 3&4. I have to say from 2007-2010... I was her slave really. When we had the 3rd and 4th, I was home more than her and did more of the parenting. She bagan working 2nd shift in 2007 and is still, which reversed the roles quite a bit. I was and am still currently doing the majority of the childcare... She was at work when they got home from school, during homework, dinner, bedtime, etc. She did have the baby while the others were in school. Her workload was reduced GREATLY... even then she appeared stressed... So I switched days at work to be off when she was off to take her out more... This allbegan in 2007 and continued and her demands got worse until she left. She admitted she only asked for a cleaner and other things in order to push me to the breaking point so I would just leVe her. She suffered yes... I'm sorry for that truly... But what I went through for that 3 years I worked and came home was very hard too. In the end I did all the dishes, cleaning, cooking, making coffee, homework, raising kids, teaching, entertaining, etc. It even got to the point where she dud nothing and still showed signs of stress... I had ZERO energy, but still took days off to just be home so she could go out with friends, outings... WITHOUT ME. I thought I was being a loving husband... I was. The damage was caused by 2007... Even though I did more than she did longer... It was too late. I ended up being treated the way I had treated her. Do I deserve that after my efforts... Years of raising them alone as she did?
Ok... I did read that, my apologies for not responding.
You glossed over a few MAJOR things. You see yourself as the victim here, and I don't, at least not yet. You are sad b/c she wanted out but instead, , you showed her a thing or two and you filed...wow, have you read the DB books? I'm amazed at that choice. What was your goal? Be honest. What was your goal in filing for divorce? I'm guessing it was NOT SAVING YOUR M....
I felt humiliated that she was constantly going out with other men, disregarding my feelings. She had planned to file, it angered me because I felt I was the one who has justification to do so, so I did. I probably should have waited, but it did not look promising at all... Before I bought the book
So that's all before you read DB. And your pride and anger ruled. Well, what's different now that you have read it? I don't see anything different. But I'm asking. BTW, when we let our pride make our choices, it's usually a bad one. There's a fine line between healthy boundaries and pride. When you know you are trying to "teach her a lesson" or punish, it's pride and anger, NOT a healthy boundary.
For every night you worked hard at your job, she was alone at home with 4 little ones, whom she had been with ALL DAY...Please, really really read that long post I wrote to you. It's crucial that you "get this" before it's too late.
You painted a pretty great picture of yourself but if you read that post I wrote to you, I saw a very different marriage. I saw a woman mistreated, overwhelmed, exhausted, ignored, who sent out SOS's to her husband, her protector, but instead you were her oppressor. You put more on her, not less. You were unfair to her for a long time. I know you don't see that. I know you didn't mean it that way either. But if you cannot in good conscience understand where I'm coming from, and what YOUR role in this was, you're doomed to repeat the same mistakes again.
Take a good hard look at what I wrote. I almost cried for her, when I read YOUR description b/c I read between the lines. When you told her "no" b/c she dared to ask for some help with the house, or the newborn, and 3 other kids at home all under the age of 5-6, AND you were working MORE, not less...I just shook my head and wondered about your blindness. I guess you had tunnel vision.
And your course of action has been one angry vendetta move after another. What changed in you after you read the DB books? Did you see some flaws in yourself but then your pride colored it and you forgot?
The basic question every LBSer must ask is, why would the WAS come home to me now, and believe that marriage would be better than before?
I see no indication in your behavior or treatment of your w that suggests m to you now, would be at all better. In fact, I sense that you'd hold the sword of Damacles (about the OM) over her head forever. It would be worse for her. You are filled with condemnation and anger. Who wants to come home to that? If you cannot forgive her, or if she cannot forgive you, then it's over. So far you are making zero efforts towards reconciliation, b/c I think your main focus is on being "right". (Not happy)
ALL long term marriages that are happy, involve forgiveness at some point. I didn't see it growing up and had to learn how to do it. It's a process but it frees us up in so many ways. If you think she doesn't "Deserve" forgiveness then you don't understand it. Til you see your own role in your w's choices, and learn from that, & contain your anger, I don't know how you'll get anywhere. So again I ask, what is your goal?
If it's actually about the m, then start with that inward journey I mentioned and read my words carefully. If you can finally see some truths in there, tell her you see them. What a 180 that would be. Like, "If I had it to do over, I'd do some things differently".
You can say that after you have a particularly trying day with thte kids and praise HER for dealing with it all those times alone...it's an opportunity for a 180n that does not cost you anything. I could go on but I fear it would be a waste. This isn't something you are used to hearing and I am not sure you can process it. You have a lot of anger and you talk about "humiliation" as if it was a one way street in your m, b/c you don't see how she felt humiliated a 1000 times. You were too busy to see that. Every thing you do for your kids now (and whine about as if you are a hero for doing it) are things she did for years for all of them. Did you ever thank her? Oh, and your sister is going to help you no doubt. Wow, remember when your w wanted some help? Now you'll have live in help. Even if your sister is working, we both know she'll help out. And that one thing your w asked for you denied her. Any regrets now?
We all make mistakes. I made some huge ones. But if you come here and post, be honest with yourself, and us, or you're doing yourself a disservice. (And your kids and m).
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
you are still revising. I read YOUR original thread and based my comments on that. And anyhow, what do you want to do now???
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Sex??? OMG Not another pregnancy! Also, you said you lost 75 lbs. May I assume you needed to lose a lot of weight? So in her eyes, is it possible that to her, you let yourself go? Did she stay in shape after all those kids?
Yes I did. It was hard to workout without imposing on W. My mindset as I began to see problems was to put myself on hold and cater to her needs because of what I put her through. She got in shape yes, because I dis my best to give her time to herself because I felt she needed it more than I did.
let us lose the scorecard and list of grievances b/c trust me, it is counter productive. She has her own and you don't win on that one.
What would YOU do today, differently, than before?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Of course she feels trapped! Who wouldn't? Thank God she's not abusive. I just see such a recipe for disaster in having 4 kids (the kids are not the problem, the way YOU "chose" to have them IS, and the division of labor was very unfair to her, for a long time.) I assume you now "get this"...right?
Yes... Makes me disappointed in myself really... But I did try to make up for it... I really did.
You have some 180's to do. What are they?
I have not concerned myself as much about money as I once did Stop arguing, blaming, no R talk I got myself in way better shape... Was 245 at one point... Now 175... New wardrobe... Keep hair groomed more often, No longer bite nails... Eat better... No longer drink coffee etc. Doing my best to GAL... go out way more... Just went to a learning course and got my motorcycle license... Plan to get one after divorce I've become more approachable... I have tried to extend a fig leaf to W on many occasion I think I've moved on pretty well, of course it takes time and I could use more... Progressing though
I don't recall what state you are in nor do I know why you filed, when it comes to DBing. I guess it was a huge ultimatum? Now you are in a place you don't want to be.
Wisconsin
Do you still want to save your m?
I do, but I'm very worried she will never return... I am prepared for that. I'm also worried I'll be back here some day in the furure
Well, the fictional accounts clearly go both ways. I found your thread and replied. I have just one question for you. What is your goal now?
I don't know. I'm staying dark a bit longer. Try to build a relationship of some sort with W, at minimum so we can have a workable relationship for the kids. I hope we can get to a point where we can talk again. And if it's truly over... I would love to at least be friendly and laugh together regarding our children as they grow. I don't want to hate eachother... I think we are going down that road.
